One the money comment, I could either just keep sucking it up or be more aggressive. There was talk a few days ago about "demanding" althought that might be a strong word, the money that I spent to fly the kids home on Sunday from visiting their mom. That is what caused me to mention how much money I'd spent on flights for them in the past week, since she was the one wanting me to book the flights for them. I was trying to let her know how much I spent without demanding $ and leaving it up to her to offer to help with the cost or whatever. Why do you think that looks passive-aggressive HS, how could I have gotten that across better? Thanks for you help guys.
Went from work to the same sports bar as yesterday and watched some baseball and ate a bit while waiting for it to be time for the Marriage Enrichment group meeting to start. My wife called me while I was there and it was kind of noise so the first thing she asked was "where are you" and I told her "sports bar watching baseball and eating." She asked where the kids where, I told her they'd gone swimming and now were heading to a movie. She asked if my mom was with me, I told her no, she was home. I started talking about the baseball games I watched yesterday a little. Then she started talking about D23 and her health insurance. This morning when my wife called me she was asking about when my health insurance thru work would be starting and if D23 was on it. Right now all of our insurance is thru my wife's job. She gets her insurance for free but is paying $300/month for me and the 3 kids and she doesn't want to pay it anymore, wants me to put the kids on my insurance. I told her S13 and S15 and I will be on my insurance but D23 is too old and I don't believe she can be covered. My wife didn't want to keep paying $300 a month to insure D23, I told her that if she dropped everyone else but her it should be cheaper. She said she didn't think so, I told her how my insurance works and she told me she'd check on hers.
She is still irritated at how D23 has trashed the car we loaned her, after 4 months the thing is a pig pen inside, spilled coffee, trash all over it, etc. My wife started asking about where D23 was going to live when she comes to where I live at the end of August to start nursing school. I said she could live in one of the bedrooms upstairs (where my wife used to sleep pre-bomb when she was here visiting). My wife said no, that she'd trash the room and that all my wife's books and stuff was in there, that if D23 was going to live with me that she would get a u-haul and pack up all her stuff and move it out. That D23 would be digging thru her clothes and shoes and stuff and just take whatever she wanted, that my wife didn't want to deal with that anymore, that she was done with D23 and all her crap and chaos and drama, she repeated a couple times about if I let her live here that she was going to pack up all her stuff and move it out. I just listened, validated D23's messy behaviors and that she'd have to keep her mess in her room and not have stuff all over the house and not cause problems. My wife started talking about "what are you going to do, tell her she has no business doing that" and then watch her just keep doing whatever she wants. It was personal attack time and I just let it roll off my back, after enough "what are you going to do about it..." comments with total disregard for me doing anything about it I said "I guess I'll have to grab her by the hair and swing her around if she can't behave..." which was a direct reference to my wife's most hated thing, having her hair pulled since her parents did that to her (not that I'd every actually do that to my daughter). There was more talk about D23 getting her own place, getting her own health insurance, I validated what I could, was silent for the most part on what I couldn't.
Then my wife started asking about her parrot, did I feed it any fruit, kind of ragged on how she feels sorry for the bird and how "she should bring it down there and take care of it." I've been taking care of the bird for a year and a half now, I don't do everything my wife does, but I take good care of it and it has lived this long, I felt like telling her that she was welcome to come take care of it herself if I wasn't doing a good enough job, but bit my tongue.
I asked her if she got my email about the confirmation of the boy's flights, she said no, when did I sent it. I told her not too long after we talked earlier I booked the flights and sent her any email and I told her I put that I'd spent $1000 in the past week on flights. She said "how did you spent that much" so I told her, $500 to fly them back on Sunday and another $500 today for camp. She said she'd pay for the flights to camp, but they were done going anywhere, she'd given them $1000 while they were there and she was done spending so much money on them. I said that her paying the $500 would help and thanks.
She said she was going to workout and so I said to have a good workout and thanks for calling, trying to end the call. She wanted to keep on talking and said "do you know where the American League and National League came from in Baseball?" and I told her no, that I'd hear about them all the time, but didn't know where they'd come from. She then spent a bunch of time telling me all about how they'd formed and what the differences were and about the history and how many divisions in each of them and how the teams were picked for the playoffs and she knew which league her favorite teams were on. She'd wondered about the AL and NL today and searched for it on google and learned all about it and told me all about it. We talked for quite awhile about it, I asked her questions here and there and showed a lot of interest. Then she mentioned going to workout again, I asked her if she was still at work and she said no, driving home. She used to call me to/from work during her 45min-1hr drive and that seems like what she'd done today. I told her to have a good workout and thanks for calling. She said she'd talk to me later and bye. The call was 33mins total, I think a record for post-bomb! She wasn't as "good friend" sounding, a little more "matter of fact" but not too negative.
Went to the Marriage Enrichment group session after I got off the phone with my wife. Only the leader and his wife and one other couple showed up. The leader said he'd had 6 couples call this week and thought more people would show, but there was also a competing event tonight and that might be where people are. We prayed, then watched a great video, Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships by Gary Smalley. It was fantastic, the guy is super funny and has a great conversational way of getting his message across. The 1st topic of the 5 part series was "Recognizing and Valuing you and your mates differences." Some highlites are, the #1 most important principle is that "your actions need to communicate your wife is #1 in your life" and also that Honoring yourself and your wife is key, which means attaching a high value to someone and it really effects your attitude and actions towards yourself and your wife. 6 weeks of Honoring someone will change your attitude. Then he covered the 5 significant differences between men and women and the 3 questions to ask your wife to get a road map on how to relate to her. I'm really looking forward to the next session, it was really a good lecture, might buy the tapes/dvds for myself and the workbook and go to town with it.
After the session, I went to a couple stores trying to get tools and parts to finish fixing the riding lawn mower, the back lawn is in bad need of a mowing. Got most of the stuff, then S13 wanted to go to Olive Garden for dinner. I went home and picked him up and met my mom and the 3 of use had dinner. I totally stuffed myself today since my mom had made my favoriate for breakfast, biscuits and gravy, then I went to Chili's with her and had ribs for lunch, then I had nachos at the sports bar, then spagetti and meatballs for dinner (only 1/2 of it!). I think I'm done losing weight and have to get back to the gym before I start gaining the 40lbs back I lost, all of it fat this time!
Got home and headed to bed, decided to sent my wife a goodnight txt msg since I'd not initiated one in a few days, she had been doing all the initiation. So I sent her "Goodnight. Thanks 4 the baseball history lesson it wwas very cool info! I pray u are doing well. Sleep tight & watch out 4 darkness falls. -jdk" and I got back from her right away "Goodnight. I'll give u another lesson tomorrow" and I sent her back "Excellent. Nighty night."
Seems like she spent a lot of time sharing something that really interests her today, since I have an interest too it is a good way to connect. She even mention something about "you know that game you wanted to take me too, the teams are both in the National League..." which was refering to the game I invited her to for our anniversary on Saturday that she turned down.
Bed time for me, also have to arrange an out of town trip for me, my mom and the kids for tomorrow night, -JDK
First I want to ask what year that camero is! I LOVE classic cars, so I'm hoping for a 68 or somethin.
Awesome news about the 30+ phone call! That is awesome! And good job not letting her gripiness get at you, and like Mrhighspeed said, they get tired of it and get to a more pleasant convo.
I think in regards to the money comment on the email, it wasn't done right either. I think you did need to be more direct and just say. "If you are able, it would help me a great deal if you could help me pay for the airline tickets...The 1K I spent on them these last weeks really drained my budget." I don't know.
But it looks like you turned it around anyways, and she's going to help you so that is great.
Sounds like I could use your Marriage group thing too...sounded like really good info! Keep sharing what you learn!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
The camaro is the same year as I am, a '68 I bought it when I was 18 and it sat in my mom's garage until I moved 20 months ago. I finally started buying parts for it post-bomb. When I bought it it was only a shell of a body, no doors, no front fenders or hood or front end, no engine or interior or rear suspension. The guy I bought it from had started to build it into a race car and got married, had kids and didn't have time or money to work on it. I was single and loved working on cars. Never had the time/money/place all at the same time to work on it over the years, especially with my own family and kids. Now I finally have a place, my own shop, now I have the time, just lacking the money, trying to decided how much I'm willing to go into debt to work on it. I bought most of the sheet metal for it, that was over $3000 and that was only a drop in the bucket of what I'll need. I've always tried to not spend money I don't have, so I don't want to go overboard on this car, but I do want to work on it with S13 and S15 and I'm tired of living scared, might just have to take a calculated risk, decided what I'm comfortable with and go for it...
No contact from my wife today until I sent her a pic from my phone of her parrot outside in the fresh air and she called me and said "what is that picture of, is the bird dead..." I told her no, the bird was outside and I walked by and was petting it and decided to send you a picture of it. She said she couldn't see the picture very well and it looked like the bird was laying on the bottom of the cage. Then she talked about S13 a bit, him being bored, I told her I was talking my mom overnight to a resort town about 2 hrs away and I tried to get the kids to go and they didn't want to. I told her I don't feel sorry for S13, he has plenty that he can do, he can't expect to be entertained. She said she had to go, that she was about to pee her pants, I said thanks for calling and she told me she'd talk to me later.
After work I tried to finish fixing the riding lawn mower with S15, made some progress, drilled out the 2 broken off bolts and reassembled the parts, then found out that part wasn't the problem, another one was, tried to disassemble that and broke off 3 more bolts! So the lawn isn't getting mowed today, didn't have time to drill 3 more bolts out before I needed to leave with my mom on our overnight trip. Most of my stuff from Vegas was still in my suitcase, so I threw a couple more things in and zipped it up. Drove about 2 hrs to the town we're staying at, had a nice chinese dinner over looking the lake as the sun went down. Check into our hotel, I was able to get a 2 room suite so my mom has her own room. We swam a bit in the pool and spa until it closed, then talked for 3 hrs about the IC sessions and about what all I'd gone thru during my parents divorce and about all that I've been going thru in my 17 yrs of marriage and post-bomb. Finally at 2am it was bed time, tomorrow we'll have breakfast, maybe swim a bit more, then drive home, I need to finish up some work when I get back and she flys home tomorrow night.
My wife tried to call me while I was in the pool with my mom. When I came back to the room, I sent her a txt msg with "Goodnight. No baseball lesson today? Sleep tight" and she replied after a few mins with "Who was the first black player in the minor leagues?" and I replied with "Jack Robinson?" and she replied with "Ya. Nite" and I sent "Nite."
Nice HS, the bolts are the ones holding the mower deck and the blade shafts together and they're just totally coroded since the bolts are steel, the threads aluminum and all the wet grass sits on them. Tried to use some stuff that unfreezes bolts to help, but it didn't.
For the Camaro I had a corvette LT-1 motor for it, but I gave it to a friend for his race car so now I have to get something else. I'm going to put a small block in it, either 350 or 383, not sure how much power yet, might start out mild and build something better later on.
Time to drive 2hrs home and go to work, should get to work in time for FLF (Free Lunch Friday) which I've missed the last 2 weeks!
JDK thanks for checkin in on me, sorry I've gotten so far behind on you!! It sounds like things are going really well overall, though. That parrot thing made me laugh - she thinks you'd send her a picture of her dead parrot??? Oooookay.
Man you and my H would have a blast together working on cars! He's got a '69 Mustang (also the same year as him). Cool stuff, hope you can find more $$ to work on it soon.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Got caught up on what I could with your sitch. Glad to hear that the communication line is still open and that she seems to be initiating more contact than you. It sounds friendly and positive, which sounds good too.
Hope all continues to go well, all things considered. When is your anniversary? What ideas are you kicking around as to what you should do/not do?
Thanks to ya all for catching up with me, Nikki, HS and GD!
HS you'll be happy to hear that I just broke off a drill bit in the first bolt I was drilling out, it just keeps getting more and more fun... Yes some stainless bolts would do nice too!
Nikki, I'm sure I could hang out with your husband and have a good time working on stuff, you wanna hang out with my wife and we can talk sense into each other's spouses?
GD, anniversary is tomorrow, June 30th. No plans, got her a card, didn't send it, I'll leave it on the counter and she can get it on Monday morning when she gets here. I did buy a private box suite to minor league baseball game for Tuesday. I had tried to get her to go to a major league baseball game on Sat for our anniversary but she "had to think about it" and told me the next morning "just take me to a game when I'm there" so I got tickets for that. I almost sent her flowers and almost overnighted her card to her with a music CD she might like, but stopped myself at the last min and decided to do neither.
After driving back from the overnight stay with my mom, went straight to lunch with all my co-workers. Laughed a bunch over lunch, then went to work to do some critical stuff for 45 mins, then off to IC with my mom. We talked about the stuff we'd talked about during our trip overnight out of town, the IC thinks everything with me is going good, that I've come a long ways in the past few months. One thing I told her was that "I no longer need my wife's approval to feel good about myself, I know I'm a good person and I don't need her to tell me that, I believe it myself", the IC kind of got wide eyed and smiled at that comment. Anyhow it has been a good day, except for the continued lawn mower problems, soon my patience will expire and I'll go buy a new one!!!
Thanks HS, don't have any high explosives so I'll have to stick to my drill press for now.
Slept in this morning, felt good, still seem like I'm trying to catch up on my sleep for the last week (since Vegas). S15 came in and gave me a hug this morning, wanted to know if I wanted to go get some breakfast before he left to go walk his dog at the park with his GF. I told him sure, just needed to wait for S13 to get out of the shower so I could shower and get ready. My wife called and asked what I was doing, asked if S13 was going to play golf (S15 must have mentioned going golfing this weekend to her I guess) and I told her that he didn't want to go, that he'd said "he wasn't a golfer." I asked her if she was working, she said she was driving home from doing rounds, then she was going to visit a friend, I told her to say hi for me. I asked her how her day went yesterday, she said "what did I do yesterday, oh nothing, nothing ever happens around here." I told her to have a good day, thanks for calling and she said goodbye. Only about 3 min conversation, no hint or mention of our anniversary.
By the time I got ready S15 said he wasn't feeling good and was going to lay down and to go to breakfast without him. As I was getting ready to head out, I couldn't find my wallet, check everywhere, remembered last having it last night at dinner when paying for the food. Decided I must have left it at the counter when paying for dinner, drove with S13 to go find out and thank God it was there! Ate breakfast with S13, S15 sent me a couple txt msgs saying he wanted to talk to me alone when S13 wasn't around, that I should try to drop him off at a friend's house. I don't know what he wants to talk about, guess I'll find out in a bit. Time to go finish fixing the lawnmower, get some cars smog checked and whatever else I can find to do to keep busy. Might head to church tonight at 6pm, should be good for me today. My mom sent me a nice email today, she is praying and fasting today for my marriage and gave me a nice list of reasons to have a Day of Joy:
I pray that today will be a Day of Joy for you in spite of the circumstances.
-Joy that your Father is always there for you to meet your needs and loves you unconditionally. -Joy that your mother (and your sisters) also love you unconditionally. -Joy that you are still married. -Joy for your wonderful sons (and stepdaughter). -Joy that God is working daily in your life and teaching you so much and providing so many resources and new support especially through your church. -and other reasons you may personally have . . .
When to church, had a good time, during the end of the service I decided to send my wife a txt msg, it was a bit of a risk, but I decided to go for it: "Hope you are doing well & you are feeling great. Wanted to just let u know I love you and thanks 4 these 17 yrs you have shared with me. Have a Happy Anniversary." I was surprised at her reply of "Thank u I feel the same." I was very happy to get her reply, trying to not read a bunch into it or do anything to scare her off if she is really feeling everything I told her. One of my goals had been that she'd tell me that she loved me by our anniversary, so I guess this is an indirect answer to that goal. My other goal is that she'll move home before the kids start school at the end of the summer, we'll see about that one...
After church I picked up S13 and his friend and took them to dinner. On the drive home to get them my wife called and said "Thanks for the txt msg, I told her thanks for her reply. Then she said "we can do something next week when I'm there and I told her that I got tickets on Tuesday to the baseball game. She said that was great and that I'd better have lots of fireworks. She told me about her day, the friends she met and gone to lunch with, that she'd just gone swimming at the club, now she was going to get something to eat. I told her to have a good evening and thanks for calling, she sounded like she was really in a sweet and happy mood. I wanted to say "I love you" to her as I hung up, but waited until she was gone and after the call ended said it.
Had a nice dinner with S13 and his friend, then came home and played baseball on the PS3 with S13 after his friend went home. Decided to send my wife a txt msg of "Goodnight" and she replied with "Nite."
Good day today, 17 yrs of marriage, didn't know if I'd make it this far 6 months ago, about 50 more years or so to go... -JDK
YES!!!!!! I'm so jacked for you man! I agree that it would be wise to not read too much into it (it was kind of indirect), but she could've responded to that text so many different ways that would've been disappointing. I wouldn't have suggested you text that, but boy did it seem to pay off -- it was time, it looks like! I'm insanely jealous of you, but in a good way ;)!
Hope things continue going well -- make sure that you don't leap back into a needy JDK. Be confident, make steps toward her in moderation, and I think you might just get that other goal you mentioned. It may take longer, but I think you are headed in that direction.
I bought it when I was 18 and it sat in my mom's garage until I moved 20 months ago. I finally started buying parts for it post-bomb. When I bought it it was only a shell of a body, no doors, no front fenders or hood or front end, no engine or interior or rear suspension. The guy I bought it from had started to build it into a race car and got married, had kids and didn't have time or money to work on it. I was single and loved working on cars. Never had the time/money/place all at the same time to work on it over the years, especially with my own family and kids. Now I finally have a place, my own shop, now I have the time, just lacking the money, trying to decided how much I'm willing to go into debt to work on it. I bought most of the sheet metal for it, that was over $3000 and that was only a drop in the bucket of what I'll need. I've always tried to not spend money I don't have, so I don't want to go overboard on this car, but I do want to work on it with S13 and S15 and I'm tired of living scared, might just have to take a calculated risk, decided what I'm comfortable with and go for it...