Choc, It's a shame that an adult acts this way. Unfortunately, only a really, really cold dash of reality usually wakes this type up and I doubt there's much you can do until an LSA is created to get her out and let her "play the ....." but I know that you'll stand strong in this difficult time and show compassion. Love your kids, I'm sure they're really freaked out about the whole "mother acting like a lovesick, raving teenager) bit.
Choc, I've got to hand it to you, man, you're doing awesome! I know deep down it hurts like h*ll, but I'm glad you've found the strength and the steel balls to do the right things and stand up for yourself and your family. It blows my mind that she's doing this in front of your kids, but hopefully she'll realize what she's doing before too much damage is done. Hang in there!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Yes, it is VERY distressing that she is behaving like this in front of the kids. Even S14 and S10 notice how much "mommy is on her cellphone," and "why is Mommy always text-messaging?" While I have fully exposed to my two adult daughters (D20, D18), I have not told my sons anything other than "Mommy and Daddy are disagreeing about some things," etc., altho I have also sworn to myself that I will not lie to S14 if he asks me a direct question.
Right now, I'm about 90% sure he knows. He's a VERY bright kid.
One of three things can happen:
1) My wife can come to her senses, whether by an "epiphany" of sorts or by the pressures that I have brought to bear from multiple angles, and return to the marriage so we can begin the hard work of reconciliation and repair;
2) My wife can file for divorce;
3) Her behavior -- and clear proof thereof -- will reach a point where I will be forced to ask her to leave our home, and I will seek temporary custody of the boys if need be.
She has threatened #2, more than once. She is VERY close to #3. I'm still praying for #1, by whatever means necessary.
That is exactly what she's wanted to happen, LfL. From that first lunch at Olive Garden, the day after I confronted her with my "We Need to Talk" e-mail, what she has wanted is for some sort of separation, and for ME to move out, so that she can carry on a comfortable life of consuming cake. Unh-uh. Not gonna happen.
"Let's see, Wife. You are having an affair, breaking our wedding vows and ripping a bleeding gash in my chest in the process. You tell me you are no longer in love with me, and that you no longer want to be married to me. And you want ME to move out???" Rrright. [/quote]
Chocolateeyes,
That is exactly what my W wanted me to do. She wanted the end the marriage and then have me move out. Even my mother in law thought that I should be the one to move out. Mother in law, love her dearly, kept saying that I need to think about our S3. That he needed to stay at a place where he calls home. W was going to move into her parents house. This was last year. That never happened because W knew what it would be like living with her parents. Her parents were going to make it hard for her to live there.
asking her to just plain MOVE OUT may very well be coming, if her behavior doesn't change. But I will have danmed good evidence when I do that.
Are you on a timetable for this? It seems pretty clear from what you have written that you have plenty of evidence. What about the text "Want to meet and make out?" and all the rest of course. Just be careful you don't do more psychological damage to Yourself by living in this environment, kwim? LFL
You ask good questions! No, I haven't set a timetable, but if I had to, I'd say 7/31 or 8/31.
Unfortunately, altho I tried to use the "forward" feature on her phone to forward one of the more salacious text messages to myself ("I'm in this bed, all alone" -- from her to OM... I mistakenly forwarded it BACK to OM! Does that make me gay?? LOL), I do not have enough proof yet.
A photo of them kissing, or a voice recording of a conversation, would do the trick. I'm not in a particular hurry, since this is giving me time to demonstrate strength, loving behavior and care for my family, and generally let "the new Choc." shine before her. This way, if she does leave the marriage, the last memories she will have will be positive ones, in case God has ANY future reconcilation plans in mind.
And of course, the converse of that is, during this time her continued behavior may cause me to lose what's left of my love for her, which is also needed if we are to divorce and I'm to be emotionally OK with that. So "patience" is the order of the day.
I mistakenly forwarded it BACK to OM! Does that make me gay?? LOL),
LOL! Well, at least you can maintain your sense of humor.
I guess the only concern I had for you was that you would do just what you said, lose what's left of your love for her, if you continue to expose yourself to the nasty details of their A. I still maintain this is partly the reason why my H showed no interest in OM details. Maybe it is a self-protection of sorts that can be healthy. I'm not saying your plan isn't good. Just be careful that you don't get on a quest for "total exposure" at the detriment of your M survival. It may be too hard to come back from when the A runs it's course. I guess I am saying maintain the boundaries (such as, I will not live with you in the midst of an A,) in order to maintain your own self-respect, emotional health, and possible survival of the M long-term. LFL
He did say that adultery could affect custody, so gathering evidence is a good idea.
Now if you lose your love for her, then you move on. The Bible (well, parts of it anyway) says that you can get divorced in cases of adultery. I'd consider that a risk worth taking in this case. And the details might not affect you that way, after all... everyone's different.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
And the details might not affect you that way, after all... everyone's different.
Very true. BUT we are all human. And knowing those details is often just salt in the wound. I think with men this is especially true. I'm not sure how many men want to know the sordid details of their W's A and THEN can truly go on to have forgiveness, trust, respect in their M's. As a woman, it is VERY hard to live with the fact that my H left the way he did and I don't really think I will ever have the same respect for him that I did before. Is that my burden? I guess. I am making a conscious choice to deal with it. But it is just not the same. Some days are better than others. I question my motives all the time. Am I staying for the kids? Is that ok?
Choco has a LOT on his plate right now. And as someone who feels like they have been betrayed, it is a slippery slope in terms of figuring out how much information and psychological stress one can handle. Choco seems like a strong guy and I am sure he will be ok no matter what happens. LFL
LOL!