You need to start being very business-like about this whole custody thing so your wife "gets" the situation. Custody in divorce is very cut and dry.
I have actually been thinking that I would like to start our custody schedule now. This way sitch's like yesterday cannot occur. My W still makes all the plans for our girls...like tonight I had no say in the fact they were going to their Aunts house. Again tomorrow night they are going to my IL's house. Was this OK with me? Nope... Did my W tell our 5D about her plans? Yes... So if I was to confront my W on this I turn out to be the bad guy because 5D is really looking forward to these plans now. I think, like you are saying ROOT, make this cut and dry and remove the stress from it all. She will know when it is OK to make plans and I will know when it is ok to make plans without stepping on each others toes or feelings. I really have no issues with my girls spending time with their Aunts and Grandparents, I just want to asked if it is OK before the plans are finalized.
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I have to agree with Cadesmom, your wife sounds like she's thinking out things and possibly wavering.
I'll have to trust that is what it looks like because from where I am sitting there is not a whole lot of hope.
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Please don't try to convince her of anything, she has to figure this out on her own.
I am done....atleast I am doing my best to be done trying to convince her of anything.... Actually, maybe I should try to convince her that earth is flat and the earth is the center of the universe. Or maybe that democracy and a free market society sucks and we should become communist. I would have an easier time doing that then trying to convince her that her choice of D is a mistake. I just have to keep telling myself to agree with her point no matter how looney it is.
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In other words, anything I was fighting for, extra custody, extra money for medical situations, etc... I passed onto the lawyer, and what's "best for the kids," so my husband wouldn't see it as ME as fighting against him).
Pass the buck to the L. I would rather her hate my L instead of me. I will do this as often as possible. For instance, in our provisional agreement she had a couple of issue's with some of my requests(though all of them were more then fair) and I put them on my L. I told her that my L saw problems with certain agreements in the past so she just wanted to protect me. That defused any concerns or questions my W had at that time.
FIB, My girls are my #1 priorty and my biggest concern. I agree with you wholeheartedly when it comes time for my girls to find a H. I want them to know, from my example, exactly what they want in a H and how they deserve to be treated by their H. Like you I want to know and take comfort when they do get married that their H is right man for them. It is the example that we set that will allow us to sleep soundly knowing that our D's have chosen a man that we will be proud to call son.
Rightnow I have to do this on my own I have no encouragement from my W. She really just has a negative attitude towards me and says "I hope that our girls don't feel dismissed by you like you have made me feel over the years". Screw her.. I do not need her support or encouragement for me to give my girls the Dad that they deserve. With or without my W I am going to be the best damn Dad to those girls and they will know through how I treat them that they are loved, protected, beautiful, and can be secure in themselves.
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Strength and honor....and give those two girls a big hug tonite.
Already have.... I hug them and give them kisses whenever I get the chance. This sitch has not changed this about me. I let them know they are loved whenever possible..
BTW, I finished the NUTS book(thanks for the recommendation) and I just started reading "No more Christian nice guy". I actually heard the author on the radio recently and a lot of what he had to say was inline with the NUTS book, it is just from a Christian perspective....
I'm curious what your answer to this was. I'm hoping something like this:
"Please don't concern yourself with my work arrangements."
I told my W that I talked to my boss and informed him of the possible need in of a schedule change and that I have not heard back from him yet. I left it at that...
I guess like you have said to me in the past(and ROOT) treat this like a business transaction. You don't walk into a car dealership letting them know you have X to spend so they can put you in a Yugo and make a killing. You keep your cards close and only show them when you have to. I have to admit this is and will be hard to get used to doing since I have always been transparent with my W.
Today was a pretty low key though interesting day for me. I meet with one of the head hunters that we use today at work. The last couple of times that he has stopped by the office he mentioned that I wasn't my normal self and he would like to get coffee one day with me. Well today was the day. I ended up telling him a little about what was going on and that I was getting D. He then started to tell me that he cheated on his W. He was telling me what was going on in his head during the A. Really the biggest thing for him was the excitement/lure of it. But for him after a month or so he realized the sex was nolonger that exciting and that he did not want to leave his wife. He did counseling for about 6 months because he was all messed up inside his head. He did not want to leave his W and family but the excitement of the A was enticing. Could he really be happy in his M, could he really love his W the way she deserved to be loved... He admitted that he was scum for what he did ... He knew seeing me that I was either getting D or had a terminally ill kid and either way he wanted to help me if he could. I appreciated him sharing with me, it was unexpected.
Later in the afternoon the OMW called me again. She really doesn't call that often but when she does I try encourage her the best I can to use this time to better herself and love her girls as much as possible. I think our few conversations that we have really helped her(her words not mine). I try to encourage her to detach, stop fretting about the A. There is nothing either of us can do about it, let it go. Do what is best for you and rightnow our S's are not what is best for us. It did suck to hear that her H has turned into a total jerkoff to her. Besides the normal blame that the WAS gives, her H is constantly giving her F bombs and degrading her. Its not totally because I feel her husband is a total piece of sh!tt, but I do not feel any women should be treated this way, especially when she is the mother of your children. No matter what, she is always going to be the mother of this dirtballs kids and should be treated with respect because of that reason alone.
Later, once I got home tonight I grilled hotdogs and hamburgers for everyone. Afterwords my W took our girls to her sisters house. I used the time to do bills, mow the lawn, and do some shopping. I bought 2 pairs of shoes, 2 shirts and a new pair of slacks. I won't see my W until Friday, I will save the new outfit for Friday. As usual I put both girls to bed tonight and my W is off to work.
Sounds like the OM is a real winner. I'd actually like to hear some bad things about my wifes OM. Although i guess if our wives don't ever wake up these jerks may be our kid's step parents.
the OM's old boss is supposed to come by my house to settle up an old bill this week. He knows about the situation at the house, and my wife is a little freaked out and wants to be there as she's afraid he will tell me somethings about OM that are not so flattering, and that will affect my demeanor. Funny, i'm not looking forward to the whole meeting as you might imagine.
I do think you should start to implement your parenting schedule now. If Monday nights are hard for her because she worked the weekend, then give her Monday nights. But you need to be careful about adopting "her" schedule entirely.
To the extent possible, I think you should aim for 50% of their waking hours. Since you are still sharing the house, and she sees them all day, you should have most of the evenings.
I'd aim for a clear 50/50 set in stone.... and then any special requests need to be arranged 28-48 hrs in advance. And let her know if she has a work problem you will take the kids any extra hours (that way you get extra time!!!). Didn't you say she's a nurse? Maybe I'm thinking of someone else... but if so, you may have the chance to get them more than 50%.
Gosh, if I have pity for anyone in your family it's your wife. It sounds like she's hooking up with a total jerk. I feel sorry for OMW too. Please don't let this situation turn you into anything negative. Stay on that high road buddy! You are doing great.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
It did suck to hear that her H has turned into a total jerkoff to her. Besides the normal blame that the WAS gives, her H is constantly giving her F bombs and degrading her. Its not totally because I feel her husband is a total piece of sh!tt, but I do not feel any women should be treated this way, especially when she is the mother of your children.
...and this is the man that your W has selected. Em..it will all come out. Chances are, you'll be long gone and moving ahead with life when she realizes she hooked up with a man who treats women like crap and cheats on his W.
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Later, once I got home tonight I grilled hotdogs and hamburgers for everyone. Afterwords my W took our girls to her sisters house. I used the time to do bills, mow the lawn, and do some shopping. I bought 2 pairs of shoes, 2 shirts and a new pair of slacks. I won't see my W until Friday, I will save the new outfit for Friday. As usual I put both girls to bed tonight and my W is off to work.
My life EXACTLY. LOL. Gotta keep me away from the spatula. Have grill, will travel.
You'll be OK Em.....just remember to throw those words back at ME when it's my turn.
Let me know how that book is.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
It did suck to hear that her H has turned into a total jerkoff to her. Besides the normal blame that the WAS gives, her H is constantly giving her F bombs and degrading her. Its not totally because I feel her husband is a total piece of sh!tt, but I do not feel any women should be treated this way, especially when she is the mother of your children.
...and this is the man that your W has selected. Em..it will all come out. Chances are, you'll be long gone and moving ahead with life when she realizes she hooked up with a man who treats women like crap and cheats on his W.
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Later, once I got home tonight I grilled hotdogs and hamburgers for everyone. Afterwords my W took our girls to her sisters house. I used the time to do bills, mow the lawn, and do some shopping. I bought 2 pairs of shoes, 2 shirts and a new pair of slacks. I won't see my W until Friday, I will save the new outfit for Friday. As usual I put both girls to bed tonight and my W is off to work.
My life EXACTLY. LOL. Gotta keep me away from the spatula. Have grill, will travel.
You'll be OK Em.....just remember to throw those words back at ME when it's my turn.
Let me know how that book is.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You are right. I am and will be OK. Even though this hurts like hell to go through I am glad that I have had this happen to me. Am I crazy?? No, don't think so. If it wasn't for this sitch I would have kept on living a passive/complacent life. Was my M and life bad before all of this? absolutely not. Could I have lived a more fuller life and not lose myself over the last 7+ years? Yes... I could have but then again things happen for a reason and from here on out I want to make sure that I live to be the Man, Father that I am called and made to be. This sitch has forced me to look at who I am and what I value. Was I always living this way? No.... I often let my W walk all over me fearing that I would make things worse by rocking the boat. You know what, sometimes the boat needs to be rocked. I am me and I will no longer allow someone to effect me in a way that I lose myself and stop being me.
Do I still hold out hope that my M can be saved? Yes.... But I know with or without my W I am going to be me from here on out. Now I just need to get a little bit of my focus back here at work.
A little while ago my W called to talk. Yesterday she received a letter from her L saying that I requested a new judge. She actually had no clue what the paper said so she asked me. I should have told her to talk to her L, but I did not. I told her that I requested a new judge. What this means for me is that we are no longer in the circuit court(sides heavily with the W) and going to a court that only deals with family law. I do not think this helps me a whole lot, but I increases my chances of not getting screwed. She felt this meant that I was going to drag her through the mud and get nasty. She told me that as a Christian that I have the choice to make godly decisions(hmm...like getting a D is a godly decision). We actually talked for a while and I just validated her feelings and did my best to not defend myself. She told me that she felt that I was holding the past over her head and that she was not going to do that to me anymore. As gently as I could I showed her how I was not doing this and how she still was holding things against me. She did not argue and maybe actually saw my point. She cried through most of the conversation, which she said she would never do in front of me again. I told her again that I did not think she was evil or a bad person.
All in all a decent conversation. Did it do anything to save my M? Don't think so. I think it might have helped her see that I am taking the high road. She now knows that what ever choices I make is for our girls and me. That was my answer a few times during the conversation. She also mentioned that the D can be over as soon as August 5th. It will be weird being single. 1/3 of my life I have been with my W, it will be foreign for me to be going about life without her.
