Sashaying thru Seperation V

[mcojh]

Thanks guys. Hubby I am staying busy with a million things. The hardest part lately is that some of the stuff I am keeping busy with is stuff we used to do together. I find myself lamenting what could have been. Lately I have started to believe some of her BS that I am at fault for this. She talks like she did everything that she could.

It is so hard not to pursue. I want to woo her and show her how caring etc I can be. She really reacts positively to the little things I do for her. Last night we snuck supper to her place again and she called right away to thank me and tell me she was disappointed that she ate at work because she was there till 8pm. (supper was a grilled hawaiian chicken with provalone cheese and baked tater)

Smiling and waving.

[Dr LOve]

Mc

I know what you mean.My son and I have been doing all sorts of things to keep busy. The only thing missing sometimes is the W. I wish she could be ther also.
Like you I am hoping soon the tide will change and she will be right along side me.

Stay strong. at least we are not going backwards. (today)

Husband

[nextsteps_4us]

I know what you mean.. It hurts to know my kids are going to have a life seperate from me.

My wife took my kids to a friends house the other night, and she was telling me how cute they were, and what hambones they were, etc. These are friends that are mainly her friends, and while I know them, i would never go over to their house now that my wife and I are seperating. So it hurt to think about, and I told my wife that it hurt to know that my kids would have a seperate life from me, and in the same manner they would have a seperate life from her. She got a little teary-eyed thinking about it.

And it just hit me how devastating divorce is for kids. They will have two seperate lives. Its one thing to take the kids somewhere without your spouse. Its totally different when it becomes a mandatory way of handling the children.

So.. I feel for you guys, and I guess thats why i stay strong, and keep fighting. Because I am part of a FAMILY. And while i may find some woman that may be able to make me happier, my family could never be happier split up. And my life is 90% family, 10% me. So the equation is simple. Make my family happier and my life will be happier.

Unfortunately, my wife doesn't see it that way.

[mcojh]

A little confusion. CW and I went out tonite for a beer. I had mentioned it last nite, when I dropped the kids off. This afternoon when I brought it up again, she wanted to go out for a beer.

We went out and were talking about this or that, nothing R related. At one point she brought up something and made the comment, "I don't want this to turn adversarial between us." She also brought up how she didn't plan to go back to our church. Last week, more than one person ignored her when she said hi, etc. I guess I cannot blame her. She then said something about everyone feeling sorry for me. That is the last thing I want.

One minute we are talking etc, and the next she makes a "there will ne no us" comment. WTH. She wants to be around me, and then says that stuff. It is so hard not to react.

Anyway, last week, I asked her if she wanted to go to a charity concert with me. Right away she agreed to. We talked avout it today and she seems excited to go. WTH.

When I dropped her off, she told me, "You don't have to get out." Does that mean she wants me to or not? She says it in such a way that confuses me.

Smiling and waving.

[mcojh]

A little confusion. CW and I went out tonite for a beer. I had mentioned it last nite, when I dropped the kids off. This afternoon when I brought it up again, she wanted to go out for a beer.

We went out and were talking about this or that, nothing R related. At one point she brought up something and made the comment, "I don't want this to turn adversarial between us." She also brought up how she didn't plan to go back to our church. Last week, more than one person ignored her when she said hi, etc. I guess I cannot blame her. She then said something about everyone feeling sorry for me. That is the last thing I want.

One minute we are talking etc, and the next she makes a "there will ne no us" comment. WTH. She wants to be around me, and then says that stuff. It is so hard not to react.

Anyway, last week, I asked her if she wanted to go to a charity concert with me. Right away she agreed to. We talked avout it today and she seems excited to go. WTH.

When I dropped her off, she told me, "You don't have to get out." Does that mean she wants me to or not? She says it in such a way that confuses me.

Smiling and waving.

[theoden]

MC,

Let's dissect this:

A little confusion. CW and I went out tonite for a beer. I had mentioned it last nite, when I dropped the kids off. This afternoon when I brought it up again, she wanted to go out for a beer.

She wanted to go out for a beer with you. Good thing.

We went out and were talking about this or that, nothing R related. At one point she brought up something and made the comment, "I don't want this to turn adversarial between us."

What was the point she didn't want to turn adverserial? In general you are not adverserial. Smile and wave.

She also brought up how she didn't plan to go back to our church. Last week, more than one person ignored her when she said hi, etc. I guess I cannot blame her.

Well that's OK. If the people in your church can only "shun" her and your FIL is hell-bent on making himself feel self-righteous by publicly shaming your daughter, I can understand why she wouldn't want to go. Either way, you can understand and support her decision. That's not adverserial.

She then said something about everyone feeling sorry for me. That is the last thing I want.

Well MC, you can't stop that from happening. You can continue to live your life well, with adventure and fun. People will see your infectious joy and start to feel sorry for CW. Feeling sorry also means there might be love and concern under there. It's OK for them to hurt for you.

One minute we are talking etc, and the next she makes a "there will ne no us" comment.

What EXACTLY was the "there will be no us" comment? What was the context?

And...don't believe what she says. She's having a good time with you. You are friends. And friends become lovers, don't they.

WTH. She wants to be around me, and then says that stuff. It is so hard not to react

.

That's why you are here. React here, not in front of her. In fact, her giving you verbal darts are a "test" of your clarity of purpose. Do you fall apart every time she makes some discouraging statement? In the Way of the Superior Man, the remedy for that is to side-step the intensity of the conversation and shock her with your unshakable alpha-male-ness.
Tell her, by the way, you look lovely tonight -- real hot.

This happened once to me while were were at the bar waiting to be seated at our dinner table. She was going on about how I'm judging her, and we were clearly disagreeing. The tension was building -- this was going nowhere. When we sat down, I said, "Wow you really look hot tonight." She blushes from ear-to-ear and had a big smile. After that, we has a lovely evening.

Anyway, last week, I asked her if she wanted to go to a charity concert with me. Right away she agreed to. We talked avout it today and she seems excited to go. WTH.

Yes...she wants to go out with you. We all vote with our feet. What is she DOING? She can blab all she wants about there is "no us", but it seems that y'all (plural) are DOING lots fun things TOGETHER. I don't mean this in a chauvinistic, way, but perhaps you might buy a mute button for CW ;-)

When I dropped her off, she told me, "You don't have to get out." Does that mean she wants me to or not? She says it in such a way that confuses me.

My guess is that it's a juevenile way of saying, "I have no expectations of you. You won't/can't hurt my feelings if you don't step out and open the door for me." Pure passive-agressive bullshit. I think it means she wants you to.

Actually, who cares what she wants? Do you, Mr. Alpha Male, want to escort her to the door, as any gentleman would? She shouldn't be controlling your behavior, remember? It's another test of your resolve and clarity of your mission in life. Read Daeda's points about the female "energy" constantly testing the male' resolve. Get out of the car, and walk her to the door, because THAT's WHO YOU ARE. Plain and simple. Say who you are, LOUDLY, say it mostly by your actions. IF she can push you away by a simple passive/aggressive fog-induced statement, then how will you ever be the solid rock to anchor her? Like you said on the phone, do what you do, because it's WHO YOU ARE.

All in all you did fine.

Bravo.

--Theoden

[mcojh]

Theo-
The adversarial comment was kind of out of the blue. She was talking about the church stuff and how people react to us. As far as the "there is no us" stuff, it isn't a specific statement, but more it is all future statements she makes involve us as seperate. I almost see it as her actions show a future for us and her words don't.

I called her at work today about a bball team part tonight. She had offered to make a snack. I called to be sure that she was OK with that. We ended up talking for about 10 minutes joking around etc. Crazy

Smile and Wave.

[theoden]

MC,

Then it's not adverserial.

Ok..so her future statements are very "me" centered. That's OK. Right now, all your future statements can honestly be "me" centered.

You over analyzed the sitch.

You did great. Good work. Not a single bad interaction.

--Theoden

[frank_D]

I dunno, I keep saying you should try not seeing her for a week. Come up with some reasons and just don't see or talk to her.

Let her miss you. If she gets mad, so be it. Tell her that because she's been telling you that there's no future with you an d her that YOU are taking some time to get used to not being with her.

[mcojh]

Thanks for the input Frank. The best I have been able to muster is 5 days....okay, 4 1/2. When I did that, two things happened. She started to pursue, calling more and stopping over. When I backed way off pre-seperation, she took that to mean that I didn't want to work on our R. As our M deteriorated, pre-A, one of the things that I slowly quit doing was treating her special. I used to always call her at least once a day and for some reason quit. I treated her like a roommate. I took her for granted. She has brought this up several times.

Today for instance, I called her out of the blue. She was actually happy to talk. Using the cheeseless tunnel theory, shouldn't I keep building the bond?

I think my problem yesterday was I set expectations way too high. I expect results to be deffinable and tangible. I think I was feeling really sorry for myself.