[u]DB[/u] vs. [u]After the Affair [/u]-i'm confsd.

[jtodd]

After my H's affair, i read DB 2x and loved it. I am working on getting a life, not pursuing, being the 'cheerleader' and doing pretty well at not bringing up the A. My H, on the other hand is quiet, doesn't seem to ever smile anymore, and is prob still missing the OW. After the advice of several of you wonderful DB, i picked up the book After The Affair and have so far enjoyed reading it. However, the book discusses talking about your feelings, how you shouldn't keep your thoughts to yourself and if you want to work on your marriage, you need to start talking and do all these activities (leaving notes, hugging,talking about what we want to change etc). I'm confused now-and i'm paraphrasing, but DB says I shouldn't pursue, especially if he's not ready. ATA says to show affection even if you don't want to. Do I wait til he's ready or go ahead and start trying to talk this out?? Both books seem great, just a little contradictory, which isn't surprising but I want to save this marriage! How do I know when to start talking about what i want to see change, etc.?? thanks for any advice.