I don't know about that. I see a lot of assumptions there, based on part truth, and part projection. I'd spend more time exploring if you actually have a true and accurate assessment.

The assumption that I am lost might be all wrong. Maybe I am not lost or maybe the R isn’t a lost cause.

I see most of this true to a point BB wants a man that wants to be her dog’s daddy and her protector, Mr. Neat, tidy, and a foot/back/hair rubber. BB wants me to lead, but in her direction of interests.

I am not a possession, filling these roles, because you hired me to do so.
I never felt BB was a possession or that she had to do most things a certain way. most things were lazi-faire in the early days if the activities were with-in the budget.. In the last 15 years BB pulled away and became independent and stating women should be their own person, F what men think, most H are not worth having (guess that makes me really a good H ;\) ) and sometimes I feel like her employee.

The employee thing is related to me being satisfied with our old things had he wanting new things on a regular basis. She is also set on having lots of pets that require care so when I want to go someplace or do something I have to factor in the pet situation, help her some, scale back my plan, go without her, or just drop the idea. Boat anchor comes to mind as I type this paragraph.

I've agreed to do these things WITH you, not FOR you.
That sounds a little independent but normal and doable

My version of that is:
I've agreed to do these things WITH you, and those things FOR you because that is part of what I see as the H's role. I have also agreed to do things just because BB wants them done; even though I think they are not practical just because BB likes them done and she cant??? or won't do then herself.

I am free to make choices, and be me, express me, in MY ways, based upon the boundaries we decided TOGETHER.
I am OK with that statement. Mt situation is BB decided on some things and to keep the peace, I went along with the idea for a while. My bad I suppose.

But I think people mainly do this in unconscious ways... which leaves the other person open to thinking they can step in and tell you how to do your part of it...
That is so true and I bet the most common MO.

... and it leaves the other person in the position of drawing a loving, but firm boundary in telling you... no, I'm my own person first. There are always boundaries within boundaries...
And that is what I work with/on today.

We all get the boundary of marriage,
but we seldom spend time constructing the boundaries within a marriage.
[/b] I know I didn't.[/b]
Hay, that is the way most couples operate when in love. I know I never spent time construction boundaries till too much water went over the riverbank and some flooding damage was done.

Lou