LL, I hear you...hope you didn't think everyone was coming down on you too hard...give your m more time...your h has not been home that long...it could take months as they all keep saying..I like what Ange said about no r talks..while I so want to jump in and start r talks..I get a whole lot more out of h when I just ask him about everyday stuff...work..church..and he opens up..I am not expecting much from him right now, so I try to foccus on how I am feeling and project the happiness and calmness that I have found to him...as he seems to also have found peace, we are becoming the friends that we really never took the time for before. So maybe don't expect that your h is fully back..make yourself happy, and that will reflect to him. take it slow... Sue
Ahhhhh. The little things. Sorry you are having a tuff time ll. I can relate. Just a question here? What do YOU want for lostlove? Pardon me if I am outta line here but you can't fix him.....just keep trucking on what you need apart from him? Cause he is not able to meet your needs right now. It is all about him in his mind and it does not include you, sad to say.
Can you focus on yourself and your needs being met on your own? IMHO your H is not able to meet his own needs let alone yours or your kids. I think your H realizes this in spite of his efforts to try to do that but the pressure on him to do this (not saying this is from you) will drive him further away.
My H has very high expectations for himself. His MLC is forcing him to choose between his expectations, his "responsibilities", and what is going to work for HIM right now. It doesn't work at times very well for him or me right now. Thank gawd for plan "B"......lol.
Hang in there girl! You cannot fix this by yourself. Until your H is ready to surrender himself to your marriage and relationship you are powerless. <<<HUGS>>> .
Dang! Wish it was that simple. Take what ya need from this and throw out the rest. Please keep posting and venting and for gawd's sake don't you dare shut up!! We are here for you! Thinking of you,
guess the trouble is I don't believe it to be an mlc that h is going through... h has been "closed off" to me and to others for a long long time.. I suppose though it to be possible and long ago I did say to myself or others that h would be a prime cantidate for one...he did after all sink himself into a business at the young age of 19. thing is if there never were the ow I could have dealt with this all a whole lot easier...as I had already accepted that h was just emotionally closed off as a result of his business but to find that to not be the case...he was emotionally open to ow..so makes me think it is just me...I was not able to "pull him out" into the worl of the living and she was (a reference h made when we did go to c in begining of sep) I can and do live for myself...h does care for me and the children. of course I want more, most people would. can I survive all this if it is in fact and mlc??? time will tell but for now I have to live my life for me. and hope that h will soon decide to share withe me his life.
Hey LL. Just dropping in to check on you. I'm happy to hear you sounding and feeling a little better.
So many men define themselves by the work they do. In some respects I have done this in the past. It's unfortunate. So much energy ends up going into something so fleeting. Yes, it's important to provide for one's family, yet this has to be tempered with being there for the family too. It's like that saying that says, "When you die do you want your tombstone to say you did a great job at work, or that you were a great family man?" The gut reaction for most men would be the later, but their actions imply the former. I hope your H has a mindshift and realizes the truly important things in life. In some ways, I kind of think he already has...he just needs to take it a little (or a lot) further...
Please allow me to barge in here. I have been 'quietly' following your thread. Love this bit from Ange,
Quote: It was like relating to him as a friend with no expectations for him to be my H.
This is good stuff. Stealing your advice. I will carry on performing the 'wifely' duties while not expecting anything from H. If he does something, that is a bonus/surprise. Say something to show that you appreciate.
LL, I share you concern. My H too is in MLC and I don't know if/how long I can survive his drama. He also 'closed off' around the time the affair started. No matter what I did, he remained critical and emotionally/physically distant (a true alien). He treats his friends better than me. Wish he can speak to me in the same tone of voice. No!!! Grumpmaster general doesn't do that.
Hang in there .... i know it's a emotional rollercoaster. It is hell. But I have become stronger during this time. Detaching really takes practice.
Been back with my H for a month. Every single day is a saga. And me too... I see little 'stupid' things he does and "I AM SO HAPPY". My friends can't share that...they thought I've gone nuts.
Keep venting here, not to your H. I have done that and it backfires, big time.
I doubt that h is in a real mlc! the truth is..h and I met when we were kids...(16 and 19) I broke up with him a few times because I just didn't feel he wanted to be with me, like I was just there, his "package girl" I fit into the plan... I had been promised that the fall was comming (less busy) or that next year would be easier etc...but it didn't really happen that way...each year instead of h having more time and energy for "us" he had less...now maybe that is because he never really loved me or maybe because I couldn't deal with his always being busy so I pushed him away he lost that feeling...I don't remember the last time I actually felt like h truly "wanted" to be with me. does h love me?? yes but not in the way a man should love a woman. will he always "take care" of me and the kids? yes. will he do things as a family? yes. is he a great dad? yes. what has happend is the truth...h never really did have that love for me (well perhaps for a bit) or he did but he let it go along time ago..h met ow and "it" is there.. h will not leave again but I know a part of h wants to. thing is I understand that feeling too. there are plenty of days where I think I'd like to just walk away.
h is going through something but it is not a mlc it is the realization that he doesn't love his wife the way he should and that there is another out there who he does feel that way about (with). I have tried to explain to h that this feeling can be had with many people, that there is nothing ultimately special about her other than that he spent time with her and that if he spent time with another woman he would end up feeling that way with her too...h says that wouldn't happen...well then h is going to be stuck on this woman for a long time as is he did have that feeling for her before we married 5 years ago and when he went back to her (2+ years ago??) "it" was still there...and it never was there with me.
I don't know how to show h that it can be here...I have his children, his house, his family, etc...I don't know.
h seems to be getting fidgity...restless...can't sleep at night, this could be nothing or it could be his realizationt that "it" isn't here but he loves his kids so here he stays and makes the best of it with me. I know this wont work but there is no way to get to h. I don't want to live a lie.
last night when trying to go to sleep I told h my head was spinning.. tried not to say anything but did...said that I just want h to be happy...h said he just wants me to be happy...said I'm happy he came home but I don't want him to spend his life regretting it..h said he doesn't regret it. I said I guess I just miss the enthusiasm with wich you came home and I hoped it would have stayed. h said, in some ways it's still there. ( ya youre enthusiasm for the kids) so I'm painting the dining room...hope I like it cause I know that even though h wont outright say he doesn't like it he wont..
trying to keep busy...having to stop myself from asking for hugs...
I just don't know anymore...h isn't "in love" with me and I wonder really if I am in love with him.
I was detached when h came home....I thought we were supposed to work at getting back together but I see that I still need to stay detached...there in lies my problem...I don't want to feel distanced from my h.
I said to h, your not alone you know. h said your not alone either. I said I know I'm not alone, I think you missenterpert what I mean, I mean your not alone in the way you feel, I want you to know I'm hear if you need me. h said I know, thank you.
that was that.
it's funny how this man can go pick me up cough medicine, offer to make me tea (I have an awful cold) make time for me to be able to do things..realize that he does love me but yet doesn't feel the way he thinks he should feel. how should we feel???
I don't know, I still don't know. will we both be happy?? or will we simply be content?? is that enough??
Quote: I just don't know anymore...h isn't "in love" with me and I wonder really if I am in love with him.
I don't know, I still don't know. will we both be happy?? or will we simply be content?? is that enough??
You know, even in my "positive" situation, I ask myself these same questions. Over time, a certain amount of damage is done to our Rs. For us whose Ses have had As, it's a bit more problematic. I think that over time, if our Ses eventually come to the party, things will improve. For me, I'm still trying to get over the damage of the A. I find that in order to do this, I have to cut off some of my feelings in order to cope...almost forcing myself to "feel" less to avoid the pain. This leads me to not really feeling that "in love" feeling so much. Maybe we all do this to an extent and that if both parties are willing to really and truly work on a R, then these things eventually flush themselves out.
LL, the background of my R with my W is very similar to yours, so I can understand the dynamics. For me, we began dating at 15 and 16, broke up a few times, then got back together for good when we were 19 and 20. My W primarily initiated the breakups...I think because of her not being "in love." This should have been a red flag for me before M, but so be it. My point here is that I don't think she's felt that "in love" feeling for many many years...possibly since the first couple years of our R...and we were young. This has been her "justification" for the last year. However, I think that (like I previously said), with work from both parties, you and I can achieve the R we want with our S. Problem is, I'm afraid that it will always be slightly tainted...and we have to get beyond this to improve our Rs. I know it's risky, but necessary.
been doing some painting in the dining room while the kiddos sleep and h is out plowing (actually he's taking a nap at his appartment but I was told to think of it as office space..so I guess that's what I'll do) and I've been thinking about my earlier posts...
I think I've been hiding behind the fact that we met young and all that yada yada...I hate the way I sound in those posts...so ignorant really.
so what's done is done...h had an ea...flipin la di freakin da...maybe it went as far as a bit of a pa too..woopdi do da day...what the hell does it matter...h and I have been together since we were kids...we've broken up before and I'm sure neither one of us sat on our hands..as far as ea's well I'm sure unknowingly I've probably had a few...(does a crush count). does it all matter?
over the summer one of the or talks I had with h. h was saying that he tried...I realized that I hadn't been trying...I was holding on for dear life to this "friendship" he had with ow and wouldn't let it go..he probably did stop seeing her when I ask...but because I was such a maniac blowing up all the time he went back to seeing her but that really doesn't matter the summer and the separation and threat of d wiped it all away..over the summer I had said to him...so you met someone...you made a friend..you connected..big deal..I've realized that it doesn't really matter...it is not that important..what means more to me are those two little babies upstairs..our families..this home...our friends..and the future we can have together.
did I forget all that???? guess I did.
does the ea matter to me..yes it hurts me tremendously that he could give to someone else what I've always wanted. but in the long run..should I hold onto it forever?? waiting for more nasty dirt to come out...who the hell cares I know the worst of it already...he fell in love with her...of his own free will went to her on a regular basis...and lied about it and then left...what more could there be...
wether or not h and I are "in love" really doesn't matter...it didn't matter to me when he said the words " I love you Im not in love with you" my response was "I'm not in love with you either, I just happen to love you" so why does it matter to me now??? it mattered to me because it was what h was looking for...h wanted to feel that feeling and didn't with me...so I wanted him to fall in love with me...but you can't make someone fall in love with you and that I have to accept.
I know many people probably read my posts and think what an agry bitter little bitch she is...but that is not the real me. I am hurting always have been...no I don't want to start a pitty party but h was my safety, I chose a phil collins song for our wedding because it described exactly how I felt, I'll have to look it up later but basically when I was in h's arms...nothing mattered...I was safe. but h hurt me, more than anyone has ever hurt me before and I want that pain gone...I want to forget but I know I can't I have to grow...I can't hide behind a fabricated lie...we were just young..that is such crap!!!
just because h doesn't want to face the issues that led us here doesn't mean I can't face them.
I just want to know that everything will be ok but no one ever does know do they.
