Well I duno where to begin. We have had long talks and more long talks, most initiated by me and some by hubby. He called me from Ohio before he came home and told me he loved me very much and that he would never do anything to hurt me. He said he could do many bad things but he does not. That I need to fight for this.
..."He said I need to fight for this , that I act like I do not love him. He needs me to be stronger and not let dumb stuff bother me. He needs me to keep our SL exciting and not forget that. He needs me to fight for him and help him be a better Man. He needs me to be the one to show him I love him. He has put me first for so long and proved his love he has no interest in anyone and the environment is that he can cheat but will not do so , b/c he loves me. He does not want to lose me ever he would be hurt.
.... but I will lose him if I do not fight for this. Are you taking this serious? I need you to understand that I need you to fight for this and I do not want to be rude or mean . YOU make me feel like and A@@hole for talking to you like this and I do not want to. IT is like you dont care and you just sit and dont fight for me. YOU worry about some dumb B*(&* calling and that is all you focus on. I provide everything for you. And nothing I do is ever enough for you. You arent happy and you have nothing to complain about. You need to let me know what I am doing and that it is right, support me, lift me up , inspire me ...everything I do is for you."
???? I do not understand how he really feels I do not fight for this.
Am I missing something? Anyone?
I should have been in tears of joy for him telling me certain things like he loves me , doesnt want to lose me ever etc. And I just felt hurt and offended like I am a HIGH MAINTENANACE *B* and I better put up or shut up?
He is good to me but he fails to see , I do not want things I want HIM!
He told me that day to go to the Mall and buy some New Clothes and Lingerie whatever I wanted. And to remember that I am classy to buy simple elegant things like Jackie O. I did just that. I also bought some "skinny" jeans and they surely make my butt look "illegal" bought them anyway!!!!!!!
And it was fun , but it would have been more fun had I not had a terrible few days before that. I feel like it is a bribe,, or I dunno the word for it.
He said I still do not understand him that everything he does is for me.
I go to pick him up at the Airport... ..... and he says ... "Hi sexy"
I had on some black "tuxedo" shorts and a hot pink shirt, some black patent leather kitten heels and my hair looked sexy like I had been having sex for hours! I looked great and at first I thought too sexy. Then I thought to my self SHUT UP! You look fine! I may have looked too sexy but trashy NO WAY!
,,, I still hear my MOMS voice in my head. It is not my fault God made me this way and I am sooooooooooooo damn tired of trying to cover it up b/c of my inner voice and H's insecurities. Revenge? dunno kinda I think! He said he was tired of seeing me "this" way,,, so he can see this side of me now.
I do not think he cheated COG my heart tells me it was something else,, dunno what but not UNFAITHFUL. My intuition was not going off just the signs were there.
I have talked to him a lot,,, this is the first time he has left me alone since Sunday.... he takes me everywhere. He even took the kids and I with him on Monday to work,,, he NEVER has done that. His idea not mine.
I have told him thru these past few days these things..
he started to get angry... 1. I do not like that you get so angry all the time , that needs to stop.
he mentioned when they were drinking... 2. I need for you to respect yourself enough to put us first.
he said our son hugged him and said ILY Daddy and he said it made him so Happy,,, and he was worried the kids had no concept of love and did not love him,,,, I started tearing up and my blood was also boiling 3. ( IN a teary , upset but strong vOICE:) Are you serious honey that they may not love you?
..... they adore you and half the time I say .....
....they wanna say HI you say maybe later I am too stressed.... It infuriates me that you sometimes are to exhausted to say hi to YOUR kids but you have time to be "POLITE" to whores that hang out at the crews APT! And entertain them with who you are. That is not ok and not fair. It is not a trust issue it is a matter of respect,, they get your time and energy and we are here alone and I do not like it.....
he tried to start but when I stopped and he saw my tears he stayed quiet
Why are you so angry at me... he asked ( I was being quiet cause he was being emotionally abusive....)
4. I am not angry you dont get it,, I have listened to you talk to me like this for almost ten year and I am so tired of it it does hurt you know,, as much as I try to ignore ...
he then says:
Ok fine lets end it,, if it is too much for you.
5. I never said I wanted to end it , see and you do that too put words in my mouth. I said I need you to stop talking to me that way. I love you and I always will but it does not mean I have to love the way you talk to me..
And much more... I realize maybe I am going overboard but it isnt rehearsed or anything it is just coming out. And actually there is no anger in my voice it is all strong and hurt and holding back tears.
He knows I am very serious in a way I have never been before... it is hard to explain.
I KNOW THIS IS ALL too NEW to US. We have had LOTS OF TIME TO TALK AND USUALLY HE HATES TO TALK. But we have been alone on the drive to the jobsites for one and a half hour each way for 3 days in a row. ( 9 hours of alone time, )
Thank you for your prayers COG... I have a clarity that is hard to explain. And yet at the same time I am very emotional. Like all my emotions are at the surface,, and yet I feel strong. Does that even make sense?
I know I am done walking on eggshells and also I am done pussyfooting around and yet I will still just be me,, the beautiful Woman I know I am. No holds barred.
I am not trying to "kitchen sink" him and yet he needs to hear me, he doesnt have to listen but if he does this could be just so beautiful.
Thanks for the support everyone,,, you are the best. And COG thank you for your post you make me cry tears of joy and remember just who I REALLY AM. God bless...
