Amy...yes I figured out why she was angry. She was upset because she followed me to another state (your state actually) to follow my career. I stripped her of her friends, family and all she knew and then I became a workaholic. I abandoned her when she needed me most. After the PA i ditched that job and brought her home because she finally conveyed to me that was what she wanted. She is much more important than any job was worth. So I brought her home.
789..EA's have different levels. But I'm sorry when people are telling each other they love each other...that's as good to me as a PA.
But obviously I am of the minority on this opinion...
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
You're sounding like your mind is made up, but I'm going to tell you this anyway.
EA does NOT = PA. And you can get over both if you wanted to.
I'll share a bit with you on my situation:
I think my W has an EA going on, I have some pretty good proof, but Jazz and 789 convinced me it could be completely innocent. Regardless of what they say, I don't CARE if she's having an EA. If she is, it's my own damn fault. I didn't talk to my wife, I didn't speak her love language, I didn't let her be her. This other person is a huge douche-bag for getting involved, but what's he supposed to do? A woman that looks like my W who starts chatting him up (and they're old friends, they grew up together, blah, blah, blah) is not going to get ignored as he looks semi-retarded and acts about the same way. BUT, he LISTENS, he's ATTENTIVE, he's feeding her need to talk about drama in her life right now, because he figures he has a shot at my W. And his shot is probably not a lot less likely than my own at this point. I have NO problem forgiving them both, and when this is all over, I'll completely forget!
So, what do I do? Do I give up, do I blame, do I confront and fight with her? Um, NO! That would push her away so damn fast my head would spin. I change! I become more attractive to her than him. I give her what she desires, only I have an advantage - 11 years MARRIED and a great son that we both adore! No one else has that kind of awareness (especially since I got hit with a brick 3 months ago), and no one has more desire to help her feel loved than me. So, I continue the fight. I'm patient. I let the changes sink to my core. I look to the bright future we will have. I think how happy my S will be to have us all together again. I think of how happy she and I will be with S4. See? OM DOES NOT MATTER! HE DOES NOT PLAY IN! He has no chance. He's a victim of circumstance and he'll be let down very soon...
So, if you're done, that's your choice. I don't think a lot of people would blame you. However, MAKE SURE you've done everything possible to get your family back. If you feel comfortable that you have, then you won't have any regrets.
Good Luck man, I'll keep you in my prayers...
Do you see anywhere in there where I stated it matters what they say to each other?
Do you really think your W is "IN LOVE" with another man already? That's not even possible dude because that's not love.
She got bored, she found a douche-bag to pay attention to her and it's helping her not be bored. He's speaking her love language, or doing something she wasn't getting from you. That's IT! Give yourself some damn space, let her come to you when she sees you're moving forward. If you can't do that, you're going to drive yourself nuts (you're on your way judging by your posts today.)
Take a breather, and then think things through again...
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Even though I stopped replying to her email as UA suggested. She has emailed me back to let me know we are finished. So there ya go.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
Even though I stopped replying to her email as UA suggested. She has emailed me back to let me know we are finished. So there ya go.
Dude, have you been paying attention at all??? I mean even a little bit?
1) My W filed for divorce day 1 - she could have been done on our first trip to court, she delayed things. 2) She got a PROTECTIVE ORDER to make sure I couldn't communicate with her 3) She told our Pastor no less than 3 times that we are over, done, no chance of getting back together, etc. 4) She has told me to my face that all she wants is to be done, sign and get closure, 100% done. 5) I have spoken to her 2 times in 3 months.
A) In those 2 times (5 weeks more or less), she has softened, thought things through, shared with me things she's never shared before, and last time said she'd think about giving us another chance. B) Is she taking her sweet time, yes. Do I want it to be faster, yes. Can I make it faster, NO! C) Are we D'd? NO! And we could have been, as I mentioned.
STOP taking everything she says as the end. Give her some damn space, let her work things out. If she says she's done, say, "I'm sorry to hear that." Or, "I'd rather our marriage work but if you'll be happier divorced than giving our family one more chance, then all I ever wanted was for you to be happy." Let her chew on that, let her do all the D work, you just protect yourself and your kids, and let things work themselves out.
All of our W's have said they're done. Many of our W's have filed. You either DB and stand for your marriage, or you don't. Only you know when you've done all you can. Good Luck!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
STOP taking everything she says as the end. Give her some damn space, let her work things out. If she says she's done, say, "I'm sorry to hear that." Or, "I'd rather our marriage work but if you'll be happier divorced than giving our family one more chance, then all I ever wanted was for you to be happy." Let her chew on that, let her do all the D work, you just protect yourself and your kids, and let things work themselves out.
JR i appreciate your advice. I do. Each situation has it's similarities and it's original pieces however. I have been paying attention very carefully to your sitch. Even though some of your and my behaviors match, or sitch's are very different. You have to remember that I've been separated for two years.
I will tell give her the happiness line and let her go. Hopefully she'll get curious again, but I can't hold my breathe this time.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
You have to remember that I've been separated for two years.
How the hell did I miss this nugget of information???? I could swear you just got separated recently???? Dude, I am so sorry, I had no idea you were working on this so long. Who am I to give YOU advice??? 2 years, and still trying? Good for you, that's all I can say.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
