I doubt that h is in a real mlc! the truth is..h and I met when we were kids...(16 and 19) I broke up with him a few times because I just didn't feel he wanted to be with me, like I was just there, his "package girl" I fit into the plan... I had been promised that the fall was comming (less busy) or that next year would be easier etc...but it didn't really happen that way...each year instead of h having more time and energy for "us" he had less...now maybe that is because he never really loved me or maybe because I couldn't deal with his always being busy so I pushed him away he lost that feeling...I don't remember the last time I actually felt like h truly "wanted" to be with me. does h love me?? yes but not in the way a man should love a woman. will he always "take care" of me and the kids? yes. will he do things as a family? yes. is he a great dad? yes. what has happend is the truth...h never really did have that love for me (well perhaps for a bit) or he did but he let it go along time ago..h met ow and "it" is there.. h will not leave again but I know a part of h wants to. thing is I understand that feeling too. there are plenty of days where I think I'd like to just walk away.
h is going through something but it is not a mlc it is the realization that he doesn't love his wife the way he should and that there is another out there who he does feel that way about (with). I have tried to explain to h that this feeling can be had with many people, that there is nothing ultimately special about her other than that he spent time with her and that if he spent time with another woman he would end up feeling that way with her too...h says that wouldn't happen...well then h is going to be stuck on this woman for a long time as is he did have that feeling for her before we married 5 years ago and when he went back to her (2+ years ago??) "it" was still there...and it never was there with me.
I don't know how to show h that it can be here...I have his children, his house, his family, etc...I don't know.
h seems to be getting fidgity...restless...can't sleep at night, this could be nothing or it could be his realizationt that "it" isn't here but he loves his kids so here he stays and makes the best of it with me. I know this wont work but there is no way to get to h. I don't want to live a lie.
last night when trying to go to sleep I told h my head was spinning.. tried not to say anything but did...said that I just want h to be happy...h said he just wants me to be happy...said I'm happy he came home but I don't want him to spend his life regretting it..h said he doesn't regret it. I said I guess I just miss the enthusiasm with wich you came home and I hoped it would have stayed. h said, in some ways it's still there. ( ya youre enthusiasm for the kids) so I'm painting the dining room...hope I like it cause I know that even though h wont outright say he doesn't like it he wont..
trying to keep busy...having to stop myself from asking for hugs...
I just don't know anymore...h isn't "in love" with me and I wonder really if I am in love with him.
I was detached when h came home....I thought we were supposed to work at getting back together but I see that I still need to stay detached...there in lies my problem...I don't want to feel distanced from my h.
