How we became separated

[mkultra]

Hello, I am still a newbie but I love venting. I wanted to share a little of my story. My H and I have been dealing with his depression and anger ever since my S2 was born. He does not see this as a coincidence but our therapist and I do. He also had to take a job in my family business since our family was growing and he kept getting laid off in his field. Working for my family has also been a difficult endeavor as my family is made up of ambitious workaholics and my husband and I liked staying home with the kids rather than making a lot of money. It was great when my D5 was born because we lived off of savings for three months instead of working. I think my H has issues with his manhood, his ability to provide, and fatherhood, etc. He became more insecure and he started cussing at me so I withheld sex more often until our marriage became sex starved. I hated the foul language as it seemed like verbal abuse but he thought that was ridiculous. This was a cycle. depression, anger, sexless, etc. He began to lose a lot of weight and this turned me off even more so I asked his family to intervene. He was so insulted. I asked him to leave to be with his parents until he sorted his health issues and he took this as getting kicked out. I guess it was. Then he says he will move out since he stopped loving me so why should we be married. He continues to believe this even though he is more depressed and more miserable. He still does not sleep or eat and he is still an angry father. And hopefully, he is still having a sexless life but that remains to be unseen!

Going back to the way beginning, we were pretty much like Donna and Eric from that 70's Show. We were best friends who became very close in high school and then became soul mates. He was thin, funny, cute and a little dorky. I was cool and tomboyish but kind of cute in an athletic way. Everyone thought we belonged together, but now he has completely rejected me with really cold anger. I hope I can remain positive but throwing in the towel and starting over with someone else sounds tempting. I sometimes think how much easier it would be to find a man who does not have all these issues.

[789]

You can remain positive. Not sure if it is DB or Dr, but in one of them she states : why trade in one set of problems for another set.

I know I hope my wife thinks about that to some degree, I am not that bad of a catch.

[mkultra]

I wish my H knew what I know now from DB and DR. I feel like I am a catch except for the sex part. He actually told his coworkers how I stopped sleeping with him. I was really turned off by his anger and foul language. That is not romantic. Maybe there were more issues. I don't know. Let's just say I never had a libido problem before becoming a mom! So how do I do a 180 with someone who feels so rejected afer two years of a sex starved marriage? It is like he wants me to feel rejected, like it is my turn.

[789]

Well I do not believe you should do a 180 in the sex department, everything else needs to be worked on long before that should even be an issue. The anger and the language on his part would be a begining.

[mkultra]

Well today I did a total 180! I am so proud because I am confused by the 180. I wanted to act as if we are still a happy family so I always went along with my H and kids to go have lunch or play at the park and pool, not today! I backed off and let him do that with the kids and left to be alone. Small step but how else will he miss me? Am I right or should I keep being the dutiful, fun mom?

[mkultra]

Yeah, nope it did nothing. He did not even come into my/ our bedroom to let me know the kids were in their beds. He did not even want to say two words to me so I almost left the house without knowing the kids were napping upstairs. I called him late and asked if the kids had dinner yet and he said they were napping. I told him I was on my way out to the grocery store because I did not know he dropped them off asleep. He said he did not want to wake me up. He hung up on me. What a jerk. Times like these makes me want to throw in the towel. He has so much anger.

[mkultra]

I just had to send him the text message from hell because I am so pissed! Tell me if I sound unfair:

"God, You are such a liar. Why don't you let me pick up the kids and take them to camp. I need some space. Telling me you are not in love with me does not give you the right to go out and see some tramp. I know you want to see the kids but I need some space because I am so angry that you are such a liar. Never talk about me or my kids to your trashy friends!"

Here is why. I had to bail my mom out tonight at 3AM. She got locked out. He was unavailable because he was most likely in the dark doing bad deeds that he lies about. My mom is sure that he is a cheating drug abuser. She says her resource is 80% accurate and now she will have all of her employees including him tested, plus the other female employees barred his tramp from coming in to the establishment. Is this really my life? I am usually at home reading bedtime stories to my babies and washing dishes! My once peaceful, beautiful life is turning into a chaotic cesspool of deceit, whores, and drugs while I have been at home teaching my daughter how to read and knit.

[Just_D]

Honestly, I don't think it was fair of your mom to bring up OW if she is not 100% sure... meaning she hasn't seen anything herself yet. I don't think it's fair to you or children especially for her to bring the subject up in front of your children.

My DH had a PA 2 years ago. For 2 years, we tried to make it work. Of course, I want(ed) to blame OW, but it went so much deeper, ya know? I know that now. If she ever comes up (which is not much if any anymore), he asks if it's easier to blame someone for what has happened to us. Maybe.

I work 3 - 4 nights a week from 9 pm until 1 am. DH usually has 7yoDS at night, but DS has been staying here more and more lately. Well, one night last week, I guess, DS didn't want to go with DH (he says DH goes to bed too early... lol). I got home and I hear 7yoDS... scared the crap out of me. So I asked DH to text me whenever DS did not go with him. He's been really good about it since. Hopefully your DH won't make that mistake again.

What was your mom doing out at 3 am?

I can't believe this is my life either. There have been times when I wonder if I shouldn't just throw in the towel, too. But honestly, DH is worth fighting for. So is my family. You keep being the best mom... the best person you can be.

I hope today is a better day for you!

[mkultra]

Sadly, my mom and husband run a nightclub restaraunt together. The hours are long and my mom says it is not a good place for happily married people. My H has been laid off 4 times in 6 years. He cannot get it together so my Mom gave him a job and now he is always gone. By trying to be a good husband by working so hard I have actually lost my marriage. We would spend less than 30 min a day together. Huge blow to sex life! He is sleep deprived and depressed. He gets 4 hours of sleep at night. I never thought women would be interested in him since my mom is always there and everyone knows he is taken. Plus, he is no beefy guy at 130 lbs. but my friend says that women with low self esteem who have ex cons who beat them will get smitten by a sweet married man no matter what he looks like. I actually thought if I married a geeky sweet guy he would never cheat. My last BF was a rock star looked like Elvis and women chased him! I guess they are all capable of this behavior. I am shocked by y H's behavior.

[Dom R]

mkultra:

you have said a lot of bad things about your husband. most of the worst things, are still pure guesswork on your part.

if you want to do a true 180; may I suggest first starting an internal "180". start thinking about the POSITIVE things about your husband. and dont believe negative stuff, until you see proof of it.

The second step, would be to stop throwing tantrums at him like you did yesterday.