I like the idea of following up the apology with a letter about the future. I'm not sure what exactly you are apologizing for, but remember Retrouvaille says not to confess any new lapses that your spouse doesn't already know about. Yes, a sincere apology about the past is a necessary first step, then the hopes for the future is the next step.
You also have the right to expect her to start acting like an adult somewhere along the way, onewish.
It's not just your fault your marriage has been troubled.
Thanks AmyC. You are right, I know that she needs to start acting like an adult. I don't know why I let it bother me that she runs off and tells her family what a bad person, blah, blah. It is like they don't hold her accountable. I wish someone would just shake her and wake her up.
Quote:
I like the idea of following up the apology with a letter about the future. I'm not sure what exactly you are apologizing for, but remember Retrouvaille says not to confess any new lapses that your spouse doesn't already know about. Yes, a sincere apology about the past is a necessary first step, then the hopes for the future is the next step.
Sara, I will need to apologizing for breaking trust with her. I went to lunch with my female supervisor, knowing how insecure she is and knowing she would be upset. The purpose of the sincere apology is to let her know that I made a mistake, I can't change the past. I can only learn from my mistake and never do it again. There is nothing new to confess. The way my wife approaches things is that she looks at our entire 11 year relationship, 5 years of being married and continues to complain about everything that I did in the past. She has never been willing to let go of the past. She tried especially with Retrouvaille, but when we argued, the past is the first thing that she would bring up. You are correct, I am apologizing in hopes that she will forgive me and hopefully work on our marriage together.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
He is pretty good. He did get upset a couple times with me. He was good to talk to.
Quote:
It's called "Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. - The relationship manual for Men" by Wayne Levine.
Thanks Frank! I needed a good laugh. I found another book by him that WE NEED to get too! Finding Your N.u.t.st: Being the Man You Want to Be in Your Relationships And in Your Life
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Update...Today my W texted me and asked for me to call before I pick up D3. I text back, okay. I called her when I was on my way and she told me that she was at her new house with D3. I said, okay and told her that I would call when I got closer for directions. I get there and W and D3 greet me at the front door. I told my W congratulations on this new house and that it is cute. I was in a good mood. D3 asked to show me her bedroom and took me upstairs to see it. W said that they just moved everything in today and she is still unpacking. The house is very small, she said it is 1200 sq ft, 2 stories. Patio backyard. It is cute and enough for my W and D3. As we were leaving, I apologized to my W firmly and confidently for leaving the house, breaking trust, and told her that this will never happen again. I told her that I understand that she has her mind made up and that I will not do this again. My W then said that the apology should be for D3. I told my W that is for both of them. I then told my W that I want D3 to spend the night tonight and then I'll drop her off at her office. My W said, no not on such short notice. I told her that she knows that she is not right and that I want to start seeing D3 more. She said that we will need to talk about this. I said, okay.
W then calls me 15 minutes later and I didn't hear my phone ring. She leaves a voice mail and said that D3 can spend the night because she is unpacking and doesn't have a refrigerator yet. She also said that I had D3 all weekend. (Hello! I am not the one who decided to go out of town with my parents. I was the one that was there all weekend spending quality time with D3!) She asked for D3 to call her. When I got home, I had D3 call her. Now everybody is happy. Win, Win situation.
I did have a good day at work. I have been receiving a lot of compliments which have helped my self-esteem and self-image. Women at the office have made comments about me that made me feel...Special...Valued...Friendly...Happy...I have a lot of good qualities and it doesn't help when my W is not willing to acknowledge me. When I receive these compliments, I just say whatever because I have a difficult time believing them. I have not intentions of reacting or playing into these comments. I am just keeping busy doing my work. IT DOES HELP TO HEAR THEM!
Any Feedback?
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
I think you are doing well. Being flexible while also making sure YOUR needs are heard.
I totally agree with you. My new 180 is to start expressing my NEEDS and 'negotiating' if necessary and not arguing. Hopefully reality will start to set in. I missed an opportunity to tell her earlier that he agree with her and that I prefer that this not be the case, and that this is the result of her choices. I should have made the statement when she started to whine about how I had D3 all weekend until Monday night. I then had her spend the night tonight, and I'll have her spend the night on Friday night and take her back Saturday evening before I go out with a friend.
She appears to have the man of her dreams, and knows it, but is apparently suffering the same fate as all men and women who refuse to look at their partners’ actions as evidence of the status of their relationship. She presents symptoms of a bit of a self-esteem deficit, and this causes her to question whether she deserves this man she enjoys so much, which in turn is creating a trust issue. She thinks it is him that she doesn’t trust, but if you read between the lines, it’s actually her ability to hold him that she questions. And make no mistake, this can quickly destroy an otherwise very solid relationship.
My W has always told me that she knew that she wanted to be with me forever after we met. She adored me so much. She loved everything that I did for her. She WANTED me all the time. Sure, I made stupid mistakes and I never meant any harm. I always assured my W that I love her and will not leave her. Once we got really close, she started attacking my reasons for still having my friends in my life. She would tell me that she doesn't talk to her friends, why am I talking to mine. (I think that she viewed her friends as a potential threat. Her sister-in-law who has made comments about me and other guys being cute. My W doesn't like her AT ALL! She got all upset when I went to work on a computer with my brother-in-law and wanted to know if his W was there and why did I have to go right now. Why not go another time). She always saw my friend's girlfriends and wives as a threat. As stated above, it seems as though this statement is TRUE for my situation. I can't believe it!
She presents symptoms of a bit of a self-esteem deficit, and this causes her to question whether she deserves this man she enjoys so much, which in turn is creating a trust issue. She thinks it is him that she doesn’t trust, but if you read between the lines, it’s actually her ability to hold him that she questions.
Her expectations are so high for me. She wants me to be exactly like her father and brothers.
All I can say is WOW! This all makes sense to me now. I can understand the big picture. WHOA
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
