We learn from our mistakes. I'm learning that I can be a real jerk despite my best intentions.
I've been doing and am doing really well with everything. Applying all lessons learned, etc.
Yesterday was going great. She e-mailed me some cool stuff. Called to relate some funny incident involving S14. Went to D12 softball game, really nice vibe happening. Everything was going well.
It seemed that we had taken a turn towards a nicer place after the talk about finances, W getting a job and such on Sunday.
W even seemed more at peace, hard to explain but everything just seemed.., easier?
I have learned though, to not let my guard down. Not because of her, because of me. The things in me that need to be changed still need to be watched and beat down every time they rear their ugly head. Mental whack-a-mole.
I'm stressing about my injury, finances and other issues. W keeps wanting an answer about a trip out of town we were scheduled to take, months ago. We are supposed to visit friends over the 4th holiday. It's out of town, our financial situation is nowhere near what it was when we originally planned this.
Whine, snivel, piss and moan.
Sitting on the bleachers with W, she says again, (3rd time in a few hours), "we really need to know what we are doing, I have to call _____, just tell me what we are going to do".
Idiot boy me pipes up with, "I can stay home and watch the kids while you go out with your friends, why do I need to spend a ton of money I don't have so you can do that in another state?"
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
I knew as soon as I said it, I never should have let that roll off my tongue. If felt great. I wanted her to feel my pain. I wanted her to know that to some degree that is what I think about it.
Yet that is not all I think about it.
We get back to the house later. W brings it up. I knew I had it coming. I stood there and took it.
W said I'm still doing all the same stuff. I still assume wrong things about her. I still accuse her of bad things that she doesn't do. She knows now for sure, she can't let her guard down around me. I don't know just what I had and I'll never know now because it's gone.
I just let her rant. I had it coming. I shouldn't have said it.
Although now I know. To some degree, I'm a baby. I have to work on shutting up. I have to work on letting go.
I have to make this a behavior, not just something I muscle my mind into. It has to be ME.
For my sake. I don't want to be some miserable, bitchy, complaining baby.
Maybe I should call her and apologize?
I just want to forget about it. It was weak, it sucked. I want to pretend it didn't happen.
It would seem like no big deal. Yet given our cirumstances, everything can be a big deal. W said it's like being in a fight, where you get hit so much that after while, one hit can just take so much out of you.
This sucks.
I hate taking the pain meds, but maybe if I wasn't feeling any pain I wouldn't have been on the edge and pissy?
Screw that, no excuses. I control me. I have brought about massive and radical changes in me over the last few months. I can do this.
Pain versus Pleasure.
The pleasure of lashing out isn't equal to the pain of feeling her pull away again. Of sleeping on the couch again. Of telling my D10 that I'm sleeping on the couch because I have to get up early and don't want to bother everyone..., then hearing my D6 and D10 tell me all the reasons why I should sleep in my bed with their mother, that it won't wake them up, that it's okay, that they will go lay in their bed right now, don't worry about it, we don't need to fall asleep in here. You can put us to bed now and then come back and lay down with mommy.
Nope. Getting it off my chest doesn't compare to the cross I carry now.
Not being overly dramatic, but that's what it feels like. Small weight off of chest, hours later, still carrying crushing weight.
