Rob #8 - Never Losin' Sight

[Rob1231]

Hi SD, Thanks for stopping by. I agree, the stars aligning like that was pretty bizarre. I guess I see two lessons I should learn. First, that I can relax and believe we're back on track with the M, right down to doing some good stuff that I hoped we would be doing a year ago before the bomb. Second, that I can encounter the OM (even if just for two seconds) and come away strong and happy as ever.

W and I move forward in little baby steps, then back off, then forward. Getting there in inches rather than in leaps and bounds. W is now much more up-front about telling me when I backslide, and also more up-front about acknowledging my progress. I try to do the same, but without pushing or pressure. As long as I see gradual progress, I am content to rely once again on my old friends Time and Patience. They got me this far!

And, nope, we're not in MC. I do think we'll get there someday, but I need W to be ready for this, and I know she isn't yet. What's the rule - one month of DBing for every year of M? In that case, I'm just over halfway there.

Do I think I will ever talk to W about OM? Not directly, unless we do go into counseling, or unless W grows a bit first. She tends to hold onto old hurts way too much, and I don't think we could have that talk without losing more ground than we gained from it. The closest I foresee would be very indirect discussions like "Tell me more about what you were missing from our M, so we can keep making it better."

Side note: W's also still a little puzzled and curious about my DBing friends. Just this weekend, she's seen me get calls from both Scott and Rainbow. Gets a really "not sure what to think about this" look on her face. I've told her they are people I've met here, usually referring to them as "friends from Memphis" and not saying much more - let there be a little mystery about this, I think.

[SDFoundGirl]

Mystery is good as long as it's not a pawn in a game, KWIM? Don't think you'd do that, but there are others who would.

H doesn't know the specific site/strategy, but he does know I have a support group on the web that helped me tremendously. I never, never open this page when he's around and I always clear my history. I need this to be my place...especially since piecing seems to turn us into aliens ourselves. I think we need a place to process our thoughts and feelings.

I hear you about W and the A. H is still funky about LW. He always seems to be surprised when/if I make mention of her. Like, he's thinking about leaving his job, and he asked me what I thought. I told him what I thought (he should, for reasons more than LW), but that I was hesitant to respond because I had ulterior motives. He asked, "What?" I think I looked at him like he was stupid...because LW is with me every day. But I guess it's good he couldn't figure it out b/c maybe then the b!tch isn't a part of his thinking? I don't know....

But anyway, I admire you for your patience and awareness. It's hard for me; I'm a very, very strong woman, very strong personality (a gift from my mother), so I have a hard time not laying it all out on the table, ready or not.

You rock.

SD

[Rob1231]

Mystery is good as long as it's not a pawn in a game, KWIM? Don't think you'd do that, but there are others who would.

H doesn't know the specific site/strategy, but he does know I have a support group on the web that helped me tremendously. I never, never open this page when he's around and I always clear my history. I need this to be my place...especially since piecing seems to turn us into aliens ourselves. I think we need a place to process our thoughts and feelings.

Nah, no games. It's mostly like you say yourself - mystery born of the necessity of keeping this place private.

I hear you about W and the A. H is still funky about LW. He always seems to be surprised when/if I make mention of her. Like, he's thinking about leaving his job, and he asked me what I thought. I told him what I thought (he should, for reasons more than LW), but that I was hesitant to respond because I had ulterior motives. He asked, "What?" I think I looked at him like he was stupid...because LW is with me every day. But I guess it's good he couldn't figure it out b/c maybe then the b!tch isn't a part of his thinking? I don't know....

My guess about both of our spouses is that they don't spend much time on the OP. In W's case, I'll bet that she shuts him out as much as possible - a bad mistake she does not want to be reminded of. As far as your H's reaction - based on other stuff you've said, I would guess it's probably a case of lingering guilt over past screw ups that he's never forgiven himself for. Easiest for him to "act as if" he never even notices she's there in the office with him. Give him credit for trying to get out of there, that's a big move.

But anyway, I admire you for your patience and awareness. It's hard for me; I'm a very, very strong woman, very strong personality (a gift from my mother), so I have a hard time not laying it all out on the table, ready or not.

I kinda guessed you were a strong woman somehow. But thanks. As I say, it ain't always much fun being Mr. Patience, but it's worked for me so far.

You rock.

SD

You rock, too, SD - no question at all. YOU ROCK.

[cliffy]

Rob, I hadn't checked up on your progress for quite some time now. I needed a little inspiration tonight so I popped back over. I am glad you are still inching forward and realize the mistakes, or rut times as they come.
Keep on keeping on!

[SDFoundGirl]

You've been quiet Rob...is everything okay? Hopefully you're just living your super-fabulous fantasy life! Just checking in...

SD

[Rob1231]

Hi SD, Geez, you're very perceptive! Well, things have backslid a bit for me - W actually "re-bombed" me a couple of days ago. As in saying, I know you think things are going OK now, but they're not. I still feel pretty much the same way I did a year ago. Ugh.

Now, I honestly think that statement sounded much more dire than the sitch really is - the message seems to be, after a long R talk, that she thinks I have backslid and did not reach the lofty goal she had in her mind that would make me "attractive to her" again. (Never mind how great we were doing not long ago.) Lots of dumping the problems all on my head again, etc.

And I certainly have seen that she has withdrawn, inch by inch, over the last couple of months - but I attributed that to other stuff. A large part of that, I know, has been that W's work has been stressful and unfulfilling lately, and that's stirring up some of the ol' MLC feelings again. But, it would be simplistic and foolish of me to believe that was the only thing going on with her.

So, hell, that was a nice unexpected punch in the guts. I'm not in the depths of panic and despair - I'm hoping I've grown too much faith in myself and in the DBing process to sink that far. I'm really still processing this. While I do that, I'm focusing on cranking up the PMA again, concentrating on my GAL stuff, no R talks - in other words, back to the drawing board for a while.

To quote my friend Jules, SH*TF*CK!

[Jeff223]

Back on the horse my friend. No one said piecing is easy. You are communicating and that is a plus. I am still pulling for you.

Can her preception of a backslide be related to you ending school? That is a major change for you both.

Keep us posted.

Strength and Honor.

[Jen_Jam]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Rob - I have nothing useful to add right now, just to say I'm so sorry to read this. I'm glad to see you're ont panicing. I got 2 bombs as well - after my first one in Spet 05 I did the begging, pleading, suicide thoughts etc etc.
After the 2nd one in April 06 I then found the DB book.

Just to say 2 bombs doesn't mean the end.

Will be back as soon as I can some up with something useful ... in the meantime if you feel up to it how about sharing a little more?

[Rob1231]

Can her preception of a backslide be related to you ending school? That is a major change for you both.

Yes, absolutely. She's asking, So, you don't like your job - why aren't you moving somewhere else now that school is wrapped up?

My answer is: I AM planning to change careers, but being the analytical type I am, I'm working on figuring out what I want to do instead.

In her mind, that's just me being stagnant and not strong enough to pull the trigger. She's not entirely wrong - it IS scary - but she's also not entirely right. I will get there, in my own way and my own time.

Thanks for checking in!

[Rob1231]

Thanks Jen. I know 2 bombs don't mean the end - and this one doesn't feel "final", it feels like "a serious warning" if that makes sense.

Gonna go for a long bike ride now - gotta GAL and PMA and all that other fun DB 101 stuff. If I don't post for a while, don't panic - I'm just climbing back on that horse, as Jeff said.