I have been married for close to six years now. There is a ten year age separation between us. Our anniversary is on June 30th. We have been together for seven and half years. We did all the right things for the most part. I asked her father for her hand in marriage. We did not have sexual intercourse until our wedding night. We did do other things. Our first year of marriage started out like most married couples. Sex was at least twice a week. The second year things started to slow down and the years after that, sex slowed down even worse. During our third year, we welcomed a baby boy. I must admit, I did have a little post pardom depression. After six weeks, I want to resume our sex life. W did not. I learned that it takes a long time before the mother is ready for any kind of sex.
We had decided that W would quit working and finish her college degree. I got lucky and found a better job that paid more to help support our family. When W started college, the marriage issues seemed to have stared. I want to say that some of them were my fault. I knew that I was wrong with what I had contributed to our marriage problems.
The first one was that I had gotten jealous of her talking to her ex-boyfriend. I did all the wrong things and checked up on her. W did not like that at all. We had a talk about it. She asked me if I wanted her to stop talking to her ex. Deep down, I knew that there was nothing going on. I told W that it would be unfair for me to ask her to stop talking to him. I should be able to trust her with associating with other men. I thought that that was the end of it. It would come back later.
My second problem was again jealousy. This time it was professor. It was not as bad as the last one. But no execuses. You would think that I had learned my lesson from the first time.
My biggest issue through out our marriage is sex. It has been over a year now since we last had sex. I, like a lot of males, want sex more often than W. It is a way for me to feel closer to my W. To feel wanted and needed. We had a lot of arguments about the sex issue. She didn’t want. She was happy with just having sex to reproduce a child.
About May of 2006, things got really bad. W came to a point that she wanted to divorce. She was unhappy. She felt that she had changed so much since college. She felt that we could not connect anymore. I remember that night of when she said that our marriage was over and that having sex with me made her cringe. I was devastated. I could not believe what was going on. She gave me thirty days. Til this day, I have no idea what was suppose to happen after the thirty days. I slept on our couch for a month wondering what would become of us. I am not much of a religious man but, I prayed every night for God to help us save our family and marriage. Thirty days passed, nothing happened. No one move out.
I had bought DB and DM books for me to read. I went dark on W and did not bring anything relationship related to W. I started to look at myself more and think about what I was doing wrong in our marriage. I went to personal counseling sessions for about several months after her bomb. I learned that I was not really listening to my W when she would tell me what bothered her. I kept taking what she said and tried to fix her, in her eyes. Part of that is true. I was also trying to understand where she was coming from. I read a lot of the forums and other help sites to give me some help in understanding what was happening to me. I did learn a lot.
We went on our annual family vacation to a beach in July of ‘06. We have gone to this beach every summer for that last five years. We had a really great time. We had such a great time that we went a second time a few weeks later. W and I were getting along almost like the days of old. She even allowed me to touch her to put sun block on her. I had been afraid to touch her for fear of rejection from her.
When we got home, we found out that our sister in law was pregnant. W got all excited and wanted to get pregnant too. She thought about for a couple days and decided that she didn’t want to right now. This is a reoccurring theme for her. Throughout the past year, she would mention the baby issue two more times. It is almost like she feels that nothing is wrong when, deep down, there are a lot of issues. In the past year, I have never brought up any relationship issues. I have always left it up to her. I think her issue right now is the trust issue. I also think that since she is a teacher, she has seen children from broken homes are going through and did not want for us to go through that. So, I know that in her way, she is trying. She could have walked out last year if she really wanted to. Right now we are living like roommates.
Let me sum this up a little. My stitch is getting too long. We have a marriage where both parents are very involved with our son. We do all the chores pretty much 50/50. Sometimes I may do more, sometimes she does. Neither one of us smoke, no drugs, no physical abuse from either party. We talk everyday about work, school and family. We both aree on how to raise our son. We are both great parents. W and do go out to eather dinner together, just the two of us. I think what really bothers me the most is the no physical contact between the two of us. I really look at our marriage was always a trial and error. All I want is for W to love me for who I am and for what I am not. That is all.
I have suffered through low self esteem, rejection and not being wanted. I have had my W tell me that she didn’t want me. Yet through it all, I stayed. I stayed because we took those vows of marriage. I am not done yet fighting for our marriage. So I sign on and off with Miawip, which means Marriage Is A Work In Progess. Thank you all for reading my stitch.
All I want is for W to love me for who I am and for what I am not. That is all.
Sorry, but that is just not going to work. You need to chage a lot of the dynamic between the two of you or things will just continue on "as is." All the attraction of a R is being sucked right out of your M. I know because I've been there, still am at times. It is hard, but you will need to figure out how to step up and confront your W on what is going on. If you wait too long, she will be a WAW. I know you are frustrated but so is she. There are plenty of incidences on this board of the S who stated they were the one's with the HD but their spouse ended up going off with someone else or just getting out of the M all together. Sounds like she is working towards that option. Avoiding the issues is a recipe for disaster. Talk to her. LFL
Thank you for your reply. I am starting to do the things that I have been afraid of over the last year. I am taking more chances in trying to reconnect with her. Our vacation is in about two weeks. We will see what happens.
This weekend went ok. W was somewhat grumpy during the whole weekend. Our son had his tonsils taken out last week. He is three years old. He, of course, has been in a lot of pain. He wakes up crying what seems like every hour on the hour. W can't deal with it very well. She seems to get very frustrated that he does get up so often during the night. I admit, I have felt some frustration too at times. But I do know that I don't completely understand how much pain he is going through. Only he knows that. Anyways, W was disappointed that none of her friends were home over the weekend for her to go out with. I offered that she and I go out. She didn't care for that idea. It is weird at times that we talk about everything but R issues. We are both training for a marathon. I thought this was a good idea. It was something that we could do together and have something in common. We usually challenge each other as to how far and how fast we can run 5 miles or so. I tell people that I am really running and training just to amuse her. She is definitely a better runner than I am.
All this sounds like, ILYBNILWY type thing. What do you all think?
Anyways, W was disappointed that none of her friends were home over the weekend for her to go out with. I offered that she and I go out. She didn't care for that idea.
This is the one thing that jumps out at me. Women usually have this thing where they don't want to plan dates with a man. Try planning out a date, arranging a babysitter, and then see if she's up for it, in a genuinely non-needy fashion. Plan something that you can still enjoy if she doesn't want to go with you. If she still resists, I'd be very concerned, but go anyway and wholeheartedly enjoy it. After a few times of that, it takes a stubborn person indeed to not even be tempted to go along and share in the fun.
Originally Posted By: Miawip
It is weird at times that we talk about everything but R issues.
Keep it up. Only talk about R issues when she clearly wants to.
Originally Posted By: Miawip
We are both training for a marathon. I thought this was a good idea. It was something that we could do together and have something in common. We usually challenge each other as to how far and how fast we can run 5 miles or so. I tell people that I am really running and training just to amuse her.
What people? Did it get back to her? Whether it did or not, this is not a good attitude to take with you to any shared activity. Throw yourself into it wholeheartedly and share your appreciation of it with each other.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Our anniversary is this Saturday. We plan to go out to dinner to celebrate it. Olive Garden or something like that.
I tell people at my work about our training for the marathon. W knows that she can pretty much beat me in a 5k and up. We challenge each other more as a motivation factor. When one of us does not feel like running, the other will. This encourages the other one to want to run too. It is a lot of fun for me. I feel that the running is a way for us to connect. It is something to build on. I do take the running seriously. I tell people that she kicks my butt to make her look better, I guess. The joking part is just a way for us to make the whole running thing a fun activity.
We talked this morning about her dinner with her girlfriend who just got back from Puerto Rico. She was telling me about their evening and stuff like that.
I haven't read the SSM book yet but, should I take more chances and try to create some kind of physical touch? Like the basics, a kiss or hug?
(((((hugs)))) to you Miawip, My only advice is to try and talk to her. I haven't read the ssm book either, but I hear its great! I hope you can work this out. If everything else is going well There has got to be a way. I can't imagine going that long with no touching! My h and I do have our issues, but he is very affectionate, and if he wasn't I don't think I could be with him. Its got to bother her also, But maybe not. Has she always been like that? Did it get worse after your son was born?
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Things really changed after our son was born. The touching thing stopped last May. There has been too many excuses as to the fact that she is stressed out over having a child and school. We all do get stressed out. It is a matter of how you handle it.
See, one of things that my W has said that she has changed. I replied, we all change. She felt that she had changed more than I did. I relied that that is ok. Some of her arguments (last May) seem to me to be very loose ones. I told that we are not going to be the same people. Our marriage is going to change as we go through the years.
Another one of her arguments was that our responsibilities as parents are different. I replied, of course they are. I am the father and she is the mother. We both will approach situations with raising our son differently at times. As long as we talk about the situation and come to a compromise.
Going back to the no touching and kissing. I had told W that our ritual kiss goodnight was a way for me to know that she loves me. She took that away to let me know that she felt otherwise. So now, it is not a matter of us having sex. I just want at least our kiss goodnight back. That seems more important to me than sex right now. General human touch as a way to feel connected.
You are absoultely right! A kiss is not that much to ask for. She sounds like she has some serious issues. I can speak from experience, that I have 2 children, one is 4 1/2 and the other is 20 mos. Kids are demanding, especially 2 boys Anyway, yes as the primary caregiver (I see you help out a lot) my h works very long hours, so I am alone a lot... It gets rough. But I see you helping out and being there, and yes she works outside the home, but so do you. I don't see her point her. Yes everyone gets tired, god knows, and no, its not excuse for not getting a "touch" once in awhile.
I guess what Im saying is, although im not really offering any advice, I am validating you feelings, that you have every right to feel the way you do considering how she is treating you. I may not be up for sex as much as my h would like, but I am always affectionate with him when he's home.
I hope things change for you, if you love her you need to work on your approach maybe. If you just can't take it anymore, then you need to move on. You don't want to become so bitter that you can't get it together and jepardize a life you could have.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
W does have a some things work out for herself. Although, I don't think she feels that there is anything wrong with her. The whole sex issue I think goes deep. She has told me in the past that when she was growing up, she was taught that sex was a bad thing. I think also that she had some bad experience with sex from previous relationships.
One of the things that I do notice about me is that I tend to focus so much on my marriage. Meaning that I would give up my friends and other family members for my family. I saw as a pattern for most of my life. I would feel guilty if I did things outside our house. I think right now W wants to branch out more. She calls it "cultivating her social network". I do agree with her on this point. I remember sitting alone and realizing that I really didn't have any friends that I just did stuff with. So lately, I find myself trying to do the same.
Weekend plans:
1. Dinner out to celebrate our 6th anniversary 2. We are hosting a crab feast on Sunday with a bunch of our friends. 3. Heading to the beach on Tuesday. 4. Run 8 miles for our marathon training.
How about everyone else's plans? I hope everyone has a great fourth of July. I won't be online for a few days.
Anyway, yes as the primary caregiver (I see you help out a lot) my h works very long hours, so I am alone a lot... It gets rough. But I see you helping out and being there, and yes she works outside the home, but so do you. I don't see her point her. Yes everyone gets tired, god knows, and no, its not excuse for not getting a "touch" once in awhile. 