I was wondering though... what is you take on this quote...
"If a spouse is wavering btwn responsibility & irresponsibility, confused or conflicted as to which path he should choose, he needs a strong excuse to do the right thing and can almost seem to be asking for motivation."
This is exactly where my husband is at... How do you think I can give him a excuse to do the right thing?? Might need to break it down for me a bit...sometimes my head it thick...lol
Great post tonight Still, I think you may have hit on something in your R. You are standing for your M, but to stand there has to be respect. I think many of us look at giving space, etc. and bottle a bunch in and lack on the boundaries. I know this is my case. You are setting them and demanding respect, this is excellent in my opinion. Now if I can take a play from this playbook, I may find a way to gain a little more.
Wow, still. Not that I think you needed them, but you seem to have found a whole new set of b@lls yesterday!
I think you are on the right track. You have tried other ways, being upbeat, helpful, accomodating, and all your H has done has continued w/ his anger and disrespect. No sense in doing more of the same if it isn't getting you anywhere. After you stood up for yourself yesterday, he was, all of a sudden, much friendlier in his next call. Hmmmmmm.
Dang, now you are going to make me go dig out that book again!
Sunshine, I reeaalllly don't feel comfortable offering advice on this one. I JUST read the book myself. It seems to call to me - for MY particular sitch - and I've decided to follow it for me. But I really don't know how it will go. For you - I know you're not that far post-bomb and have only 'really' started DBing (or doing it most correctly). Certainly, certainly, continue DBing. But this Tough Love - Very easy to morph into Tough Sh!t. The Control thing (my admitted issue) is a hard one to, well, control when we're getting into Respect. I believe we cannot MAKE someone respect us (as in change their mind if they don't WANT to respect us) but Tough Love calls for us to Respect Ourselves &, with the Crisis Confrontation, set that respect boundary around us as it relates to our Spouse. Very, very tricky. LOVING respect (as is LOVING Detachment) is so very important.
I'm not sure, really, whether this is warranted in your sitch (or warranted NOW) tho I'll try to pop on over & re-review later today when I'm back online. I know you're H has been all about needing re-assurances from you. He's NOT disrespecting you, tho (right?) & he doesn't have an OW (right?) - so what boundary are you wanting to set?
Anyway, this is better posted on your own thread, so - like I said, I'll check you out later.
Think about it.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Definately, more of the same was not getting me anywhere but more (& more open) disrespect from H. We'll see what happens next.
His 'much friendlier' phone call afterwards was his norm, tho. He EXPECTS that he is ENTITLED to TELL ME (Notice that nowhere was there a "Could I...?" or "Would you mind...?" in his car-borrowing convo.) how I could best accommodate him/his life. Yes, it's a Control Thing as well for him. But in his mind, there is no problem w/ -- 3 hrs after, uh, fussing w/me for an hr over a "My life is separate from yours" issue (kid-sharing) --he acts all friendly-like so that he gets what he wants from me.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Do you think it would do anything to call him on just that? Next time he gets all mushy, remind him of the venom and ask why the difference now? Would probably just bring him back to mad, though........
Could this idea be reversed? Remind him of the politeness when he starts to spew venom? I guess that goes back to hanging up if he can't talk to you respectfully.
Do you remember the scene when Tom Cruise keeps getting hung up on by the pimp in Risky Business? That's what I was thinking...
Board time has been scarce lately, but just wanted you to know i've just caught up with your thread from several days... and i really admire your straight thinking, your courage and strength! I'm thinking of you, and sending good thoughts your way that this is a new step in the right direction... it definitely seems to be for you, hope it will be for R as well!
LOL.