I know exactly where you are at. My H showed very similar behaviour when our kids were small. It sucks. Both of you are feeling worn to a shred and both are feeling unappreciated.
I am going to give you some quick fire advice so please don't be put off by the tone, I'm at work and I have to be quick. Here are some things to do:
1) Try and ramp up your appreciation levels towards him, when you start doing that you might start to feel some of it coming back to you. A good time to give positive vibes is post-sex. He will be feeling relaxed and less grumpy and take your compliments at face value. My H used to even take compliments the wrong way. Like I would say "I really appreciate how hard you work for us" and he would take that to mean "You better not stop".
2) You MUST get some childcare/babysitting, this is important for your sanity. I don't know how the finances go in your house, but we have always had a system of joint finances with little separate accounts to use as an allowance. When I was SAHM I used some of my "allowance money" to pay for a cleaner.
3) You MUST talk to him, shout at him, slam doors at him whatever it takes until you start getting through to him that neither of you has it easy right now, neither of you is the one working hard while the other one has a good time. You're in this together, it's a tough period in any couple's lives and if you both pull together you'll get through it - if you don't you won't.
4) Babysteps, tell him if he comes home early and puts the kids to bed for you he'll get sex, if he doesn't he won't. On the nights he does this, make yourself scarce, go to the gym or if you're too tired for that have a sauna or a massage or get your nails done - whatever. Come back when the kids are tucked up and initiate sex. You have to get out of the house otherwise you will just use the time to do chores or end up getting roped in when the kids kick up a fuss.
Make sure it is a total Action/Reward loop so he knows if he does the action he gets the reward - no ifs or buts. On those days keep him excited by sending him sexy little text messages with things like "looking forward to tonight...." etc. This helps keep him focused on getting his work out the way and fulfilling his side of the bargain.
5) Try and think of something else that you would prefer to the sex toys but is still a little kinky. One thing my ex-BF used to like was if we spread out porn magazines on the bed and I would lick the pictures like I was giving head to the girls. He found that really hot - and it was super-easy for me to do. He also liked toys and stuff, but I didn't. I said things like I preferred his hot throbbing c0ck to those pieces of plastic. In other words I talked really dirty about what HIS body meant to me and made the toys seem like garbage.
So when you have worked out something kinky to do make sure you are set up and ready, when he gets the toys out, say to him you've thought of something better.
And keep posting here, we're here to help and as you've already found out the board is pretty responsive so it's a great place to hang out when you need support.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
