So, since this has started, every book I've read, every website I've visited, every effort I've invested has gone toward trying to save my marriage. Every book she has read, every website she's visited, every effort she has invested has gone toward trying to get OUT of the marriage.
Do you see the common denominator here? Even though you two are taking opposite actions, they are both in response to the same thing and that is fear – fear of being abandoned, rejected, whatever. The one thing neither of you are doing is recognizing and validating each other’s needs. Your apologizing and her forgiving is a good step, but there is a lot more to be done.
You condemn her for running. She condemns you for chasing. Your actions suffocate her. Her actions trigger your abandonment. You want her to stop running so you chase harder, she wants you to stop chasing so she runs faster (even though she really wants you to chase). You two are in a self-reinforcing cycle that will only lead to destruction of the M, regardless of what those “experts” say. You are using the stick, but I see no carrot.
I believe that you believe you are doing the right thing and have the best of intentions. But you are fighting a game of control. More importantly, even if you feel you are doing everything not to control her, if she feels controlled, then she feels controlled, and the self reinforcing cycle continues. Sure she has the responsibility to deal with her own guilt, her own feeling of engulfment, her projections, etc., but it is much easier to dump these responsibilities onto the type of person who does not run, than to put it on someone like your wife who refuses to take them on. That makes your job doubly frustrating.
In the end, you cannot force her or control her. You can only hold to your boundaries and offer choices, making those choices either painful or rewarding and hope she chooses as you want her to (personally I consider this a form of covert control, but that’s an old debate). The self reinforcing cycle can only continue with your input. You have as much power to stop this as she does.
