This has been a crazy emotional roller coaster for the 6 weeks or so since I first joined this board. But that's way plenty of lurking time - time to introduce myself
Bit of background: Me: 44 H: 50 Married 8 years 2nd marriage for us both No kids together; each have a S16 from first marriages (yes, same ages)
This week I've finally "come out" to my friends and family about my husband and I separating, signed the lease on my apartment, started packing, etc., so it's only fitting that I finally post my sitch.
I've been a STBWAW for about 7 years - yes, most of our marriage. Sat on the fence all those years and the fence finally gave way. Not because of any "bomb" or anything, just weight and time. And me being the only one holding the fence up. He didn't even notice it existed. And it just got too heavy for me to support without any help. (Warning: I speak primarily in metaphors - don't know why)
Essentially, the glue that's kept us together is fear. His fear of being alone and my fear of not being able to be self-supporting (among many, many others.) Plus we met when we had both recently come out of emotionally abusive and draining marriages, so being with each other was a very pleasant change from all that stress. We're also both prone to depression and isolation. Two frightened, needy, empty people clinging to each other in the dark. How romantic, huh?
I finally, FINALLY got to the point (MLC?) where I can't continue living my life in isolation and making life decisions based on fear. HUGE step for me.
And I've finally realized that staying in this M (in its current state anyway) makes it far too easy for me to stay dependent, frightened and needy. The painful part is that my H just doesn't see it, doesn't understand what I'm talking about. Or maybe he does but is too frightened to confront our mutual demons. Either way, I've been having to struggle with this on my own, and I can't fix us both. But I can't even fix me in this environment. So, like a drug addict I guess, I need to get to an environment that doesn't encourage and support my "habit" of unhealthy dependency. This is where I got the idea to separate. Tough Love for the self, if you will.
I've read TONS of books and we've done TONS of MC and IC over the years. I think I've benefitted tremendously; he doesn't think he gets anything out of it; I have no desire to pursue any more MC at this point. Lots of promises made, lots of talk, very little action. The M can't be saved unless we BOTH address our individual issues. I'm gung-ho for that; he's in denial. Gridlock.
Anyway, this is a HUGE, huge step for me. Scary, scary stuff. Not sure how this will all look a year from now. I can't change my H; I can't fix our M by myself; but maybe at the very least I can grow up and start facing my fears. And that'll be a good thing no matter what happens with the M.
