I really feel like I am at an all time low. Just to recap a little, I have been in a SSM for like 9 years now. There has been ups and downs. The biggest down was when I first realized our sex drive had dropped off. Our son was like 6 months old. We also had a daughter 2 years before that. But he just seemed like he never wanted sex or never talked about it or initiated it. As a woman I found this hard to bring up to him. So for a couple months I scrambled around in my mind on how to bring it up. One night we had such an awesome day together. I tried to flirt and dress real sexy that day. The kid's were all in bed and we had the quiet house to ourself. My husband had been taking a shoer and was in there quite a while. But the water was off so I figured maybe he was shaving so I walked in to ask him if he'd like to come to bed. What I saw was him in the bathroom masturbating. That began the whole turmoil. First I knew he was spent that night. He chose this over at me fairly early in the evening. But that moment is when the hurt began. I asked him why and he wouldn't talk about it. He was embarrassed and barked something about privacy. In the years after that I became more comfortable with bringing this subject up. Everytime he would ignore me I would get so angry and even lashed out with words like could you be gay. Maybe I should get a f*** buddy then I could get satisfied. Then there was times I cried so hard in front of him. Then a couple years after that there was a dynamic that changed. I lost weight and started working. Before that I was sheltered. My life was me and the kiddo's. When I started working I would get flirted with. I was in awe that other men found me sexy. Because you have to understand how very unattractive I felt. There was one guy who was so cute and made comments all the time. Then my husband and I during this period seperated for one week. I told him I could no longer live like this. During that week I found myself flirting with this guy. He never touched me nor I him but I felt a ton of guilt. My husband came back after I had asked him. Maybe that was my first big mistake. I should have let him be the one to maybe WANT to come back. I left that job and got another one. Things were good for awhile. By the way my husband is NOT the jealous type. Not that he really shows anyway. Because he was at my work one time I had to stop there and we were out on a date that night. The cute guy didn't see my husband around the corner and he came up and was like man you are looking hot tonight. I didn't say anything. But my husband never said a word. He always told me he never would have any doubt that I would never cheat.
So fast forward to this year. I am still working and in school. I wanted to try and give us an even better life. More financial stability. Well, during the time I was working when I first started working I seen he was on an adult dating site. I confronted, he deflected. Saying he was only looking.
In the past year and a half I haven't brought up the sex issue at all. This was my 180. Act like I didn't care. Maybe play hard to get. Then I noticed because I was taping a relationship show with my tape recorder because I couldn't figure out how to work the VCR and what happened was he thought I left the TV on and he popped in a porno tape and masturbated. I didn't say a word. So in the last 6 months I have purposely left this recorder out. I know how dumb. But I wanted to see. Countless times he has masturbated. Not like everyday but twice a week. If anything it showed me where his sex drive was. In the last year he has had some trouble with ED. He is young only being 40. So I sat down and didn't yell or blame or accuse. We had a productive talk and he confessed that the ED bothered him in a big way. I suggested he go to the doc. He did. Doc said all was okay it was only stress. He gave him viagra and my husband was like a new man. He initiated all the time. Then he ran out of meds and it started going right back to where it was. However he would initiate once a week quite a bit though. My sex drive has dropped off big time in the last year myself. I find myself thinking this is way to much trouble. He seemed more interested when I stopped caring or bringing this up.
Then 2 months ago I found out my husband was on two different adult dating sites and he was e-mailing some girl from there. I snooped and confirmed he never met her. He made up excuses why he couldn't but said he would like to. He said very inapropriate stuff. I was hurt and cried and we had another heart to heart talk. Which is big for my husband because he don't talk. He said he wanted our marriage to work. He said he felt like crap. He was worried because he can't understand why he isn't happy. I wasn't enraged though because I had guilt about the flirting I did in the past. Never inapropriate words. Just smiling and acting girly while being flirted with. Instead of setting a boundary.
Well, since his dating sites a switch has turned. I am so distant in a way. My heart has pulled away. I find myself wanting male attention more then ever. I got asked out and I said maybe sometime. I went out with my girlfriends and this drop dead gorgeous guy who was 7 years younger then me was hitting on me big time and told him he wasn't bad looking himself. He asked if I wanted to leave but I didn't. In my mind I guess I kind of say if he is going to do this chit I can play to. Deep down I am just so tired and worn down. He makes me feel so undesirable. I want to be wanted so badly! If I am going to make this work I can't carry on this way. I am guilty of flirting. I know I am very vulnerable right now. I am one step away from an affair.
The low I am at tonight is again today we had the perfect opporunity to be alone. The kid's were out but he didn;t initiate anything. Then later I went out with the kid's. When I got home he had left the porn tape in the DVD player so I know what he did when I was gone. So for the first time ever I confronted. He was quiet and wouldn't say a word. I told him we needed to sit down tomorrow and have a long talk. I am thinking I should be honest with him and tell him I have flirted. Tell him how close I am to an affair. I don't know whether it is right or wrong to tell him. Maybe it will drive him further away. But at this point I don't think I want this marriage to work. I want to be wanted and feel like a woman again. I don't think I can feel that with him. Believe me when I say I don't think he has what it takes to win my love back again.

Thanks for listening. I am just at an all time low.