I am sitting here feeling ok but somewhat overwhelmed. I dunno if I need to keep going or let up some?
Just thinking out loud....


I do know that he is responding.... TO MY THOUGHTS AND HE IS ACTUALLY LISTENING.

Yet earlier this eve he said he was going to get an apt with his crew and stay with them instead of driving home everynite. When I nicely asked him to watch his tone.

?


He also said he should maybe just head to Mcdonalds for dinner cause I was taking too long.... gimme a break.


?


I was hungry too , I was with him all day at work , we had to meet several homeowners etc etc! I ingnored his comments.... and kept cooking.

This is going to be harder than I thought but ,,, I can do it!

I served him his dinner,,, and his freshly squeeezed Lemonade. ALL SMILES~ And went back into the kitchen, held back a few tears. I did not want him to see he got to me.

He then says "Honey arent you going to eat with me? "
MY reply " Actually no, I wanted to but there wasnt enough time to make anything for me as I was taking so long."
He did not say a word.
I normally would have cried and gotten real upset but I stayed calm and said what I wanted to say.

I was about to say,,, hmmmm ...

I wonder if now at Mcdonalds they make homeade salsa, black refried beans with avocado and sour cream and Fajitas with warmed up tortillas? Oh yeah , and freshly squeezed Lemonade? Probably not but I am sure a burger tastes just the same..... BUT I DID NOT~ That would have not been so funny once I could tell he was wishing he had never said something so stupid.


I want to keep this up but I also do not want to bombard him with calling his behavior every five minutes,,, he in these past few days has been noticing my silence and my not taking on his moods. And he will then stop.

I dunno you all.....

he is still out and one of the guys that works for him arrived. Well the whole crew arrived that was with him down there. But this one gentleman in particular who I have mentioned before , who is in his late 30's and is always reading the bible and very religious told me my h was not involved w/ anyone. That my H would do no such thing.

I did not directly ask him but I did mention my crazy ex friend was telling me he was.
I know he is not my friend and at the same time,, the look on his face was one of calm and not OMG she is asking me and I need to lie. He very matter of factly told me this.


I do not feel ashamed that I thought bad of him,,, I never accused him of it.

..... the way he was acting didnt add up to her leaving messages.... and I dunno what would possess her to call ME?


I HAVE THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS....TOO LONG ACTUALLY.
I NEED TO RETHINK THIS AND APPROACH THIS DIFFERENTLY.
I NEED A NEW "GAME PLAN", I NEED I DUNNO , NEED TO SLEEP ON THIS~ I NEED TO KEEP GOING AND YET MY DIRECTION IS UNCLEAR. I WANT TO TRUST HIM AND THEN I FEEL DUMB LIKE HE IS JUST LAUGHING AT ME. MY HEART TELLS ME HE LOVES ME AND DID NOT CHEAT AND YET I REMAIN CONFUSED. TOO MUCH ANALIZING,, NEED TO REST.
GOD BLESS...