I tried my very hardest yesterday to act happy. H was in bed until early evening as he is on night shift. I didn't mention being upset or the letter at all. We had dinner, played with S and put him to bed and then H went to work.
Not mentioning it left me feeling very down, lonely and upset. I am starting to feel very depressed I can tell because I don't feel like doing anything and am not enjoying doing things I normally would. If I don't bring it up H doesn't bring it up as he seems to think that means everything is OK. He hugged me when he left for work and I just felt nothing. I don't know what to do. All my feelings seem to have vanished since I found this letter. Because I don't know what to believe its like I don't want to be hugged or anything else until I know but at the same time I know I will never ever know for sure.
I don't think he would keep on insisting nothing had happened if it had but there are certain things in the letter that I just cannot see why they would be written otherwise. I just want to get back to where we were a couple of months ago when it was so lovely but I have no idea how to. One thing I do know is that H won't get us back to there - he doesn't seem to have a clue how to. He doesn't say anything to tell me how much he loves me or anything - things that I think would help me make sense of all this. All I feel is empty towards him and anger towards her. How could she do this. She must have the skin of a Rhino to carry on texting him after writing such a letter of lies (as H says it is). And to stand there in MY kitchen and not even be able to look me in the eye. Well maybe now at least I know why she couldn't look me in the eye, or partly, was it because she was having an A with MY H or just because she knew only days before she had written a letter to him about how she wanted him?
Sorry I'm rambling I know but I really just don't know what to do to sort my brain out.
