"4) Babysteps, tell him if he comes home early and puts the kids to bed for you he'll get sex, if he doesn't he won't. On the nights he does this, make yourself scarce, go to the gym or if you're too tired for that have a sauna or a massage or get your nails done - whatever. Come back when the kids are tucked up and initiate sex. You have to get out of the house otherwise you will just use the time to do chores or end up getting roped in when the kids kick up a fuss.
Make sure it is a total Action/Reward loop so he knows if he does the action he gets the reward - no ifs or buts. On those days keep him excited by sending him sexy little text messages with things like "looking forward to tonight...." etc. This helps keep him focused on getting his work out the way and fulfilling his side of the bargain."
No No No No.....
Do not under any circumstances do this.
Do I think he needs to cut down on his hours and lend a hand? Sure.
But, going down this road is a road to ruin. Setting up your sex life as a barter/reward system will fail miserably for both you and your H. This will not lead to true intimacy but will instead insure that both of you will continue to build up a huge pile of resentment for each other and that is the real relationship killer.
Well, speaking as someone with a very sh!tty attitude today myself, I would say that attitude in general has a lot to do with desire. I don't particularly desire my H recently and it is showing, no sex for weeks. He seems to be on the same wavelength. Getting along fine but no desire at all between us.
You can't tell me Cemar that you do not see how your attitude is affecting the desire BETWEEN your W and yourself. Desire is a two-way street in a M. I'm sure your W senses your crappy attitude and it is turning her off. I speak from experience here Cemar. I am HD. But I still have no desire for sex with H lately. It doesn't mean I'm not horny. I am. But I'm not in any mood to use him to get off. I know you don't like that either. You want "sexual fulfillment". Who doesn't. But the R between the two people has to be solid for that to happen. We are far from that Cemar. Are you really lacking this much insight?
You want "sexual fulfillment". Who doesn't. But the R between the two people has to be solid for that to happen. We are far from that Cemar.
That is the catch-22. How do you achieve a rock solid relationship WITHOUT complete sexual fulfillment? And what exactly would the women in this "rock solid" relationship actually be contributing to the relationship?
You're right Cemar. It is hopeless. Not possible. Catch-22 as you say. Can't have one without the other. But can't figure out how to get there. So you get stuck on the gerbil wheel spinning round and round. Might as well jump off...or just keep spinning. Jumping off is scary, spinning is at least "what you know". So keep on spinning Cemar. I know you will. (And yes, I am ignoring your actual questions because I know you are not really looking for an answer).
How do you achieve a rock solid relationship WITHOUT complete sexual fulfillment?
The phrase "complete sexual fulfillment" reminds me of the phrase "turkey dinner with all the trimmings". You just ain't gonna get it every day of the week and if you did you wouldn't appreciate it. The best chefs are really artists of hunger (take with grain of salt from 'open all night buffet' girl (sigh))
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think if two people love eachother enough anything is possible, each of you has to be willing to give a little. Sex is not the only thing in a R, there are much much more things that we have to have going besides that or what kind of relationship would we really have??
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I think I am an understanding person and I do except a lot of stuff that goes on here, but everyone has a limit to what they can take at a certain point.
Just out of curiosity, are you a perfectionist when it comes to your house? Or would you describe yourself more along the lines of you like things tidy?
Quote:
We are going away for the first time in 5 years on Saturday to a rush concert. My mom is staying with the kids over night so I hope this will be good for us because I really don't know if he truly wants to be with me anymore or if its just a "job".
Be very careful of that type of projection. If he is starting up a new business, and he wanted to leave you, he'd leave you before starting up the new business... as you are entitled to half of it. Don't think he wants to work his tail off, only to leave you and have you take half of what he just worked so hard to put in place.
I'd say that both of you are tired and stressed and stretched to your limit. One of the things the NOPs did was to schedule sex. Your H might be open to it??? It doesn't sound very sexy... but it sure does help with the mental frame of mind. And the days you know you have sex scheduled, you can do what you can to put yourself in the proper frame of mind, all day... and maybe not wear yourself out so much, so you aren't exhausted when you hit the bed. The sex may not be great right out of the gate, but it is a place to start... hopefully it will help with his 'mood,' and you can then start getting what you need.
No, it isn't fair that you have to be the one to do this... but you're the one here.
What I am trying to point out is how you ladies DISMISS the validity of the husbands needs. LFL says the relationmship must be rock solid BEFORE the mans needs can be addressed (from his view point, there would be very little to consider rock solid). You make the comment Sex is not the only thing in a R, there are much much more things that we have to have going besides that or what kind of relationship would we really have?? You just dismissed his needs as not really valid. You want all the other things to be the "important stuff" in effect, YOUR NEEDS.
Look at it this way, each of you has your #1 need. That is the one that actually COUNTS. That is the coursework that you must not fail at. All other needs are extra credit. It helps to do them, it brings your grade up, but if you fail the regular coursework (meaning #1 need), then you fail. You can meet those other needs all you want, but they don't matter if you fail at #1. (not my opinion, that is exactly what His Needs/Her Needs says).
I understand what you are saying Justlivin, but I think TAL needs to get this man's attention big time.
Like Corri said, maybe scheduling sex would help. If it is scheduled around the days she gets some time to unwind that can only be good.
Also I'm sure it helps if you are feeling LD to know there are some days when you can relax and not have to fend off any advances and equally for the HD one there are some days when you don't have to invest yourself in trying and getting rejected.
He is a workaholic just like my H. As you will see if you read here characteristics of workaholics it is related to having low self-esteem. No wonder they can go into some kind of meltdown when kids come along and the W's focus comes off them. It kind of explains why they throw themselves into work. Work is universally regarded in our culture as "a good thing" therefore you have an excuse to focus on it and you can get concrete positive feedback in the form of $$
Hard, hard, hard for you to deal with when you are feeling so drained. Your kids will be better off in the long run in an intact family. If that means they have to do with out their mum from time to time while you concentrate on recharging your batteries to have enough left over for your H than that is what you have to do. There is only so much of you to go round TAL and it is easy to expect another adult just to get on with it while you take care of the kids, but your H does need your emotional support as much as you need his and he deserves to get it from time to time.
You are me 4 years ago when the kids were 4 and 20 months, that's when my H walked out. I hated him for being so freakin selfish. But I had to come around to understanding my own part. It's been a long hard road getting to where we are now.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Work is universally regarded in our culture as "a good thing" therefore you have an excuse to focus on it and you can get concrete positive feedback in the form of $$ Add in owing money for a guy that didn't like owing money for anything except for the house purchase. No, no car loans for me!
Then add, both the H and W want more things than one paycheck will buy. Solution, work more.
Ten, twenty years later get rid of all the extra things you bought by giving them away, garage sales, and making trip after trip to the donation store, all the time asking myself "why did work so much just to give all this stuff away?"
