So, i made a lease offer on a house today. I should hear back from the owner to see if it all works out, and i'll have a place to move into. This has been a long hard road, and this has been a very difficult decision, but after talking to my wife last night I am more at ease with it, i realize that i can't change her mind, and if i'm going to be happy and move forward i need my own place.
Basically we chatted about us and our past, and there was a lot of good, and some bad, and simply we both are to blame for what happened in our closeness.
Unfortunately instead of working things out, my wife turned her love towards someone else. Basically she is running to someone new that she feels happy with. She takes the blame for putting herself in a postition to do this to our family, but she is unapologetic in continuing the affair/relationship, and moving forward with splitting the family up. Its like she is saying - "i shouldn't have done it, but now that its done, i really am happy with him so, i'm not sorry i did it"
I take the blame that she was even vulnerable to an affair. I simply got caught up in life, and became comfortable in our relationship. David Cunningham defines this as becoming "unnattractive". And talking to my wife, she pretty much came out and told me the things that in the last few years were unnatrractive to her. She also apologized for acting badly towards me, when at those times she can now tell I needed her support the most, and all she ended up doing was pushing me away.
Whats sad, funny, disturbing is that she says "now i know what not to do in the future." - meaning this new guy, this guy the flirted with, and made himself available to my wife when she was the most unhappy will get the benefit of her new 'kinder, gentler' self.
So.. i don't know whats left for my wife and I. She is crazy about this new guy. She is fairly upfront to me, and others saying she wants a relationship with him. Apparently this is fairly standard for a lot of people on these boards, so all I can do is sit back and be my attractive self, and see what happens. Whenever I think that maybe she found someone wonderful and its over for us, i realize that everyone unfaithful spouse feels the same way, and 80% of those affair relationships end.
Unfortunately he lives 3 hours away, so the long distance ideal of him can live on for some time, i've read that the inlove feeling for a long distance relationship can live on much longer. (it seems like everything is stacked against me) From what I know about my wife is unless something major happens in their relationship, or a miracle happens and she starts questioning 'them', she won't be in a place to see me for who I am.
I know my situation is not unique, as many others on this board have said the same thing. Their spouses give up, say its too late, and move on. What i realized is everything is simple 'attraction'. The hurt is gone in my relationship with my wife, she simply is attracted/infatuated with someone else.
I'm regaining my confidence, I'm getting my footing, and i'm no longer pursuing my wife. And with my new place, i will have my independence. I haven't tried to convince her to stay or work on us in a while. I am still 'friendly' towards her, but thats it. - no logic, no reasoning, no trying to 'get her back'. She will make that decision on her own - if and only if the following 3 things happen.
Step 1 I am happy with myself, am productive, and continue to improve myself. Basically I become Attractive again. Step 2 A miracle happens. Either my wifes relationship ends, or she wakes up to something. Step 3 Hopefully i'm still in a place to forgive, and work on us. The longer this goes on the harder it is to imagine this.
