I imagine her as this really mellow kind of tomboyish woman. The kind of woman who plays softball and likes a couple beers on occasion. She has lots of female friends and when they get together she frequently tells humorous anecdotes that include the phrase "but you know Cemar". Her house is kind of messy and loud (boys and dogs running about) but dinner is always on the table right at 6:00 and the laundry is done regularly. Cemar's behavior mystifies her on occasion but gives her no great cause for concern.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
If the issue of sexual fulfillment has not been addressed, then essentially the mans needs have not bee addressed. I may be reading between the lines, but it seems that the mans issues in marriage always seem to be addressed LAST.
Cemar - just because your main focus in a M is fulfilling your sexual needs, that doesn't mean that is the main focus of EVERY man
You vaguely respond to posts but never give any concrete answers or replies to questions asked of you and you wonder why YOUR needs are not being met? Take a good hard look in the mirror!!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The point Baltoman made was struck a real chord with me. He feels appreciated ar woek and respected but not so much in the home.
Think about it TAL thats pretty much how you feel like what you do isn't appreciated or important to your H hence the resentment.
I know when my kids were small and my H worked really hard he resented that I didn't think he was a wonderful husband. Actually I thought he was a lousy husband. He was a great provider financially and his hard work paid for the home. I never spent much money on myself everything went on the kids or house but he did nothing to help out around the house. No gardening no home maintenance no making dinner no you stay in bed as you've been up all night with the baby no appreciation of my own efforts. He resented me not thinking he was Mr wonderful and I resented him treating me like a housekeeper but with sex thrown in.
I have looked at my own marriage from both points of view and can see the mistakes I've made myself doubt very much if my H can see the ones he made.
The reasons for lack of sex in a marriage are not all about desire (the mistake Cemar continues to make and will never change) more about the resentments that lead to the lack of intimacy and then lack of desire IMO. Maybe more from a womans POV but I think also from a man's. Can understand why A's happen who wouldn't want someone that acts like you are perfect. Chocs wife is prime example.
Shortchanged - thank you for taking the time to write your opinion, it is very accurate!! Can't believe you don't have kids! Anyway that is exactly my point. Last night didn't work out so well, he had asked me to do something for him on the computer and I just forgot, so I had to get right on it, but he took the kids upstairs and had a bath with them. Not real sexy, but he had a good time with them which is really important to him and me.
Im up at this ungodly hour because he locked himself out of the house and had to unlock the door not a happy camper am I ... he did say sorry and he loved me.. so that was a good thing. But I just started having anxiety about leaving the kids this wkend. We are going away saturday over night about 2 hours away.. first time in 5 years I am apart from the kids. And I know it's a good thing.. but when your with them 24/7 its really hard to leave.. thinking something bad could happend to me and my h and who would take care of them.. I know I have to get over it because me and H really need this time together.
As far as being tired and not wanting sex? well.. Its not always that I can tell you.. My drive is a lot lower since I had the boys. The dr. told me that your hormones change and sometimes that happens.. believe me when I tell you that I do try to get myself in the mood, sometimes I just can't. If he wants to do it at 10pm.. no im really not interested.. Im a morning person not a night person and im in bed usually by 9 the latest. The kids have me up early and im worn by then. Also, It definately is his approach sometimes to, hard and strong.. no easing into it which is better for me. But I really have to start letting him know Everything that bothers me about it. I like the house burning down comment... what's even funnier is that if it were my h talking he would say the same thing.
I do like sex with him, he always "takes care" of me in that sense, he does try to be accomdating, we just have to have some common ground and appreicate each other efforts all the way around.
Im going to check out your stitch..
Have a good day.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I know when my kids were small and my H worked really hard he resented that I didn't think he was a wonderful husband. Actually I thought he was a lousy husband. He was a great provider financially and his hard work paid for the home. I never spent much money on myself everything went on the kids' or house but he did nothing to help out around the house. No gardening no home maintenance no making dinner no you stay in bed as you've been up all night with the baby no appreciation of my own efforts. He resented me not thinking he was Mr wonderful and I resented him treating me like a housekeeper but with sex thrown in.
Judy, is that you?
You describe my early marriage to a T. I did not help out much around the house. I did work 14-16 hours a day and while I loved my job, I resented that I missed a large part of my kids early life. I also resented that while Judy would be stressed about finances, she would give me a hard time about my hours. To my simple mind, I figured you can complain about money or you could complain about the methods used to fix the situation, but not both.
On the other hand, I didn't realize how lonely she was. How abandoned she felt. Didn't realize it for years. By then the damage was done. While we may still salvage a workable, pleasant relationship, something has been lost that seemingly will not be recovered.
I'll bet your H does know his contributions to the state of the M. If not, he will eventually.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
My xH was also a workaholic. Still is. He also had very deep-seated insecurities, despite his successes. He had little to no empathy for women, for he did not respect them (there are understandable reasons for that, but it doesn't make it easy to be in such a person's life), and he would continually take on more and more and more responsibility. He would alway promise, "Just one more year, and then I'll slow down, I promise."
Though I would never fault him as a father, he does father on his timetable. Men probably do that more... women tend to drop whatever they are doing for their kids, and I'm no so sure that either approach is the best way. Anyway...
You are right, Balt. After years of broken promises, me watching him use up his health to gain his wealth... being stuck in a compartment of his paranoid life (you are MY wife, MY sex partner, MY cook, MY cleaner)... I wasn't my own person. There wasn't anything there to have a relationship WITH, for anything that was unique about me, as a person, fell to the vision he had of what I should have been.
Any admiration and attraction I had for him, died. I was always rebelling against what he thought I SHOULD be. It felt very parental, very controlling, and very hurtful, for when we were dating, the person I was, the things that were unique about ME, were the very things that attracted him to me in the first place.
At the end, all that was left was his anger and his piousness. Well, for a good many years, all I got was his anger and his piousness. It was an old, skipping record.
Now he would say that everything he did, he did for me and the kids. He would say he always gave into my needs, he would say that I had it made, that all he ever wanted to do was make me happy. Puke. Please. I lost empathy for that sales pitch a long time ago. It was the easy route... because he was so flippin' tired from working all the time... he had no energy, no drive, and no confidence to put toward our R. That was MY job anyway. If the R failed, then it was my fault, not his.
So we got to the point that we WERE going to stay together for the kids... and then other things happened and the whole thing finally exploded. But you are right, Balt. Unless your wife regains her respect and attraction for the man that you are, not the man your job description defines... that great something from your R will always stay lost. IMHO.
Balto I also resented that while Judy would be stressed about finances, she would give me a hard time about my hours. To my simple mind, I figured you can complain about money or you could complain about the methods used to fix the situation, but not both. That sounds like at the Lou house, circa 1976.
On the other hand, I didn't realize how lonely she was. How abandoned she felt. Didn't realize it for years. By then the damage was done. While we may still salvage a workable, pleasant relationship, something has been lost that seemingly will not be recovered. Again, I could have written the same thing. My W felt about the same way but told me through complaints of what she didn't have that the neighbors had.
I heard, she wanted a boat, wanted to fly to a vacation spot, wanted what the neighbors had. I heard make more money.
What the underlying message was, she wanted more time to do play things together.
Twenty/thirty years later, BB wants to unload all of the extra things we bought and live a simple, less cluttered life. I have some resentments because all the work I did and things we bought are now considered clutter and they are being given or thrown away.
Corri, BB feels some of the things you said in your post. I wasn't my own person. There wasn't anything there to have a relationship WITH, for anything that was unique about me, as a person, fell to the vision he had of what I should have been. Especially the I wasn't my own person.
Well I felt I had to direct the family activities. Is that controlling or leading? When I didn’t lead, that is when she lost a lot of respect for me. Throw in some co-dependency hype and some W’s mentally check out of a portion of the M.
I felt I was responsible for everyone's welfare. I felt I had a husbandly job to do and BB had a wifely job to do. According to the co-dependency guru’s that is bad for a M, or at least harmful to many females.
you are MY wife (yes and I am her H) MY sex partner (MY only and special sex partner. I don’t want to share me or you with anyone else) MY cook ( no but W does her area-H does his area SAHM M) MY cleaner ( no but W does her area-H does his area SAHM M and I am not picky about food or cleaning.
Unless your wife regains her respect and attraction for the man that you are, not the man your job description defines... that great something from your R will always stay lost. IMHO BB wants a man that wants to be her dog’s daddy and her protector, Mr. Neat, tidy, and a foot/back/hair rubber. BB wants me to lead, but in her direction of interests. Guess I am in a lost M?
Maybe I better be working on the respect and attraction aspect more than trying to please BB.
BB wants a man that wants to be her dog’s daddy and her protector, Mr. Neat, tidy, and a foot/back/hair rubber. BB wants me to lead, but in her direction of interests. Guess I am in a lost M?
I don't know about that. I see a lot of assumptions there, based on part truth, and part projection. I'd spend more time exploring if you actually have a true and accurate assessment.
Quote:
you are MY wife (yes and I am her H) MY sex partner (MY only and special sex partner. I don’t want to share me or you with anyone else) MY cook ( no but W does her area-H does his area SAHM M) MY cleaner ( no but W does her area-H does his area SAHM M and I am not picky about food or cleaning.
Well, the way I looked at it was... I am not a possession, filling these roles, because you hired me to do so. I am a person first, with my own wants and needs, and I've agreed to do these things WITH you, not FOR you. It's a subtle difference, but a critical difference. One falls under the "Book of Should Be's," the other falls into the realm of independence within a defined area. I am free to make choices, and be me, express me, in MY ways, based upon the boundaries we decided TOGETHER. And I extend those same freedoms and guidelines to my H. I fulfill these roles, because I agreed to do so, not because you expect it of me... not because you define HOW I will meet those roles. That is my decision. As it is your decision HOW you will meet the roles you agreed to take on.
But I think people mainly do this in unconscious ways... which leaves the other person open to thinking they can step in and tell you how to do your part of it... and it leaves the other person in the position of drawing a loving, but firm boundary in telling you... no, I'm my own person first. There are always boundaries within boundaries...
We all get the boundary of marriage, but we seldom spend time constructing the boundaries within a marriage. I know I didn't.
Not real sexy, but he had a good time with them which is really important to him and me.
not a happy camper am I ... he did say sorry and he loved me.. so that was a good thing. But I just started having anxiety about leaving the kids this wkend. We are going away saturday over night about 2 hours away.. first time in 5 years I am apart from the kids. And I know it's a good thing.. but when your with them 24/7 its really hard to leave.. thinking something bad could happend to me and my h and who would take care of them.. I know I have to get over it because me and H really need this time together.