I spoke with my counselor today and he gave me some good basic advice. He asked me if I sincerely apologized. I did say that I was sorry while I was crying when I found out that she didn't want to work on the marriage. I came across sorry and probably not convincingly to my W, I assume now looking back on the statement.
My counselor said that I should look my wife into her eyes and firmly state that I apologize for leaving her, lying to her, and not making her feel secure with my actions. Tell her that I have learned from my mistakes and no matter what she decides to do, I will never do this again. He suggested that I stand up tall, look her in the eye and mean my apology from the bottom of my heart and most importantly be strong. Don't be whiney. He suggested that I apologize out of the blue. I know that I am going to feel nervous doing this. I am going to do this tomorrow if the timing is right and then just leave immediately.
He said that I have to apologize without any expectations. He said to not explain why I did what I did because that is the past. I can't change or justify my behaviors. Just tell her that I made a poor decision and that it won't happen again. He said that I need to stand up for myself and it is unacceptable for her to be searching through my phone because that is not a healthy relationship.
He suggested that I go to the circus with my W and D3 and have the best time ever. He said that I NEED to be happy and silly. He made a good point. He asked me what it means that my W filed. I told him that she doesn't want me, she doesn't love me, she doesn't trust me, she is done with me. He quickly stopped me and said, it doesn't mean anything. So what if she filed. He said that I am making up all of the reasons why she filed and none of it is true. I am creating the reasons!
I know in the past, my W asked me for a confessional letter asking about everything that I did in my past. Then we went to Retrouvaille and I opened up to her a lot about my plans and hopes for the future and she responded well. I wonder if I should apologize and then write her a letter about how the future will be different and what I will do to ensure that it is going to be promising. I know that my W needs help too. We have to start some where.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
