Hold on, I totally appreciate and respect the opinions and advice, but I think you guys are getting the wrong picture somewhat. First, I RARELY contact my girlfriends. I just don't bring it up, but when I do, I feel like it's important they hear the WHOLE SHEBANG because if they heard the SUMMARY, they would immediately say, THAT'S RIDICULOUS! Also, they are mature (in personality - they're not AARP members) and all in committed relationships (ok, the one who has known me the longest is just now getting married). They're all around my age, I just turned 35. The other one married the same week Joey and I did, the other one for several years. Second, HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY IDEA that I am emailing them when I do it. Yes, he does say sometimes, do they know all about what's going on with us, and I try to be sensitive and say, No, we really don't talk about it that much. I DON'T get in his face and say, Well, so-and-so thinks I'm nuts for putting up with this! I know how futile and destructive that would be.
I was coasting along in my marriage, taking care of my second child when the [censored] hit the fan. I don't want this drama, it just WON'T GO AWAY!! I was patient and apologetic for YEARS and I feel like I still have been. Today, the most I said was, "I'm tired of walking on eggshells" and I was referring to the fact that I felt he had been short at best and treating me like crap at worst since his session Monday night, which he had not discussed with me. I knew stuff had probably been discussed which is emotional for him, but he didn't share anything with me, just exuded a chip on his shoulder. Today, when I asked a simple question, trying to get clarification on something he was sharing with me, he got rudely indignant and I thought to myself, "ENOUGH!" I didn't KNOW I was "bringing up the past" but I guess I should have ASSUMED that's what was eating at him. I feel like I am letting him treat me like crap when he pulls that, "I'm hurt and I can't be nice to you right now" attitude ... esp out of the blue.
So, I'm not calling him up and sharing with him that I emailed my friends and I'm not bringing up the past, except when it's the elephant in the room, I'm not avoiding it.
Example, the night he came home from the session, I made sure he had a leftover plate of dinner, tried to be cheerful, etc. We watched some funny tv together. I snuggled up to him and he coldly said, "I'm not feeling close right now." I accepted it, said I was sorry he felt that way and went back to my side. I didn't roll my eyes, get all huffy and tell him to get over it. I just feel like when I'm too accepting, it's almost like I'm letting him abuse me and I'm admitting to being a cheater, which I do NOT consider myself.
Finally, when I first read DB'ing and started trying to "get a life" and "detach" I would often be gone from the house when he got home. Or I would call him and say I was going to visit a friend's house, run to the mall, whatever. I think it's GOOD for him to come home to an empty house occasionally, drink a beer and get a chance to change his clothes and check his emails without us being there. I do that to be NICE, but when I started doing it more consciously, from the advice of the book, (because I couldn't very well ask him to "babysit" after working all day because I'm "getting a life") he took it as a bad "vibe" that I was checking out or something. I told him that was not true, I was just trying to give us space and reduce the conflict, which it accomplished.
I don't ever threaten to go to a girlfriend's - I might sometimes spend an evening there so my daughter can play and I can visit, but I don't dramatically say, "I'm leaving" and run out in a hizzy.
Ok, I'm gonna go read more carefully and reply again. I just gave my son a bath and put him down for nap and have to get dinner started and get off here soon.
