H left me 2yrs now. none of my efforts have helped. He just wants D. I don't know why I want to stay with him after these past 2 years of emotional hell for me. But there was so much good there. He just stopped wanting my physically though he says there was no OW. Of course that was not OK but I was worried for a long time he was having a physical problem. I'm not gordeous, but I'm not a dog either, I've gained and lost 20lbs at one time but one time he said "it's not that" i.e. gaining weight. He blames it on my waiting for many months when we were going out. And that he got turned off by sleeping with me but not having sex. But it was great when we finally did, he broke up with me for a while before we married but then came back. Sex was great when we had it. But he didn't want it that often, and I was often the initiator. Then we went through infertility treatments that didn't work. I've just been frozen, he stopped being nice and even talking to me when I didnt sign sep papers.
Anyhow, he came today to take even more items. (he's been slowly taking them away). It was his taking of some items underthings and some other clothes that were here, I used to smell them sometimes. Is that weird. I feel like I just can't stand it. I just want to scream and cry and beg, but I didn't. He says he's moving across the country, he got a job offer there. I'm so heartbroken, every part of me is screaming NO. And I am so powerless to do anything.
I don't know what to do, but just give up. Should I go ahead and sign sep papers? I feel like I'm going to die. I know God will get me through but I just feel awful. Please help. ask questions make suggestions. Should I do a 180 file myself, sign seps. Please help. I"ve read DB and DR, I recommend them to people all the time, I say "I wish I'd found them sooner". It seems so hopeless. I've been trying to hold out hope. It seems a little late for consults. I'd gone through all the Marriagemax CDs. I don't know if that helped or hurt.
Should I just throw in the towel?
I have to go out now. But I will check back online and I'm hoping for some sage advice.
Well the first one I tried to GAL. Read DB, DR, worked. Tried to have conversation, not press. Just living. I only had a day... office number for him. So if I called during the day, he'd say he didn't want to talk because he was busy. And then I couldn't call at night. But I was so foolish to believe the bs. I didn't really, but what could I do? He was working on a project, finished had some success with it. He said he was dating, not coming back. At one point I said "I don't know what to do" meaning to save our marriage, but I didn't say that, I thought DB I wasn't supposed to be saying I wanted to get back together. He thought I ment what to do to get a D and said we needed to get a sep or I could file for abandonment. I just have been frozen at those kinds of junctures, afraid to say NOOOOO. And he started to act like I did something to him!, I don't know nothing DB worked, I just should have signed sep papers when he left them. Then maybe we'd still be friends. But I started to get upset when I realized the financial impact his leaving was having also. And commented once that I wanted for him to pay half the rent. And he said I was going to loose a husband and a friend. He's just hurting me in everyway and I feel torn between DB for the marriage and what we had. I rather have the friendship, but I may hurt myself very badly for the rest of my life as far as quality of life goes. I think he's been turned off for too long now, that he's got someone else and I've seen him go cold on friendships, and that scared me, he just cut people out of his life. He just sees, talks to me as an annoyance. He must have someone else waiting, or he wouldn't be so annoyed. I've lost him and I dont know how really. How can I ever love again? I ache so. I didn't do anything that is cause for grounds. We have drifted further and further, and I don't know there is anything I can do now. I think I need to go back and start reading the book again. I think he has "spys" checking up on what I'm doing, saying. Maybe I'm just paranoid.
12+ years, early 50s. Faithful me hasn't had sex in 6 years now. Never thought waiting til I felt a man loved me, but looking forward to passionet married sex would wind me up with none. I mean I know the drive wains but I was afraid he had a physical problem, that I could deal with, he was semi affectionate sometimes. But would complain that we'd just had dinner, or it was too late. He never asked to, or tried anything different. That's just physical though. I dont know what the emotional disconnect was. I acturally have had sex dreams about my H. I hadn't been with anyone 6 years before I met my H too.
That sounds like a difficult situation. He obviously has some issues that he is avoiding. He sounds very similar to my H when it comes to sex. Honestly, sometimes I wish my H would get a job and move cross country then I could get over him more easily and find a new man, but I know that is just a fantasy and it would not do my famly any good. He does sound like he is resisting being nice to you, like it is contrived. He needs to miss you. Have you detached yourself already? Maybe you have iif you have been DBing for two years. What happened?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I don't think he misses me. He doesn't want me around, I think, but I don't know for sure, even though he says, it's because he has someone else, and maybe he has for a long, long time. Or maybe I make him feel guilty, I don't know. But it contradicts other things and behaviors, so I'm totally confused. Maybe in his mind he thought he was being nice? But it didnt give me anything to work with in terms of solutions. Maybe he just wanted to reduce the chances he'd have to have any financial problems with it. I don't know, I know somehow he's hurt, but I don't know how I hurt him? But he seems to be able to shut off any emotion toward me but anger.It's been making me crazy, guessing, guessing at all the things he said and unanswered questions on conversations. Oh Lord, save me from making myself nuts with vagueness. I thought my H was a gift from God, I'd waited for a long time, we were so compatable in many ways. It's all very MLC.
His moving means there is no hope to reconcile. You know I don't even know what I might have done differently. He's never communicated to me what he wanted, what would have excited him or anything. He wouldn't tell me. There were times when sex was wonderful and he'd say I love you after, I loved making love to him. And I just don't understand where he is coming from or what happened. I just ache. I think I didn't handle the lack of sex very well at times at all. I feel I did something that turned him off, and I don't even know what. I'm sure my whimping around doesn't help, but I don't know if that's how I seem when I'm with him. I mean I don't know what I seem like to others really.
The thought of dating, putting myself in a position for more rejection just makes me ill. The worst part is not understanding what happened, so I won't repeat whatever it was. I've been through heartache before. So I think well OK, but it was years between relationships with the man before my H.
You can move on even with your H there. But I understand what you mean in a way. But, watch out what you wish for.
Thanks for your response.
Originally Posted By: mkultra
That sounds like a difficult situation. He obviously has some issues that he is avoiding. He sounds very similar to my H when it comes to sex. Honestly, sometimes I wish my H would get a job and move cross country then I could get over him more easily and find a new man, but I know that is just a fantasy and it would not do my famly any good. He does sound like he is resisting being nice to you, like it is contrived. He needs to miss you. Have you detached yourself already? Maybe you have iif you have been DBing for two years. What happened?
What do you think your H would think if you did start dating? You do not have to sleep with other people, but you can test the waters just for fun. There is a new show called First Wives Club and they coach women to start dating in an innocent way. Dinner, dancing, just so they feel alive after being badly mistreated. I live near a city so all I have to do is take a walk to be reminded that there are lots of cool men out there. I just do not want any NEW baggage. My H has enough issues that I still have not figured out but at least I know if I never saw him again, I'd be OK alone or searching for another. Think of yourself that way. I mean how does DBing work if there is no one there to see it? Does it work just because it is making us feel better about ourselves?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
