Madonna/Whore Complex - Part 6

[Heywyre]

As much as I do appreciate the vote of confidence from both you ladies, the bottom line here is, I do love my H and I am confident Lou loves BB also, therefore, as much as it sounds good to latch up over some words on a blank screen, like Lou said "its much different IRL"

(of course this is no slight to Lou at all, I think he is a wonderful man"

[COG]

Heywyre,

Ok so why am I feeling rejected?

It's OK to feel rejected, just don't act rejected. Instead, GAL of your own.

I think the part that ticks me off the most is, as much as I like this guy, I really don't like his behaviour lately.

Hey, that's judgmental and controlling. Quite normal, but quite unhealthy for YOU. Somehow you've got to find a way to let go. Realize that your H is a big boy, and it is not your job to control who he hangs out with or what he does. Part of GALng is to create this atmosphere. Believe me I understand your feelings and motivation. My W hangs out with certain people that scare the heck out of me too. Like one beautiful D woman, another M woman who is'nt happy in her M, and several MEN that she works out with. Oh I'd change a lot of her habits if I could, but I CAN'T! It's been much better for ME to GAL, let go, and trust. It really lightened up the tension in our R.

It just makes me want to scream

So go to the closet, alone, and scream. Then go GAL. When you have created a life of your own then things will change for you. This is about YOU, not your H. It's up to YOU and YOU alone to find fulfillment in life. The longer you continue to expect your H to somehow make your life fulfilling, the longer you will be disappointed and wanting to scream. He can not do it, he will NEVER be able to do it for you. It's up to YOU my Heywyre. You CAN do this, you CAN create the life you long for, but you can not expect any other human being to create it for you.

Just start with a lump of clay.

God Bless,

COG

[OG_Lou]

the bottom line here is, I do love my H
If I can help your M, great.

I am confident Lou loves BB
My current feelings and beliefs: M is a responsibility.

I have elements of: Love, fusion, obligation, dedication, trying to change the M/doing what I have done in the past, hoping for more of the good times we had in the past. Also, some not very honorable, not very loving feelings at times.

I think he is a wonderful man
Thank you HW.

From what I know about you through your posts, Your H is a lucky man.

In one of your post's, you wrote about God not giving you more than you can handle. I don't know if I agree with that idea 100% because I have seen some very damaged people. Some heal and get stronger. Some get through the damage, but function at a lower level than before their “trial by fire.”

I do believe (by observation) that “trial by fire” leads people to resources they never knew the resources existed.

Lou

[Lillieperl]

Did I miss something? How did the visit to the ST go on the 24th?

[Heywyre]

LP - visit to the ST went really well as he confronted H head-on about dealing with this "fuse" inside of him and his (partial) refusal to deal with it (the partial part is him saying "I don't know why" and "there just isn't an answer"). The "fuse" being his need to call escorts. H says he "knows" it won't happen again but ST says unless he digs deep inside and knows why he does it in the first place, eventually it will raise its ugly head again and bite him in the butt. He told him, "just saying you won't do it just isn't good enough".

It has been determined that H is definitely dealing with M/W, although the ST would prefer to refer to it as attachment theory (which has been more widely accepted as a real psychological complex) and has told H that there isn't a psychologist anywhere that can give him the answer, he is the one that will have to dig deep to find that. Long story short, H knows he will never have a "fix" per se. The closest he can come to it (and the ST agreed) is understanding the reason he does this (the attachment theory) and the dynamics of his relationship with his primary caregiver (his adoptive mother). Understanding where it comes from is more than half the battle. Now that he knows this, when the feelings and emotions come up again, he will know how to handle it, based on the methods ST has and will be giving him and I in the next number of sessions. If he does that, in combination with counselling and staying on his AD, he is well on his way to kicking this whole "fuse" in the butt.

[COG]

Heywyre,

Sounds like your ST has a good plan, I hope it'll be a benefit to your H. Now, what about you?

I want to know about YOU! What are YOU working on, what are YOUR goals, what will YOU change? What would you do if you were'nt afraid? I think we need to push each other to be the best that we can be, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes.

You made 27 references to your H, either H, he, him, his, etc in your last post. You referred to yourself only once.

I'm concerned that you are putting all of your eggs in the M/W basket. I can understand why that's an easy thing to do. Your H has acted very badly, you have a professional diagnosis, and prognosis. But that makes it just too darned easy to put YOUR destiny YOUR life in somebody elses hands.

Keep moving on with YOUR life. Do things that YOU enjoy doing. GAL. Find your peace, your fulfillment from within. Remember that we all have weaknesses, character flaws, and sinful nature. This is a great opportunity to discover more about YOU, to go deep and unmask your inner beauty. But that can't be done if you become fixated on someone else.

You are a sweatheart and you deserve the sex of a lifetime with your man. Keep up the good work!

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

What am I doing for me?

Well, the main thing I am doing is moving forward with my career. It has been a long tough road, especially dealing with a major accident 4 years ago, but I am getting the medical attention I need now and I have landed a fantastic job (just accepted yesterday to be exact) and I even negotiated a 4-day work week so that I can persue other interests I have put on hold lately.

I don't have a lot of friends here since we live in a remote area and are newbies, plus my career/life has been consumed lately but now with this new job I will be meeting tons of people. I have been invited to a barbeque July 7th and have already told H I will go by myself if he doesn't want to go.

So I am slowly but surely getting back into society and GAL

[COG]

Hey,

I have landed a fantastic job (just accepted yesterday to be exact) and I even negotiated a 4-day work week so that I can persue other interests I have put on hold lately.......but now with this new job I will be meeting tons of people.......So I am slowly but surely getting back into society and GAL

Oh ya babe, now THAT'S what I'm talkin about and THAT'S where you need to focus your attention, on YOU BABE! So, how's the bod? A little squishy/lumpy? Anything you can to to trim it down, and firm it up? Like it or not, men are visual creatures, that's just how we're wired. So don't underestimate the power you have to change what he see's, get it?

I'm 6', and about 205lbs. I have no butt, and right now my belly is stickin out much too far. Genetics ya know. My knee is finally healing up, so I'm gonna ease back into a running routine, but I'm starting out with long brisk walks. Plus I'm thinking more about what I eat, making wiser choices. It's a long term lifestyle change that works, not crash diets. Just making smarter choices will add up over the long haul.

Keep working on YOU, keep looking at YOU, and just wait till you see what you can be!!!!

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

Based on some of the other women my H has spent time with, I am pretty "HOT" so there isn't a problem there. As a matter of fact, when I was totally in shape was when he had his first A - so a lot of good that did.

But there is always room for improvement. I am just waiting until I get a little better results from the chiropractor before I return to the gym thing (as I get migraine headaches and have to be careful) but H has been incredibly understanding and supportive - he always was.

[RedHeadWife]

I'm glad to hear that you are 'working' on you as well. Not that you had issues, mind you, but that you are taking time for YOU and only YOU. That you aren't basing your entire life on H. I'm still working on that but really don't have much choice w/ him gone anyway! It's so easy to lose ourselves in the M and trying to get it back on track, you know? Especially when you (I) kind of felt lost before anyway. I'm happy for you!