I just got back from my wife apartment, she still does my laundry . I was not planning to go over so she does did not know I would be, I am allowed though. Well I ended up not taking my laundry because I did not want her to know I was over, because..... I must say I am all teared up at the moment. All of our wedding pictures and album were spread out over the dinning room table. I don't think she has looked at them in years, wether it is good or bad, I now know she is at least thinking about us and that put one hell of a smile on my face.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
I do not do anything to track what my wife is doing or spending. I only know the cell phone, she does not have a home phone, because it comes to me and I pay it. Yes I have cheated and looked at it. The only people she calls is her parents, rarely, pizza places, rarely again, and me, more than the other 2.
My W swtiched her cellphone to her own plan, REMEMBER?????
I've always watched the bank balances on-line, it's not a new behavior and not snooping. It's just a habit I have to see the numbers in there.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
That is actually the only thing we split, actually split it so our cards did not work on each others account. Can be switched back in a heartbeat by either of us. You also might remember that my wifes first comment after D word was she wanted to seperate our cell phones so that I would not know who when where she was calling, then a few weeks later up'd it for two more years together.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
I'm just glad you're doing so well with this "dark" time 789.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
I think it is an act in my brain, I am not sure I am doing that well YET, but I will. I know from what I have read here and other places that it is the best for what is going on at the moment so I am doing. I just have the biggest fear of that saying, "out of sight out of mind", and honestly, it terrifies me that if I am out of site, she won't have a thought about me or us.
I know I am repeating myself, but I can't help it at the moment. I know I can live without her, I know I will be succesful and find love again in time if it comes to a divorce, I know that even only being with my son half the time I will be the best dad that I can be, I know all that.
But I have had a screwed up life and I will take alot of the blame but not all of it. I cannot change what happened in my past, I cannot change the let down I have done to my wife and sons in the past. I can only work on myself and my future from this day forward, and I want it to be with my wife and son, I want to have and do everything differently from what I use to do in the past and do my part to make it a great and loving family of the future. I just want that chance, I want her to open that door ever so slightly to let me in and let a new future grow.
I am so afraid that I may never get that chance because she is afraid of me drinking again. That is the one thing that I cannot show her is different till time passes, she will always be afraid of it, whether it is 1yr or 20yrs from now, she is afraid and I cannot do anything about it till those milestone come and go.
Okay out of my system for now. Done ranting.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
I know, just hate the reasoning behind it. It is going to be good for both of us now and in the long run. I still truly believe she wants me, but wants me to find myself first. That is something that has been missing in my life a long time, I do not even know who I am.
Can you see the positive message in what you just typed? How much better will your M be if you manage to do that?
I keep telling myself, "What is 3 months, 6 months, or even 12 months to me if it means I'm a better man and more capable of leading my family in the right direction? What is a few months if my R with my W is infinitely better, happier and fulfilling for both of us???" It's NOTHING! It's a blessing.
I think you're on the right track 789, give yourself 1-2 more days of darkness and you'll start to get used to it and you'll start to look at yourself in a much better light (if that's possible in the dark )
Keep it up!!!
Okay, your winning, it is getting easier, not better but easier. As you can see from the rest of my posts tonight, I am actually feeling positive even if I have some doubts but I am getting there.
I am in a very good mood tonight, not sure why, but why fight it.
But it is damn boring in here when everyone else is asleep, so I guess I will go do that too while I am still
Last edited by 789; 06/29/0707:16 AM.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Well she should be in Morro Bay today, the sun sets in a few hours, I wonder if she will be sitting on the balcony to watch it as we have before. I know I will be from where I am at, hoping she is too.
Over all spirits are good, really missing the little one though.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Well she should be in Morro Bay today, the sun sets in a few hours, I wonder if she will be sitting on the balcony to watch it as we have before. I know I will be from where I am at, hoping she is too.
Over all spirits are good, really missing the little one though.
I think you can pretty much bet on that dude. Have a great week!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
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