Me: 29, W: 29, and D3. My W and I separated in early March. I quickly ran out and bought DB and DR along with Stop Your Divorce.
Hello,
I am OneWish back asking for help. My W and I separated for 6 months in November 2005. She filed in March 2006. We attended counseling and Retrouvaille in May and June 2006 and she thanked me for fighting to save our marriage. She asked me to come back home.
We were doing well with Retrouvaille. They have post-weekend and my W said that she was too tired to attend these any more. After 5 sessions, I gave in and we stopped attending. The program had us working hard on our marriage and we were doing so well. We stopped attending and things started happening. I finished school and started working part-time. We were about to buy our 1st house. We tried to have another child. She was pregnant and had a tubal pregnancy. This was tough on her. She then thought that she was pregnant again and had a false read. She was upset. We then stopped trying to conceive because we were going on a Disney Cruise in November 2007 and she didn't want to be pregnant.
We did have our share of rough moments from time to time. My W would get upset and angry at me and break things. She broke my belt buckle, broke a flour pot, etc. I did make a HUGE mistake by going out to lunch with my supervisor. My W has major insecurity issues and I carelessly went against them. I did tell her and she was upset at first and she asked me to keep my female relationships at work strictly work related. I said, okay. She then started searching through my phone asking about numbers. I told her who the numbers were and she then kept searching for something else. She went through the computer looking for things. She said that she is taking the computer so that her brother can look through it. This pissed me off because she was violating me and now bringing her family into a non-existent issue that evolves around her lack of trusting me.
My W stated that she wasn’t happy that I golfed on the weekends with my father. My W stated that she wanted me to go less and wake up with her and D3 in the mornings. I did do that and I also gave up weekends to go up north to her parent’s cabin. Things started to get bad because she would always blame me for everything. When arguing, she would say hurtful things that I would consider hitting below the belt. I would always apologize when I was wrong.
My W didn’t like the fact that I work in a field dominated with females. She started to search through my car and constantly ask me all kinds of questions. At the time, I was just feeling so pressured and this drove me further away. I finally got to the point to where I had to have some space. My W made threatening comments like; I will need a court order to see D3. This pissed me off. I was determined to leave after hearing that. I told her that was uncalled for and I just need some time to think. I felt that I needed a break. I took a suitcase with some clothes to my parent’s house. My W started calling my relatives and telling them about all of the mistakes that I have made recently. It was embarrassing and I was pissed off. I asked my W to please stop calling them and that everything is going to be okay, I just need some time to think. She was sending me a lot of argumentive e-mails to my job and I asked her to please stop because I didn’t want the entire office to know our business. Our e-mails are not confidential. She then called her family and told them what was going on and that I left the house. I then received a voice mail from her father all upset. I just felt like I was being pushed further away from all of the pressure. W said that we need to go to church and get into counseling. I told her that I don’t want to do it right now.
I was gone for about two weeks. I was always seeing D3 as much as I could, usually 4 times a week. I called my W on the phone from work one day and she said that she is done. She said that I left them and I wasn’t willing to work on the R when she wanted to. She said she is done. I suggested that we go into counseling. She said she was willing to go last week, but now she doesn’t want to go. I thought that was weird.
She asked me to let her go and said that she is moving on with her life in early April. I agreed and told her I will do that. I am not breaking any DB rules. I am not snooping, contacting relatives, and no R talk. D3 has been saying that she wants to go to the circus, so my W suggested that we go together in a month. I bought 3 tickets and she said she is still going to go in July. W asked me if she could go on vacation with D3 and her brother, sister-in-law, and niece in June for the weekend to go to Disneyland. I quickly, said sure happily. I have given my W space and I do not pressure her at all. I have been keeping busy GAL. I have been golfing, going out with friends, went out of town for a weekend. I am trying to ‘act as if’ I am okay with everything. There have been a few times when I am picking up D3 that my wife is crying. For Mother’s Day, D3 picked out a card and butterfly wind chimes for her mom. I also bought a friendly card and signed, your friend. I didn’t want to put any pressure on her at all. My W said that D3 has been asking for me to live with them and spend the night. For Father's Day she bought me a book, "Why Every Daughter Needs Their Father" and a card signed by D3. I sent her a text thanking her. She responded, your welcome it is from D3, good nite.
I did initiate R talk on two occasions. I called my W in April to see about us going to counseling and she responded that she is done and moving on with her life. She said that she contacted her atty and I should be getting papers soon. I was crushed for a week. Nothing arrived. She didn't file.
In May I dropped off D3 and suggested counseling to my W again. She said that she filed. I said, okay and left pissed. The next day I picked up D3 from her office and she was asking about when the Disney Cruise is and I told her that I wasn't sure. She said that she doesn't want to go. She then started crying and said that she doesn't want to know what I am feeling. I told her that I have not been telling her what I am feeling.
A few days ago, I get some court junk mail saying that a complaint has been filed against me. I checked the court website and she filed. She asked me to watch D3 from Saturday through Monday so that she could go with her parents out of town, I said sure.
Played in a golf tournament on Saturday and our team finished 2nd! It was fun. My W dropped D3 off for the weekend while I was still gone. She was all upset because I wasn't there in time. I told her that I was on my way. She tried to be all upset and said I was being selfish again. My sister said that when she dropped off D3, they both were crying and D3 didn't want my W to leave. My sister said that my W handed D3 to my sister and then took her back. This went on several times. My wife texted me and said they both were crying and upset. I texted her back when I got here and left her a voice mail telling her that everything is great now and apologized. She said, okay and to tell D3 hi. If she doesn't want anything to do with me, then why is she criticizing me and worried about what I am doing? Oh well. I did speak to a good, older friend and he told me that my W is losing out on a great guy. She is, I am educated, good father, big heart, I did a lot for her. I hope that she wakes up.
Sorry for the long post...Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
OneWish
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Start the post sessions again at Retrouvaille, and this time go to all of them and keep doing the work! You are definitely not following the rules of dialogue and things are totally out of control. the last few sessions deal with restoring trust. This is not something that can be accomplished over one week and then you are cured. Love, Commitment, Trust and Forgiveness are all decisions. Start again, they welcome you any time.
Start the post sessions again at Retrouvaille, and this time go to all of them and keep doing the work! You are definitely not following the rules of dialogue and things are totally out of control. the last few sessions deal with restoring trust. This is not something that can be accomplished over one week and then you are cured. Love, Commitment, Trust and Forgiveness are all decisions. Start again, they welcome you any time.
I would love to go back. I can suggest this to my wife. She loved Retrouvaille. Our post session was on Tuesday night from 7pm - 9pm and she was tired because she works full-time and has D3 with her. Her days were just too long. I can suggest that we go back to Retrouvaille. If I had my way, we would have completed the program. We actually talked about being volunteers and helping other marriages out when we finished our weekend.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
That sounds like a good start. It seems like there is a bunch of unspoken language going on. I can almost see me doing some of the stuff your W did. I wanted to file just to get my H to do something different with his life or move out. I hate where my H works so instead of appreciating his hard work I resent every hour he is late. He also works with mostly women. You need to understand her unspoken language with symathy in order to rebuild trust. Going away for anything when I had a 3 year old would have seemed really selfish in my house. I know boys will be boys, but there are Terrible Twos and Miserable Threes. I am not saying any of this is your fault, but she also sounds a bit hormonal. Is she currently on fertility drugs or some other meds? If you have done nothing to break her trust why is she so paranoid? Do you do things to reassure her? I know there is a chapter on rebuilding trust after ab infidelity with tools you can use even if you have been faithful. Limiting business trips away is one of those things.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
That sounds like a good start. It seems like there is a bunch of unspoken language going on. I can almost see me doing some of the stuff your W did. I wanted to file just to get my H to do something different with his life or move out.
I just don't know what to do about the unspoken languages. What do you suggest that I do? I think the next step for me to show my W that I am moving on with my life is that I am going to start looking for an apartment or townhouse and move out of my parent's house. I have been saving money, but I am just going to move out. It just seems that I had some bad luck recently. I owe money on taxes, I need oral surgery for my wisdom teeth.
Quote:
I hate where my H works so instead of appreciating his hard work I resent every hour he is late. He also works with mostly women. You need to understand her unspoken language with symathy in order to rebuild trust.
Here is the thing, I was in graduate school full-time, working part-time at the university for two years. Any time that I had a free moment to just relax or golf, my W would be all upset saying that I need to get another job, blah, blah. I told her that this is my time to relax. I am taking 5 classes and I have exams or projects around the corner. So, finally I graduate and get a full-time job at my old job, different office and she didn't like the idea. In the past, she found an e-mail from a girl that I worked with. (I know, stupid on my part! This broke trust for her again).
Quote:
Going away for anything when I had a 3 year old would have seemed really selfish in my house. I know boys will be boys, but there are Terrible Twos and Miserable Threes.
She always had a difficult time going away. When we went to Retrouvaille it was tough for her to be without D3. We did call everyday to check on D3. My W has D3 with her 24/7. She works for her father and takes her to work. We didn't want to put D3 in daycare and having her with my W was the best option for us so that she can be with family. It seems as though my W is really confusing D3. D3 will come over and ask me, "Why do mommies and daddies not live together?" Or she'll tell me that she wants me to spend the night or live with them but mommy said, not until she says yes. My W seems emotionally inappropriate with D3. She is telling D3 all of these things about families and how ironic, D3 is watching Elmo talking about families. It seems that a lot of Sesame Street cartoons focus on families.
I am not saying any of this is your fault, but she also sounds a bit hormonal. Is she currently on fertility drugs or some other meds? I do have a lot of guilt. I KNOW that I could have made better decisions. I should not have left the house. I should not have had lunch with my supervisor. I should have went for help when she was begging me to. That is the past, I can't change that. I wanted to go a week later and she said no, she is done. Regarding the hormonal, we did try to have another child and the first was a tubal pregnancy. She was about 4 weeks into the pregnancy and had a DNC. This was really emotinally rough on both of us. She then thought she was pregnant again and I told her that we should just confirm first with the doctor before telling everyone. What happens...Thanksgiving Day, she tells her WHOLE family. Everyone was happy. Then she goes to get checked out and she is not pregnant. She wanted a baby so bad, she was starting to think about adopting. No, she is not on any drugs that I know of. She has NEVER been like this except for the last time that we separated. When we got back together last time, I asked her how come she never wanted to kiss or hug me. She said that she didn't want to get my hopes up and that she was done. We have been together for 11 years, how can she just drop that like nothing?
Quote:
Do you do things to reassure her?
I always verbally told her things. I would hug her and tell her that I love her and she doesn't need to worry. I think that when she accepts me back, I will need to basically tell her this every day until she gets to a point of trust and stops worrying. I would always come home and talk about work and she would tell me that she doesn't want to hear about it because it is depressing hearing about abused children and what is going on.
If we can just get into counseling, this would be a great start. What are your thoughts about all 3 of us going to the circus?
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
It is not easy to set aside the time to make a marriage work. But it is necessary. I still say going back to the post sessions is the best theing you can do. My program was 4 hours on Sundays. We did 2 Chapters each week.
You should have the Retrouvaille Post book. Until you get back to Retrouvaille, start using the book and doing the dialogues every day. 20 minutes a day -- not that much time to make your lives 100% better. Start at the beginning of the book, read through the chapters, do one of the questions. Do a question a night, or make up your own question. Just make sure the question is phrased "how do I feel about X?
The most important thing in a marriage is communication. If you do the dialoguing and follow the rules, you will have daily effective communication. This will help, but it only works if you do it.
The most important thing in a marriage is communication. If you do the dialoguing and follow the rules, you will have daily effective communication. This will help, but it only works if you do it.
Sara,
The dialogue does work. The problem is that I am not sure if she is WILLING to do it. We are separated and not living in the same residence. I do still have my workbook.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
