z thanks so much for stopping by my place I've always appreciated your words and will admit that when I've seen you stop by to post to others and pass me by I've thuoght well gee guess z is back to not liking me all that much (you see my feelings of neglect and rejection go beyond just h)
it is funny that when I tell people I am insecure they don't believe me when I tell people I am shy they don't believe me. when I tell people that I feel anxious when going out to parties and social gatherings they don't believe me.
why would people not believe me when I tell them what I feel. guess I am a good actress (something I always wanted to do anyway) why then can't I just act with h like I don't care.
h is a strange fellow...I've said many things to h over this week in regard to how I feel and how I feel he feels...some in anger but most in despair and frustration with tears...h says nothing and I take it as my thoughts of his feelings are true and from what he does say..some of what I think is in fact the truth.
this morning I made melt in your mouth pancakes (the recipie is on the back of bisquick box (add lemon juice, baking powder and sugar to the reg recipie) yummy!! and sausages, tea for me, coffee for h and oj for all. I have to send (well don't have to but do) son to wake h at 9 else he'd stay in bed. h comes down eats and though he used to do the dishes now just leaves them in the sink. argues with son who is 3 about getting dressed (son wants to wear "soft pant" sweat pants every day and changes them often so is out...causes a rucuss and has taken to whining which frustrates h..so when son returns dressed h goes off (while his plate sits on the table) to the bathroom to have a butt. I go about business put dd for nap..help son settle, fold some laundry..etc.. h then goes to take his shower and get dresssed..asks if we're going anywhere today...son has cold so I don't want to bring him to the gym daycare and have nothing to buy at the stores..but may take them outside after lunch as son has cabin fever and the ability to drive you mad when in the house to long.
h is arguing with son about what channel is on the tv (nickelodean turns to nick jr for a while but son doesn't understand that h doesn't know to just leave it alone as the explanation goes over his (s) head) I'm sitting there thinking I'd like to tell h to move out...leave...go away..go back to the way it was this summer...just GO!!!
h kisses son goodbye and then stands near me and says I'll call you later and let you know about the snow (looks like I'll be in a nice quiet house tonight after the kids go to bed) then kisses me on the forehead and rubs my shoulder???? WTF???
I truly don't know what I am to do anymore.
looking at h's parents r..I can see where he learned his ways...fil worked nights....mil went shopping or to book stores or visiting relatives and what not...they have an almost non-existant r..even when they come to visit or babysit the kids they are more often than not in seperate vehichles...fil is alone alot as mil does her own thing without him.
I don't want their life.
then there's my parents... had their own friends and did their own things but also would play cards or games together..went to functions together...had parties together...lived loved and laughed...but f had affairs over the years and the last just didn't end...f wanted both women and now they are d'd and neither are truly happy as they do love eachother.
I don't want to be them either.
I don't know if h will ever really be able to have the type of r I want..I'm not totally giving up on it right now..but for now I am doing my own thing..h can come to me when and if he is ready and if that never happens....
