been doing some painting in the dining room while the kiddos sleep and h is out plowing (actually he's taking a nap at his appartment but I was told to think of it as office space..so I guess that's what I'll do) and I've been thinking about my earlier posts...
I think I've been hiding behind the fact that we met young and all that yada yada...I hate the way I sound in those posts...so ignorant really.
so what's done is done...h had an ea...flipin la di freakin da...maybe it went as far as a bit of a pa too..woopdi do da day...what the hell does it matter...h and I have been together since we were kids...we've broken up before and I'm sure neither one of us sat on our hands..as far as ea's well I'm sure unknowingly I've probably had a few...(does a crush count). does it all matter?
over the summer one of the or talks I had with h. h was saying that he tried...I realized that I hadn't been trying...I was holding on for dear life to this "friendship" he had with ow and wouldn't let it go..he probably did stop seeing her when I ask...but because I was such a maniac blowing up all the time he went back to seeing her but that really doesn't matter the summer and the separation and threat of d wiped it all away..over the summer I had said to him...so you met someone...you made a friend..you connected..big deal..I've realized that it doesn't really matter...it is not that important..what means more to me are those two little babies upstairs..our families..this home...our friends..and the future we can have together.
did I forget all that???? guess I did.
does the ea matter to me..yes it hurts me tremendously that he could give to someone else what I've always wanted. but in the long run..should I hold onto it forever?? waiting for more nasty dirt to come out...who the hell cares I know the worst of it already...he fell in love with her...of his own free will went to her on a regular basis...and lied about it and then left...what more could there be...
wether or not h and I are "in love" really doesn't matter...it didn't matter to me when he said the words " I love you Im not in love with you" my response was "I'm not in love with you either, I just happen to love you" so why does it matter to me now??? it mattered to me because it was what h was looking for...h wanted to feel that feeling and didn't with me...so I wanted him to fall in love with me...but you can't make someone fall in love with you and that I have to accept.
I know many people probably read my posts and think what an agry bitter little bitch she is...but that is not the real me. I am hurting always have been...no I don't want to start a pitty party but h was my safety, I chose a phil collins song for our wedding because it described exactly how I felt, I'll have to look it up later but basically when I was in h's arms...nothing mattered...I was safe. but h hurt me, more than anyone has ever hurt me before and I want that pain gone...I want to forget but I know I can't I have to grow...I can't hide behind a fabricated lie...we were just young..that is such crap!!!
just because h doesn't want to face the issues that led us here doesn't mean I can't face them.
I just want to know that everything will be ok but no one ever does know do they.
