An all time low

[tryingtoholdon]

I really feel like I am at an all time low. Just to recap a little, I have been in a SSM for like 9 years now. There has been ups and downs. The biggest down was when I first realized our sex drive had dropped off. Our son was like 6 months old. We also had a daughter 2 years before that. But he just seemed like he never wanted sex or never talked about it or initiated it. As a woman I found this hard to bring up to him. So for a couple months I scrambled around in my mind on how to bring it up. One night we had such an awesome day together. I tried to flirt and dress real sexy that day. The kid's were all in bed and we had the quiet house to ourself. My husband had been taking a shoer and was in there quite a while. But the water was off so I figured maybe he was shaving so I walked in to ask him if he'd like to come to bed. What I saw was him in the bathroom masturbating. That began the whole turmoil. First I knew he was spent that night. He chose this over at me fairly early in the evening. But that moment is when the hurt began. I asked him why and he wouldn't talk about it. He was embarrassed and barked something about privacy. In the years after that I became more comfortable with bringing this subject up. Everytime he would ignore me I would get so angry and even lashed out with words like could you be gay. Maybe I should get a f*** buddy then I could get satisfied. Then there was times I cried so hard in front of him. Then a couple years after that there was a dynamic that changed. I lost weight and started working. Before that I was sheltered. My life was me and the kiddo's. When I started working I would get flirted with. I was in awe that other men found me sexy. Because you have to understand how very unattractive I felt. There was one guy who was so cute and made comments all the time. Then my husband and I during this period seperated for one week. I told him I could no longer live like this. During that week I found myself flirting with this guy. He never touched me nor I him but I felt a ton of guilt. My husband came back after I had asked him. Maybe that was my first big mistake. I should have let him be the one to maybe WANT to come back. I left that job and got another one. Things were good for awhile. By the way my husband is NOT the jealous type. Not that he really shows anyway. Because he was at my work one time I had to stop there and we were out on a date that night. The cute guy didn't see my husband around the corner and he came up and was like man you are looking hot tonight. I didn't say anything. But my husband never said a word. He always told me he never would have any doubt that I would never cheat.
So fast forward to this year. I am still working and in school. I wanted to try and give us an even better life. More financial stability. Well, during the time I was working when I first started working I seen he was on an adult dating site. I confronted, he deflected. Saying he was only looking.
In the past year and a half I haven't brought up the sex issue at all. This was my 180. Act like I didn't care. Maybe play hard to get. Then I noticed because I was taping a relationship show with my tape recorder because I couldn't figure out how to work the VCR and what happened was he thought I left the TV on and he popped in a porno tape and masturbated. I didn't say a word. So in the last 6 months I have purposely left this recorder out. I know how dumb. But I wanted to see. Countless times he has masturbated. Not like everyday but twice a week. If anything it showed me where his sex drive was. In the last year he has had some trouble with ED. He is young only being 40. So I sat down and didn't yell or blame or accuse. We had a productive talk and he confessed that the ED bothered him in a big way. I suggested he go to the doc. He did. Doc said all was okay it was only stress. He gave him viagra and my husband was like a new man. He initiated all the time. Then he ran out of meds and it started going right back to where it was. However he would initiate once a week quite a bit though. My sex drive has dropped off big time in the last year myself. I find myself thinking this is way to much trouble. He seemed more interested when I stopped caring or bringing this up.
Then 2 months ago I found out my husband was on two different adult dating sites and he was e-mailing some girl from there. I snooped and confirmed he never met her. He made up excuses why he couldn't but said he would like to. He said very inapropriate stuff. I was hurt and cried and we had another heart to heart talk. Which is big for my husband because he don't talk. He said he wanted our marriage to work. He said he felt like crap. He was worried because he can't understand why he isn't happy. I wasn't enraged though because I had guilt about the flirting I did in the past. Never inapropriate words. Just smiling and acting girly while being flirted with. Instead of setting a boundary.
Well, since his dating sites a switch has turned. I am so distant in a way. My heart has pulled away. I find myself wanting male attention more then ever. I got asked out and I said maybe sometime. I went out with my girlfriends and this drop dead gorgeous guy who was 7 years younger then me was hitting on me big time and told him he wasn't bad looking himself. He asked if I wanted to leave but I didn't. In my mind I guess I kind of say if he is going to do this chit I can play to. Deep down I am just so tired and worn down. He makes me feel so undesirable. I want to be wanted so badly! If I am going to make this work I can't carry on this way. I am guilty of flirting. I know I am very vulnerable right now. I am one step away from an affair.
The low I am at tonight is again today we had the perfect opporunity to be alone. The kid's were out but he didn;t initiate anything. Then later I went out with the kid's. When I got home he had left the porn tape in the DVD player so I know what he did when I was gone. So for the first time ever I confronted. He was quiet and wouldn't say a word. I told him we needed to sit down tomorrow and have a long talk. I am thinking I should be honest with him and tell him I have flirted. Tell him how close I am to an affair. I don't know whether it is right or wrong to tell him. Maybe it will drive him further away. But at this point I don't think I want this marriage to work. I want to be wanted and feel like a woman again. I don't think I can feel that with him. Believe me when I say I don't think he has what it takes to win my love back again.

Thanks for listening. I am just at an all time low.

[NOPkins]

Hi trying.

That was very courageous of you to write that post.

I would like to encourage you to tell your husband just exactly how you feel. No threats, just a statement of fact. If you need to, just read him your post.

I also want to caution you on the affair. Don't do it. It really will screw with your head, and eat at you for a long time to come, even though you might feel justified. Please read my tagline and see how your entitlement is growing as a result of your situation. You need to be aware of what is happening to you so that you don't make a choice that you will regret.

If you don't think you can wait much longer, then you need to consider starting a divorce procedure. Again, I would recommend that you tell your husband what you are doing. No threats, just that you are reaching the limits of your patience, and you are still willing to work with him, but you can't wait forever.

Sorry for your pain.

-NOPkins-

[tryingtoholdon]

Thanks Nop. I know I am at a low. Because your post made me cry. I am really struggling. I do feel my entitlement growing. Because I say things to myself like well maybe if he is looking elsewhere I should to. Or I am entitled to do what he was thinking of doing. He has ignored me for so long I am entitled, who would blame me if they knew how ignored I am. Last week I took my ring off because the flirting felt good.

I hear how bad Choc is feeling right now. But I admire him so much for taking the stand he has. Deep in my heart I don't think my husband would care. He wouldn't take that kind of stand with me and that scares me so much. But maybe I am wrong. He isn't one that shows jealousy at all. But the other day he made a comment to me that I thought was odd for him. I had to work late for 2 days in a row. The second day he said where did you park, I was going to come in and see you? I told him I parked towards the back that day. I wasn't where I normally parked. But I thought it was odd that he drove by. Because it was out of his way. He also made a comment that it bothered him some that I have a male friend. (only a friend) But he said I would never say you couldn't see him because then you would say I controlled you or throw it in my face.

[Heywyre]

Trying - NOP is dead-on - DON'T have an A - you will be so, so sorry you did it. Trust me, it will totally make things worse than they already are. I know you feel entitled to it, we all have felt that way at one time or another but two wrongs definitely don't make a right.

Your H driving by could indicate he is feeling vulnerable right now too, perhaps he thinks he is the one being ignored. It is a very good time to sit down and really let him know how you feel (leaving out the desire to have an A part)

My guess is you are BOTH suffering from depression to a point. Have there been any traumas in your life recently? Moves, job changes, dead of loved ones - those things and others can really set someone back.

If you can get into counselling and he is willing to go with you, all the better. There is hope, hang tough

[tryingtoholdon]

Something I should mention also is since his confrontation on the e-mails he hasn't even went near the computer. He hasn't went out where his whereabouts are unaccounted for. No money is unaccounted for. If I want to take his cell phone he hands it over in a second no questions.

[NOPkins]

Hi, trying.

It seems that he is more concerned about you than he will admit to. Please do come clean with him about how you feel. It may be just the push he needs to take the relationship more seriously.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[Heywyre]

All what he is doing is VERY good - he is trying and obviously wants to salvage the M/R

Like NOP says, you have to come clean and deal with this

[shmagic]

TTHO
I remember your previous posts and funnily enough was thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were getting on. Sorry to hear not much better.

I remember you had some resentment about your H not doing much to help while you were working hard and in school.

Please don't escalate the flirting into an A if you really can't go on in the marriage leave with dignity.

You and your H both must be unhappy with your situation maybe he's more jealous than he shows and is frightened now that you're becoming more independent and he has ED problems that you'll leave him. Strong possibility if things continue the way they are. At least he was willing to take the viagra but if I remember right you were unhappy that he wanted more sex than you after he started taking it.

I know it is hurtful that a man would prefer porn to real life sex my H did the same thing when he had ED problems sometimes they are frightened of ML to a woman in case they can't finish properly or sometimes to make sure things are stil working. Doesn't seem to fit your H as he did ML while taking it.

Porn can be really addictive and while lots of men use it and still want to ML to their wife when it is a substitute for the real thing with a willing partner HUGE problem.

You really have to talk to your H and point out just how serious you are about making changes. Any chance you could go to counceling together or seperately?

Rebuilding intimacy first and then improving the SL would be the way I would go personally but only you can decide what you really want.

Sorry things are still lousy for you.

shmagic

[tryingtoholdon]

shmagic,

Yes I do have some resentment that he doesn't help more. I just have a whole on on my plate right now. The help would be so appreciated because it is his home to. But that is something I don't think will change to much. He got use to it with me being a SAHM for so many years. He came home his dinner was cooked and on the table. I did everything. He worked hard to support us so I wanted him to be able to relax. Unfortunately though in the home he grew up in both parents worked and his father had the philosophy that was woman's work. He does do way more then his dad on occasion though, so that's at least a promising thing. : )

Right I was unhappy when the sex increased that is where I am messed up and know it. My emotions vary so much. I think the stress of it all has just wore me down. It is never consistent with us. I feel so saddened that my drive has took a nose dive. It is just for him though I think. Because my mind wanders when I see a really cute guy. When I think of him anymore it is, has he masturbated so should I even try. Is he in the mood. Can he keep it up. And he is so crabby all the time I don't feel very emotionally connected in that way. But last Saturday I was surprised that I was actually SO in the mood. I tried to initiate but he just said let me rub your back for you. He was sun burned only on his legs and said he wasn't in the mood. It kind of hurt to be rejected and to have not reached out to him myself in awhile. The nexy day he seemed fine. Then yesterday instead of chosing me. Remembering he turned me down he chose to masturbate. Everytime that happens it dampens my desire for him even more. To me that is NOT sexy. It is not masculine. So my entitlement grows.

I did try and talk to him yesterday night before he left for work. He was working a weird shift because he got called in. On his way out I actually asked him if he would like a BJ before work. I told him I can't remember a time I ever made you late for work. How about today. He said I have to go give me a kiss. Then he left. I got angered and called him a few minutes later on his cell. He answered and I told him that I knew he took care of himself and it hurt me. That I tried to initiate something because I was serious on following through but also wanted to see if this takes the place of me, if I was turned down. He was quiet and didn't say a word. I asked him to tell me why he chose that. I was calm and there was no yelling. He hung up because he is an avoider. I called back and left a message because he wouldn't answer. I told him we can't just keep running from things. When you get home in the morning we need to sit down and have a talk. There is something I need to tell you. We really need to talk.

So he gets off this morning and goes to his friend's house for an hour and a half. Then he comes in and went right to bed. I walked in there and asked him why something else was a priority before me this morning. I told him I seen he checked his voicemail and knew I wanted to to talk. He again wouldn't say anything. He is an avoider and it angers me beyond belief.

So today got worse and my entitlement grows. I may be fooling myself but I don't think I could ever have a physical affair. I worry so much about the example I set for my kid's. I wouldn't want them to know that is what tore up their family. But however this does push me in the direction of running from my husband at all costs. I don't have it in me to fight this like I use to. For me to be out in the real world and see and talk to HD men, well, all I can say is my desire for my husband is about nil.

[fightingirish]

Im so sorry hon...

Your not alone. I little backround. My H is a very high sex drive. I don't. I found him on a adultfriendfinder site, where he posted himself naked.. yes naked. Well I found out. I have two small children. I was horrified!! I knew he looked at porn on occasion.. and though I don't like it I just dealt with it. Probably because I knew I just didn't want it as much as him and I understood. Don't get me wrong, It pissed me off, but I figured, better that then to cheat on me. anyway, the adultfriendfinder thing threw me for a loop. I left for 2 days with me kids in tow. I didn't tell anyone but my best friend what was going on. She tried to get on the site to see the picture and he had already had it taken off. he said that I never acted like I desired him. Partly true and that I never wanted him. Well I tried to figure out if he had any contact with anyone and he didn't.

I told him that was sooo hurt that he could do something like that and that I didn't know if I could ever forget it. I have to tell you that it took awhile to get over it. It happend last July. But its clear like it happend yesterday. I have become a little less trusting, but I don't let it overwhelm me. I have tried to be more interested in sex but its hard with two little ones running around, but besides that, I did tell him that would be the last time I will ever go through something like that again.

I have been married for 16 years btw.

If he is going to these things and you are willing, something is up. Mine was driven by lack of... not an excuse.. just that he had a motive so to say.

You need to somehow get through to him. Don't have an A... bad idea.. if you love him then confront him about EVERYTHING!

Good luck honey...

Blessings~