When OneWish and I spoke last night I kept hearing the same 'themes' from her that I heard before but didn't register with me.
- She breaks things, has huge tantrums when she is upset. Last time she went right for the divorce and filed pretty quickly too. It's like she HAS to find a way to control a man. By fear and intimidation. - She is incredibly insecure. Previously she had just gone through his e-mail, now she's searching the car and having her brother look at the computer? WTF? - She is codependent in her attachment to her daughter. My W's Brother's XW was the same way. In his case she exhibited psychotic behavior whenever the kids went with him for visitation. - She seems to always find things 'wrong' with OneWish. - They ONLY hang around her family or her friends. OneWish has attempted to make friends with another couple but she 'doesn't like them' and doesn't want to even try to get to know them. She seems to fear change, strangers and not being in control.
I agree that having any kind of one-on-one thing with any woman, like the lunch he had, is simply not going to work in his relationship. It should be a group or not at all. Bad move.
Leaving the house and moving out. Bad idea because it diminishes you as a man in her eyes, which are already eyes showing lot's of disrespect.
Allowing the searches of the car, the cell phone, etc. - I would have allowed it once, and maybe even encouraged it. BUT then I would have said "now that you see I'm only interested in YOU, we will not do this again." She needs to respect him.
I also suggested that when she says that she misses their D3 so much when she isn't with her, I would respond with "I understand. I would prefer we stay together and we work on BOTH of our issues so we can be a family but you've decided that isn't going to happen, so this is the result."
In fact, I suggested that WHENEVER she whines about anything that 'sucks' he always let her know that he agrees with her, he prefers that this not be the case, and that this is the result of her choices." I think that she has been able to manipulate him with guilt and threats.
Also, in my opinion the several months or reconciliation were months where HE put in the effort, and she benefited. It seems like none of her core issues were addressed - he just basically "toed the line" and she was happy again.
She didn't have to take responsibility for her contributions towards breaking the relationship.
As far as the Circus, I said they SHOULD go, put D3 between them and have fun, be excited for HER sake. Afterwards, take them home or whatever ad do not linger unless it's to spend time with D3. Let W have a nice time and see what she is throwing away.
W is also 'telling' him how visitation will work. When he tells her he wants more she says 'too bad'. My response is that he needs to look at the situation, come up with a plan that suits him and takes her needs into account and give it to her in written form. Don't debate it with her, just tell her to review and if she has feed back to respond IN WRITING.
I believe that his attempts at not creating conflict are feeding her need to control him. He's giving up time with his D3 in order to avoid an argument? This needs to end. It only leads to more disrespect. I'm not saying be belligerent or or confrontational. Only to be sure that you aren't giving up things that will be harder to reclaim later. Remember, giving her 'control' is 'power' to her and she relishes it.
OneWish also signed some kind of document related to her buying a house on her own. He did it to be accommodating to her. BUT he couldn't tell me WHAT it was for. I suggested that he NOT sign ANYTHING ever again without knowing what it is exactly and sitting on it for at least 24 hours. No matter what.
I believe that OneWish could 'DB' his way back into this relationship if he 'got in line' again. However, I believe that it will just repeat itself again. I think that now is the time to simply put up no resistance to her 'I want a divorce' and let her deal with the consequences of her decisions. Go 'gray', make a REAL visitation agreement that does NOT give her whatever she wants. When responding to her whining, be very clear that this is not what YOU want, but what SHE is making happen.
I think there is no 'getting back together' until she decides to face her OWN stuff, or even admit she HAS problems.
Lovingly detach, with a pinch of tough love seems like the best course right now.
