He did all that right after you called him? Made a chore chart and everything?
Yes Amy, he did this all right after I called him. He must has sat this afternoon at work and figured this stuff out. He made the chart and everything. I am so impressed with him.
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So remind me again why he hasn't come home? That sounds like a mom and dad working together for the good of the kids. How come he doesn't just do that from home?
He hasn't come home because he wants his space. He likes being able to live his own life. He has never been on his own so this is his chance. He needs to get this out of his system. Now you know why I hang in there. He still has concerns for us and helps me out whenever I need it especially with the kids. We do work together well now. I will take what I can get. We work so well together that he stayed at the house with the pets when the kids and I went on vacation.
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And we REALLY need any kind of positive role models on here, so please stop feeling guilty about good things happening in your life and hang around. Shoot, I'd hope you'd hang around even if your marriage was 100% back on track and everything was 100% dandy! I know I will hang around when that happens for me.
Unfortunately, you all are probably stuck with me for a long time. Through good or bad I will be here. You all have shown me through my guilt stages that I am needed.
I haven't heard from him yet but I do know he talked with them. My youngest called to tell me that she didn't go with him. Evidentally, he would not take her to the store to get the game she wanted either.
Yes Amy, he did this all right after I called him. He must has sat this afternoon at work and figured this stuff out. He made the chart and everything. I am so impressed with him.
T2- can you e-mail me? My e-mail is sarahgreen2@yahoo.com....if you don't mind I just want to get some background of your situation? It seems to be a little like mine and I wonder if your stich started like mine and then your H came around. Right now it seems so hopeless to me...but i want to be like you!! I know I am crazy yes I agree I am....
Ok Jazz....let me see if I can answer your questions and keep it short.
After 2 years? You don't ever think about how long this might go on?
I would be lying if I said I didn't ever think about it. I think about it every day. I just don't dwell on it or let it run my life. I have been married 18 years and 15 of them were great. So, do I give up all of this just for a couple of years? Hell no!!! It took time to for my H to get up enough nerve to leave so it may take some time for him to get up the nerve to come home. He has never been on his own and I know that is what he is doing now.
He isn't out there bar hopping or going out with other women so why should I complain? It could be worse. My marriage means so much to me that I will give him the space and time he needs.
I keep myself going with all the little positives. When he left, he got angry and talked about divorce and lawyers all the time. After awhile, he stopped talking about it as much. Now he hasn't mentioned it in over a year. Why bring it up and cause problems? We get along and that is the first step in getting the relationship back. We have to learn to be friends again and then get the trust back and go from there. It won't happen over night. We have had birthday dinners out as a family so I consider that a start.
We still celebrate all holidays together and actually exchange gifts for birthdays, christmas, etc... He even spent $150 on a ring for me from the kids for Mothers Day. Does this sound like someone ready to give up? Time and patience is all it takes. This is why I try to stress to everyone that you just need to let go and live in the present. You can't think about the future.
What do you think would happen if you did bring it up?
Probably the same thing that has happened in the past when I would bring it up. He always says that we are over. That we should get a divorce. We end up fussing on the phone while I cry and gag and heave until I throw up. That isn't fun so I don't mention anymore.
When I used to bring it up and he would mention a lawyer, he always said I talked him out of it. How can I talk someone out of somemthing they wanted? If he wanted a divorce, he would have filed by now. He wouldn't have stayed here while the girls and I went to the beach. He wouldn't have put the storm door in for me. He wouldn't have helped me out with the girls and their "chore chart".
When I call him, he will talk to me every time. In the beginning if I called him, he would ignore my calls. Now when I call him, he calls me back as soon as he gets the message. He has a picture of all of us in his living room right beside a picture of him and I. If he didn't care, that picture would not be there for all to see.
He coaches a high school volleyball team. I have been to some of his games. If he didn't want me around him or out of his life wouldnt he have told me not to come? He actually thanked me for coming.
Now, I have learned not to bring up anything to do with us and let things be. I find it easier not to bring up the stuff. If you live one day at a time and not think of the future it makes life easier. Why put ourselves through the torture of asking them questions when we know their answer. They may tell us one thing but be thinking another.
When my H and I would talk about us and get into little arguments by the next day he would act like nothing happend and we never had the conversation. He asks me why I can't just let things be the way they are right now. He is not ready to come home. I don't want him home until he is ready because I can't go through this again. He is not ready to talk about us so I don't ask. When I ask him things by email and he doesn't answer, it is because he doesn't know how to answer. He won't answer and that is my way of knowing the answer is usually no if I ask for a favor. This way he doesn't have to come out and say no and hurt my feelings.
Do you understand why I hang on now? Now you know why I say don't give up. If I gave up tomorrow, what if he came to me in a week and says he is ready to come home but I had already set my mind to not wanting him home? My friend told me that I would know when to give up. She said I will feel it in my heart. I don't feel it yet. I won't give up. If I have to live like this for the next 10 years then I will.
I am not looking for a man or anything so why do I have to get closure with H right now? If I do meet someone and things change then I will take the next step. Right now, I don't want to. I hope this helps explain things to you.
We have talked about this stuff before. It is hard to explain. He just wants his freedom right now. He has never been on his own. He went from his mom to me. Now he is able to do what he wants when he wants without having to either tell someone or ask if we had plans.
He needs this. As I have said in the past, it has been good for both of us. I have learned to do so much without having to rely on him. I can even change a light fixture myself (not just the lightbulb, the whole thing). I can change an air filter in a lawn mower. I even learned how to use a chain saw. All of these things I relied on him for.
It is all a part of growing up. You have to give a little to get back in return. I choose to give him his freedom. I choose to let him live this way. If I fussed and complained, he would be long gone. He has to see I am not here to control him like I did in the past. He has to WANT to come home or be with me.
As I have said before, we don't discuss much about us. It works better that way. I would rather have him like this than not at all. If I pressure him or try to discuss too much with him, it will chase him away. He has to come to me when he is ready. If I don't talk to him for a few days, he will call me with something stupid to ask. This is his way of the communication continuing.
When a person is in MLC as he is, you can't ask too many questions. They have to find their way out themselves. You can't keep asking things or it puts them furter back.
