D Busted...Now Back Here

[OneWish]

- She breaks things, has huge tantrums when she is upset. Last time she went right for the divorce and filed pretty quickly too. It's like she HAS to find a way to control a man. By fear and intimidation.
- She is incredibly insecure. Previously she had just gone through his e-mail, now she's searching the car and having her brother look at the computer? WTF?
- She is codependent in her attachment to her daughter. My W's Brother's XW was the same way. In his case she exhibited psychotic behavior whenever the kids went with him for visitation.
- She seems to always find things 'wrong' with OneWish.
- They ONLY hang around her family or her friends. OneWish has attempted to make friends with another couple but she 'doesn't like them' and doesn't want to even try to get to know them. She seems to fear change, strangers and not being in control.

Thanks Frank. She does go off and exhibit these behaviors and is quick to blame me for everything. I do admit, that I have made mistakes to upset her. She would get upset and hit below the belt and try to say things to hurt me. When we were together, in January, I believe, she brought up that she will divorce me. I was pissed and responded that I really don’t care and that a D wasn’t going to scare me. She quickly ceased any talk of it. She did tell me that she doesn’t want a separation or D to ever be brought up or considered. She said that she loves me and wants us to always work things out. She said that she was miserable being without D3 and that she could not stand being without her. She said that if something ever happened to D3, she would not want to live any more. She did tell me that in the past, when we were dating that she had thoughts of suicide. She stated that she did tell her mom this because her mom was trying to talk her out of a D last year. She was trying to convince her mom that I was making her miserable. I always tried to tell her that we are responsible for our own actions. If she breaks something, that is on her. I didn’t make her do anything. She chose to do that.

With regards to her searching through my e-mails. She may still have copies of the old e-mail from my female friend at school to help fuel her anger towards me. To continue to blame me for everything. That is the past, we got through that with Retrouvaille and she agreed to leave the past in the past as suggested at Retrouvaille. She agreed to start all over and re-build our relationship. However, she struggled with this by throwing things in my face about how the counselor agreed with her that it will take time to trust. The counselor said this and that.

I have to admit that I was going through some sort of depression cycle. As some of you know, my cousin was killed in Iraq, April 2006. He came back home in February 2006 and wanted to see me. But I was depressed and not in the mood to leave the state. We did communicate a lot through the e-mail and then I found out that he was killed. I had so much guilt for not seeing him. After I got back with my W, I would sit there on the computer and just read about him and cry. My W would comfort me. The after going through 6 months of heartache I wasn’t feeling like myself. My life had changed so much. I got rid of all of my friends and I was cautious about everything that I did. I didn’t want to upset my W. In February 2007, I started to get angry for everything that I went through and my W apologized for filing and said that she loved me and we will never go through this again. Basically, my self-esteem was VERY low and I felt like I could not do anything right. I would always hear about what I didn’t do right. I would express myself only to hear her tell me how she sees things. I just wanted an ear, not a solution.

Frank you are right. She does fear strangers. When I told her that I worked with my friend’s wife, she was afraid, asking where does she sit, do you two communicate, etc. She then finally met her and she didn’t say much. My W was bowling with my friend and I and didn’t say much to his W. My W has a HUGE family and she is close to her sister-in-laws and mom. She always told me that she gave up her friends and wants me to do the same thing.

I also suggested that when she says that she misses their D3 so much when she isn't with her, I would respond with "I understand. I would prefer we stay together and we work on BOTH of our issues so we can be a family but you've decided that isn't going to happen, so this is the result."

Good Point Frank. I will state this every opportunity that I have.

In fact, I suggested that WHENEVER she whines about anything that 'sucks' he always let her know that he agrees with her, he prefers that this not be the case, and that this is the result of her choices." I think that she has been able to manipulate him with guilt and threats.

Frank!

You hit the POINT with that comment. She is a Master at making me feel guilty and manipulating me. She blames me for everything. This caused me to feel so bad for where we are. This caused me to feel worthless. She doesn't take any blame for anything. When I upset her, she always wanted an apology. I would apologize. When she upset me I would ask for an apology and she would refuse and be stubborn.

Also, in my opinion the several months or reconciliation were months where HE put in the effort, and she benefited. It seems like none of her core issues were addressed - he just basically "toed the line" and she was happy again.

This is true. I put in so much effort in counseling, the board, and trying different things with her only to be rejected. She didn’t see any role in our issues. She always said they were my issues. She made it a point to tell me that she was never this way until she met me. She said that I made her like this.