"But, there is value in going there and bouncing back. I see now that I would not have snapped out of that thinking if I did not inherently have higher self-esteem at my core. I would have stayed there. And that realization is powerful."
Really well put, I totally agree. If you don't work THOUGH the stuff, it will keep you down. In working through the stuff, you go through some pretty tough places. But the other side is much much better than anticipated, and well worth the work.
"However, OT, I don't think your analogy of you and XW in your H's life is appropriate in many of these cases. It's not really the same type of R, nor was it forged in the same time/spirit. "
Always, I appreciate that, I don't think it is the same type of R either. But I have seen people call a new GF of an XH after D an OW, so, I felt it was relevant to be straightforward about my own sitch. MANY here would call me an OW or H an OM, given that both of us were still legally married when we met.
But anyway, I was trying to use my case just to illustrate that there really is no telling what is going on in an R that you aren't a member of -- trying to make up a story that fits preconceived ideas and the little bits of info you get just doesn't yield anything reliable. Are OWs so controlling? Who knows -- the LBS really can't know without the screaming banshee style evidence, lol. I expect WAHs even lie sometimes and blame a controlling OW to explain away their own freely chosen actions. Just no way to know. But, in the long run, as you (and I) both found, it doesn't matter how their R is working for them.
