I'm back... I posted quite a few times about a year ago - then I took some time off because my sex drive dropped and my wife increased so things seemed okay.
Now, I am in a really weird situation. I was so frustrated last night that I only got an hour or so of sleep. My wife also slept like crap.
I'll try to make this brief and get to the point, but it will be hard without doing some history.
We're married 20 years with two kids. I have suffered through 15 years of hearing my wife say no. I want sex 1-2 times week and we average once a month. She is not interested in anything exotic. The last two times we had sex I was barely in the mood. She sat me down and had a "talk" with me about my poor performance. ((you have to understand this is a complete 180 of where we were a year ago)). If I had mentioned last year anything unsatisfactory about her sexual performance it would have started a day long arguement. Now, all of a sudden she thinks sex is important and I'm called to the matt for a lecture.
Fast forward to present frustration.
I arrived home this weekend after a week out of town. I was looking forward to some welcome home sex. She seemed receptive. Then, one thing led to the other and the night got real late. She does not like me messing with her when it's late at night and she is tired. So, I lay there in bed beside her deciding if I'm going to do something or not. She has a grocery list of "things she hates" when it comes to sex... here are a few...
- don't ask me if you can do something - don't assume you can do something - don't grope - don't touch me like a teenage, be a man - don't ask me when the sun is shining - don't ask me when it's too late and I'm tired - don't whine - don't pout - don't talk about it - don't share your fantasies with me, I'm not interested - don't keep a list of rules
[ also, from time to time, these rules don't apply... but, you never know when ]
So, as such... I just lay there going through a checklist - okay, I want to have sex, but I can't ask... I can't just jump on her, it's kinda late, I don't want to fight... it gets me literally paralized and I have gone to sleep many nights not asking just because I can't come up with some plan of attack.
Then it hits me... I know, I'll say "you know, I thought about you every night while I was gone" - I say this as I'm snuggling up to her... her response is "yeah, I know..."
Would have been nice if she had said something similiar or said "that's sweet" - so, I mark this as a negative... but, she seems to be moving toward me and she says something about not being fully in the mood (though she does not use those exact words)
Next, I put my foot in my mouth and say "is there anything I can do to get you in the mood" (remember rules above, she hates it when I ASK her)
So, her response is "-1 point"
of course now that I remember, we had been playing with this "-1 point" think a week or so ago when we irritated each other (in a playful way) - however, this kinda made me think WTF?!?
So, I got for the MAN approach and pull her close and grab her butt in a firm strong manly fashion...
This gets another negative response. So, I give up and roll over. But, for some reason I know she really wants to have sex... she just wants me to do it exactly the way she wants and needs it without her telling me anything. She feels like if she tells me anything she is making it EASY for me and that is a bad thing.
So, I start lightly stroking her face and she starts responding positively, then I roll over to start kissing on her and she says "you need to floss your teeth"
She's right, I do... so, I tell her I'll jump and do it - she says no. get back in bed. and she just lays there. Now, I'm as self-conscious as can be. I did brush and use mouth wash, but it has faded fast and my tongue taste bad and I just can't go back over to her and do anything because I feel like Mr. Stinky breath. I tell her again that I'm going to get up quick and do a quick clean-up and she says no again. So, we're at a stalemate.
She tells me she really wishes I would take care of my mouth and have "sexy breath"
Well, that's where my advances end. We end up laying there staring at the ceiling till we finally fall asleep.
In the morning we have a "discussion" where she tells me again how troubled our sex life is. Now she has convinced herself that the last 15 years of trouble has had nothing to do with her at all - it's been all me. So, now it's up to me to fix it all.
I'm just so confused.
On the positive side, she is very interested in getting our sex life fixed and on track - this is GREAT she hasn't had this motivation in years.
On the negative side, she is convinced the entire problem rests with ME and if I would just fix myself we would be having this wonderful sex life.
So, now I have decided to do a major overhaul on my hygiene (I wan't too bad before, but definately not squeaky clean [something that turns her on]). So, I went and bought face wash, a sonic toothbrush and a tongue cleaner (I think that is where all the odor and bad taste comes from).
I would like to initiate something again tonight (after I'm cleaner) but, I am still licking wounds from my failure last night and feeling rather bitter at her "it's all YOU" approach.
