You are all so right and I do know it. I just seem to have been having a few really bad days.
I'm sure that coming off all the medication has a lot to do with it but I needed to come off it as I felt that all it was doing was 'dumbing' me down. It wasn't actually helping me solve anything - infact I think it was starting to prevent me being able to travel down the path to recovery.
I am sure that all is over with OW and even if I left he wouldnt go to her. What I am wondering though is if I am unable to stay with H because of the A. I can see why it happened and that we BOTH did things we shouldnt have BUT I dont know if I can carry on living with someone I can't trust. If I couldn't tell he was having an A this time then how am I going to make sure it doesn't happen again? Do I have to be worried evrytime I disagree with him that he might take offence and jump into bed with someone else? I don't think he will do that but HOW CAN I BE SURE? I worry that in all the books they say that it will nevr be the same again. I want the honourable man that i trusted completely back. I often wish he had justed ended the affair without coming clean to me about it!!
I do understand that I am probably just going through a blip and that in a few days I will hopefully fel alot better again. I know that its more likely than not that this will happen several times... but as you all know it hurts just so much.
I read about other peoples sitchs on here and it makes me feel v.selfish. I am lucky that my H appears to be totally recommitted to our M and he is supportive and will answer my questions etc but that doesnt take my pain away and I am fed up that a year down the line I still feel like this.
Sarah, I have looked at thr Retrouvaille site in the uk. It sounds a really good thing to do and I am glad it worked for you. Unfortunately my H is an atheist and so is unwilling to consider this option. He will read bits of bks that I show him and will talk about things but it is all very much on HIS terms. I think that he is beginning to reach the point when he wonders just when am I going to get over it and I am just so scared that I won't. My children also look like they are fed up that it all still bothers me. I am just so tired of it all.
Theoden, thanks so much for all the effort you have put into communicating with me. I am listening, (even if I am wallowing), and I keep going and rereading all that you have written. You are very sensible and clear thinking and what you have said really helps.
I think your son was great Sara and children are a powerful armour. My H made the mistake of introducing three of my children to OW. My second daughter, (aged 13 at the time), found the OW's mobile phone no. and memorised it. Without myself or my husband knowing she both texted and voicemailed the OW telling her exactly what she thought of her. I gather she also broke down crying on the phone to her.The next day apparently OW emailed my H and told him what our daughter had done and told my H to tell me that I "played too good a game for her". Iwas pleased that my daughter upset the OW but at the same time could not believe that she thought I would involve a 13yr old in something like that and indeed that I would liken it to a game!!!!
Thanks for all the support guys
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I'm so glad that you're feeling a bit better. And your daughter is some little lady, to be so protective of you and fight for you. I'm always amazed at the powerful directness of children. They get right to the point, bless them.
You have no need to feel "privileged" because your situation seems better than others. If your emotions and sensitivity lead you to react in a certain way, that's just you, the way you are. We all respond differently: and perhaps there's no right way or wrong way to respond to something that basically topples our whole lives.
To me, your husband strikes me as a basically very good man--maybe he is a traditionalist, like you. From my own experience, I would say that anti-depressants can be very helpful. They have been almost a life-saver to me. Certain ones can have a calming effect on the mind's tendency to run around in compulsive patterns. You do need an expert doctor skilled in prescribing these sorts of drugs, one who will monitor you carefully. Not everyone is comfortable with medication, but it can be extraordinarily helpful.
Remember that coming OFF these drugs ought to be monitored as well. You need to come off them gradually. Otherwise, you may find yourself desperate, unable to think clearly. if you go cold turkey, you are liable to plumb the depths.
I'm glad you are feeling a little better. Sounds like your daughter did exactly the right thing. You should be proud of her. My husband accused me of involving the children, but when you break up a family the children are involved. So the way I saw it, he involved the kids first.
It is difficult to rebuild the trust,but as you sense, it is necessary. Your husband needs to give you assurances that you believe, and he has to follow through. This really is a test of the marriage. It takes effort on both parts to pass the test.
Saffie-I found out last weekend my H was having an E. affair w/ my best friend. I was/am so disgusted, angry, hurt, all those feelings you probably have. I actually called her-it may have helped that I actually knew her . But boy did i want to call her everyone name in the book. I tried to be as calm as possible though for my sake mostly. Since i wanted to know every last detail so that my mind wouldn't blow things up worse than they were, i asked her if there was anything else i needed to know. she probably didn't tell the truth but after she cried her eyes out and apologized like crazy, I don't know it accomplished much, but it almost made me feel better, like she finally connected that she had hurt a REAL person, not just the OW. I'm not saying you should call the OW-think about what you want to accomplish, what you would say, and what if you don't get what you want, how will you feel then. You might want to think it over 3 or 4 times b/c it could make things worse. Good luck.
Me/H:27 Married: 3 years
Children: 1 on the way-he had been trying to have a baby w/ me while the EA was going on.
Bomb: 5/6/07-I don't think I have feelings for you anymore. (denied affair) 6/15/07-busted--EA with my best friend.
After going through two affairs (over 10 years apart), I've decided that what is rebuilt is a different type of trust. It's never the same. It's trust in oneself to be strong and solid regardless of what difficult situations my family might be going through. I now try to give love without expectations... because I don't know the future. Life is short and anything can happen. My marriage can end tomorrow. I could die in a car crash... anything... The trust I give my husband is more a hope. I have to trust that if a situation does occur where boundries might get crossed, that he will realize the foolishness of it and ultimately make the right choises, which is to be with his family and a wife who has loved him for more than half his life.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
That is a good way of looking at it Running. I think you're right. The decision to take the opportunity for sex with someone else doesn't seem loaded with life-ending consequences. But, boy does it ever seem that way to the other spouse! The ability to realize that it is just a minor distraction and choose one's family is what's most important. And, the sooner the better!
I wish I could be as accepting of circumstances as you or as wise. Hopefully I will get there in the end.
At the moment the 'minor distraction' seems pretty major. I can only hope that in time it blends more into the background and assumes an acceptable proportion of my attention.
Theoden, I do want my marriage to work and I think in the long run it will. Hopefully I am experiencing a minor blip. I do feel that after this weekend I am starting to move forwards again and in part that is due to all of you on here who have given me such good advice.
Now I just wish I could find some peace at night and sleep - my mind just keeps churning on and on...
How are all your sitchs going?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I see the Om as a 'minor distraction' however My W does not seem to want to let go. I really don't think she is seeing I am anymore and at least talking to I am less but she is not working on our R. She has this Room mate thing stuck in her head. I have not asked or pursued R talk but she offers none. I feel if I don't push a little soon I am just sticking my head stuck in the sand. Like I am the one pretending if I don't talk about it will go away. I am going to be asking my W for a second "date" this Saturday. Depending on how that goes I may feel the need to push a little with R talk. Not feeling good today I am weaning myself off of some medications and my head is killing me.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
