I honestly do not know what his motives are. My very best guess is that discontent in our marriage has led him to just feel flat out resentful and he has allowed it to come up and become such an issue. When I asked him today that very question point blank, he said he SHOULDN'T HAVE been ok with it all these years. I suspect that coupled with the discontent is this feeling that he is too good for me or something. He was always insecure before and now there is a slight possiblity that he could be on a series on Discovery Channel through his work. They were featured on Dirty Jobs, so he has met Mike Rowe, etc. There has been talk of a reality series for years now. Up and down. One minute it's gonna happen and they're going to be the next "West Coast Choppers" (or whatever that show is called), the next minute it all falls through. It seems like at times when he "gets strong" because of positive stuff going on in his life (or even the potential for it) he starts getting really cold and resentful towards me. I don't think it's even conscious, but I do think it's partly related.
Here's where I'm coming from. I have tried NOT to elicit help from my girlfriends, because their advice often sounds the same and the general message is that I'm being a bit of a fool.
Here's what my girlfriends have had to say: (and they are not dramatic, head-shakin, finger-wavin' girlfriends. They are intelligent, rational, caring women who have known us for years and have a variety of experiences personally to draw from. I fully respect every one of them and their "advice" always sounds eerily similar.)
J wrote: Something that has been weighing on my mind lately is I had a chance to read your postings on Sunday that you linked to me and I was deeply saddened to hear what a horrible time you are going through. I read the ENTIRE thing (a few hours but I did it) and If you ever just need to talk please know that I am here for you. I even have a place for you and your kids to stay if you should ever need to. I have to be honest with you because I would like to give you my thoughts on a subject that you were comfortable enough to share with me. YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG. I am very angry at Joey for treating you the way he is. I am not going to bash him and I truly want your marriage to work but I have to say it, the problem lies with him. Although I am proud that he is “trying” now the impression I got was you were in a “bipolar relationship”. When things were good, Joey was giving you the emotional connection that you so desperately were trying to get from him. When things were bad it was because he had the audacity to throw things in your face from a time when, quite frankly, you weren’t even exclusively dating. Did it hurt him? I’m sure it did in 1994 and sure it may bother him now but to constantly grind the same old sausage is ridiculous and self destructive. It also seemed to me he was dangling it in front of your face like a carrot any emotional connection you were craving. He’s not stupid, he knew that is what you wanted from him and he was withholding it to get what he wanted from you (and you and I both know what that is). That certainly is not the way to get it by quilting you into it. As for emailing Pam, that was done when you were in a marriage. Your “dating” someone else in 1994 was not behind his back, you were broken up. If anybody should be to blame for hurtful actions, it should be him (not you). It also sounded like he was baiting you to end the marriage. He kept saying to you “so, are you saying you want to end it because it sounds like you do” when in fact you were only trying to make things work. It sounded like he wanted you to cave and be the “bad guy” for ending the marriage when he was doing everything possible to make you miserable enough so you would make “the call” and he could turn around and throw it in your face for hurting him “once again”. It’s called reverse psychology and an outsider reading it can clearly see what is happening. Joey should be PROUD to have you for his wife and if he can’t act like a decent husband, he doesn’t deserve you!! Nobody said marriage was easy, but it also shouldn’t be that hard either. Keep up with the counseling if you can. I know money is really tight for you but it will hopefully save things in the long run. I am afraid you are heading down a path that won’t end happily. Most importantly, think of your 2 great kids. What damage is being done to them by constantly seeing this fighting? Mari is at an age where she will pick up on things like this. How sad will it be if she grows up thinking that this is how all marriages are L.
Again, I want you to call me if you need to talk. If you are sitting in a Kinko’s parking lot and just need somebody to vent to, you know my number.
Lots of Love and Hugs, J ________________________
C wrote: I think this is a really funny argument because breaking up with someone is by it's nature one sided. Nobody gets to have a say in the matter when they get dumped, otherwise it would be a mutual split. The thing is, if you two did decide to break up-- he could go out and sleep with someone else. But if he decided afterwards that he made a mistake, you have every bit of freewill to tell him to screw off, you don't appreciate it, you don't want to take him back. But if you take him back, you can't wait 10-15 years and then start making his life a living hell. Either you take him back or you don't.
I hate to seem like a pessimist about this situation, and if you read this and want to tell me to [censored] off, you may. But I don't think that Joey is going to come around as long as you are letting him act like this. If the therapist has sat down with him alone and tried to plead your case to no avail, he is going to need a strong kick is the ass to wake up. I think that as long as you are being nice and trying to appease him and apologize for what you did, he is winning this bizarre battle of wills. I think the only thing that is going to impact him is stand up to him and let him know that it's is over. If he wants to continue to stew about it, then he can do it somewhere else. It isn't healthy for you (eventually you are going to be worn in to dust if you keep accepting the way he is treating you, and you aren't going to realize it until you are so depressed that you can't get out of bed in the morning) and it isn't good for your kids to see their parents treating each other this way-- you don't want them growing up thinking this is they way two people who love each other should act. I promise, I am not saying this because I think you need to do something. If you ever do act on this, you have to do it in your own time. But you are one of my closest friends and I am worried about you. it seems like the situation has gone from uncomfortable to unbearable and I really don't want you to get hurt. Joey is lashing out in ways that are incredibly destructive, and I don't want you and the kids getting torn apart by it. you have been with him for a long time, and it is intimidating to think about being separated, but how much are you willing to put up with in order to avoid that?
We are having a little get together with my parents tonight for H's and D's birthday and we would love it if you and the kids wanted to come and join us. There is no need to bring anything-- seriously save the birthday presents for her party-- and H is going to make dinner and my mom is bringing cupcakes. D would be so excited to have Mari over. We got her Dora's fairy castle for her birthday, they would have fun playing with that. if you are interested in coming over, we would love to have you. (don't worry, I ran it by H and my mom and they both said they thought that would be fun). Let me know.
Also, if you think my advise is crap, that is ok. You are the only one who can gauge how bad things are. I only hear what you tell me. I really won't be offended if you disregard it and never want to talk about it. I will also always be here if you need help or a shoulder to lean on. I know how hard it is when things are just not going your way.
