I know why h is here..yes he loves me...he is here because he "this is where I need to be"
h doesn't want to be with me and you know what I don't care anymore...yes it hurts but why should I let it...honestly in the end it will be his loss...I know how to live and have real friendships and enjoy life to it's fullest..I appreciate people for who they are and I like life. H is just H...doesn't care much to know people other than on the surface and that is the way it is.
after spending 0 time with me all week and being out plowing yesterday and sleeping at his appartment last night then being out plowing today..h came home at 1 and let me know he'd be going out tonight with "buddie"
gee nice...I tried not to care or to show him that it hurt me but couldn't. I do care and it does hurt me. I have decided to sign off with h. will I go file for a d. no...will I kick him out? no... will I waist my time on him? no will I ask him to go out anywhere with me? no will I bother with him anymore? no
he can live here, help with the kids, and the house and go about his merry way. he can do his thing and I'll do mine. I'm about all done!!!!
bet h wont come home tonight as his appartment is closer to where they will be out and he no doubt will have a few and is already tired...was falling asleep on the couch before dinner.
I have been unhappy for more than 8 years with this r...it has not changed and will not change the only thing that has changed is we are now married and have children h will now participate in the family and accept invitations to go places with me. h has no interest in working on a r with me, no interest in talking to me, sharing anything with me and never has...that is why I do not believe this to be a mlc...it is simply the realization of the truth that I have known all along..that though h cares about me he does not love me the way a man should love a woman and that is that.
I have tried I have tried for many years...finally when I had reached a point of acceptance that this was just h's way because of his work..I was slapped in the face and told no h is not this way because of work h is this way because he doesn't love you the way a man should love a woman and he has found someone he does feel that way about intentional or not (though he admits to going back to her after we were married cause he missed that feeling and it was still there when he went back)
I don't care if h is still talking to her...I don't even care if h is sleeping with her...it's not as if he's sleeping with me with any regularity why the hell do you think my friends gave me that interesting b-day gift. "the bender" last sat at my request we did go out it was ok..did I feel close to h..no I felt like I was out on a date with a guy I don't know because that is the way it is. h did not initiate any physical contact when we got home and rejected me the next night when I tried...glad I have my bender. I don't want to waist my energy on this r any more. I am tired of feeling rejected and tired of waiting for him to come to me. I just want to be me..I don't want to play these games any more. if h doesn't want to be with me when I'm being me, then to hell with it.
