Well here it is Tuesday morning and the roller coaster continues.
I picked her up from the airport very late Sunday night. She was exhausted from being up nearly 24 hours. Her attitude towards me was fairly cold and I suspect that was from being so tired but also her wanting to distance too. We really didn't speak much and once at the house she couldn't wait for me to leave. Then yesterday she was just as distant. I offered to cook dinner for her and the girls knowing she was still worn out. She accepted only because she didn't want to cook. I told her I'd be there about 6:45. Well I got there as planned and she was upset because she was "tired and hungry". WTF, I said I'd could be there by 6:45 and I was. Geez even when I do what I say I am wrong.
There was little to no conversation from her and she was somewhat disinterested in hearing about anything I had to say. I did tell her I met with my boss and he's trying to hook me up with a couple of opportunities he knows about. I think she only moderately cared. Funny, I get laid off on Friday and feel great about it and still feel like [censored] with this marriage and non-relationship. I did find out that she made several calls Friday to family and friends to rally the troops. I just didn't have it in me to call anyone. I just wanted to go and sit. So I guess somehow she does realize a little how hard this past year has been on me. How I am once again at rock bottom and trying to get back up.
You know what really made last night hard? The kids. Why, because they were in such good moods, laughing, actually eating everything. For them it was a Norman Rockwell dinner and if I remove my wife from the picture it really was. It was so great to see their smiles, hear their laughter and us just really enjoying being together at the dinner table. Maybe my wife will really think about how great all of that really was and can be.
I'm down at our beach house again to enjoy the sun and quiet. I'm actually feeling really good about the job situation and am researching a business idea I have. The quiet of the beach will be good to focus on that. To be honest, my heart wasn't in the job I had and I didn't completely believe in the business. That's not good when you are at a start up. Good news is I do have a couple of leads already plus my business idea, actually 2 of them.
As for my marriage and relationship with my wife. Well it seems all the good that has happened since Mother's Day is gone. I'm sad about that but resigned to the fact that it may not ever come back. She seems to far gone now. Why such a huge change, I have no idea. But for now I am just going to go and do things for me. My mind and heart are tired once again from all of this. I do not know if I can keep this up til Labor Day. I may go ahead and throw the towel in now. Being treated so coldly the last 2 days seems to speak volumes. Even at the worst times back during Christmas she was never even close to being that cold. Now she doesn't appear to have any positive feelings at all, just anger and maybe hate.
So for now off I go to take care of myself, worry about myself and dig deep, learn to be by myself and no longer worry about her or us.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
