Hi, I am new here and just wanted to jump in and give any support that I can. I am also feeling betrayed by my in-laws. My mother in law tells me how much she loves me and that she will never accept another woman who goes around having affairs with a married man. Yet I find text messages that she accidentally sends to me when she is trying to send them to my husband making secretive comments and showing that she is trying to play both sides. In the end, I know that she cares about her son more than she cares about me, even knowing all of the things that he has done. So I have decided that I will always be polite and friendly with her, but that I will keep my distance. The whole situation is awful and I know how you feel about losing not just a husband but a whole part of your family. I'm going through the same thing and am just so sorry that you are feeling this way too.
My mil and a few of my sils say that they will never accept OW, and I believe them. They have been there for me from the beginning. My mil absolutely hates OW. She sees her as the woman that destroyed her son's life and marriage. She said that she will never be a part of my life and I will never respect her. At least she has morals and a backbone. It takes a strong person to not just support her son because blood is thicker than water. However, then there are my fil and bils and they are a different story. I know as soon as I am out of picture, they will accept OW with open arms. I say do what you have to do, but don't pretend to be there for me. I don't need that. I never did anything to my H. He did everything to me and to them. My H up and left me and his family for OW, so it is even harder to see them treating me like I don't even exist. I'll get through this, and my ils that really care about me will still be my friends, and I can do without the others.
One thing I have discovered in my long life, and going through my particular sitch .... is to not have any expectations of anyone. For you, that includes your H, and your IL's (the supportive ones, and the non-supportive ones). No matter what happens, your H's family will always love him more, because he is their son and brother. That is the reality.
Your MIL may support you now, but if you are D'ed, and your H marries OW, and she has children, then I'm afraid your MIL will have no choice but to accept her, because of the grandchildren.
So, you have to decide if you are done with H, and if you are then you actually have to let go of his family too ... well, to a certain extent anyway. Stick to what you decide, and don't look back. However, if you decide to fight for your M, then haul out all the guns and go for it. And, to do that, one of the things you have to do is stop involving other people (it's not fair to get his family to make a choice between you and him, even if he is the one doing the wrong thing).
Just a thought!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
You are right. I wish things would have never gotten like this. There are way too many people involved and too many lies. Yes, I know that I shouldn't involve other people, but we need to do what we need to to keep our sanity. His family has helped me get through this. If it wasn't for them, I would have filed for D months ago. I don't want his family to choose me or him. I just want respect and courtesy. I never did anything to them or my H, so don't treat me like I don't exist at least not today. I am still their sil.
They all want me to hold on and wait for my H to come to his senses. They know that I was a great wife to him and that I am a great person, and they don't want to see him lose me forever. I am going on vacation this week and my mil told me to go and get away and try to forget about this for a few days. She said please just give me one more week before you do anything with the D. I am respecting her wish, but when I get back, I am calling his attorney to check on the status and if nothing as been done. I will decide to contact my H or an attorney myself. I am not going to say that there is no chance of me reconciling with my H at this point, but they say if what you are doing is not working, do something else. He is still seeing OW and as far as I am concerned at this point, he chose her and I am done. Unless he seriously shows me that things are going to change there is no hope for us.
Sometimes, like in my case, it's when you become pro-active (such as actively starting or moving the process of D along) is when they decide they don't want to lose you. At any rate, it's nice to be able to take control of one's own life. At the moment, he probably thinks he has plenty of time to make up his mind (although, one would think he did on the day he married you), while having fun with OW, and having you hang on by a thread.
Don't let the IL's (or anyone else, for that matter) make your choices for you. YOU must decide what is best for you. If you haven't been married for very long, then I question what kind of husband your H is going to be like in the future, if he is already cheating. It won't be fun if you end up having children, then he decides to go off with some OW in the future. It gets really complicated then. On the other hand, I am very pro-marriage, and would rarely advise anyone to go down the D path. Just something to consider.
You don't mention your own family, and how they are feeling about all of this?
Hope you have a nice holiday, and that the distance, and space will give you time to reflect on what course of action you should take, that is in your own best interest.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks BeingMe. My first thread contains more info on my sitch. My H and I been married for 5 years and together for 11. We have been struggling with infertility issues for 3 years and I believe the built up anger and frustration about that is what caused my H to have an affair. That is just my opinion, and God only knows what the truth is.
I am very concerned about what kind of husband my H will be to me in the future if we would get back together. However, I am honoring my wedding vows and take marriage very seriously. You don't just walk out when things don't go your way. I never expected him to cheat on me. It is very scary to have someone that you trust with your whole heart betray you and then believe that they won't do this to you again. I am putting my faith in God that he will guide me on what to do, and at this point I feel like he is telling me to move on. Unless, I see a miracle in my H soon, we will be over.
My H has spent the last 8 months running away. He has not dealt with any of his feelings or tried to figure out why this happened. He is still seeing OW and has spent all his time running to her. How can you tell someone that you won't do this again if you don't even know why it happened and when you are still seeing the problem? I feel like I gave my H everything that I have and that is why I am choosing to move on at this point. He is mean and disrespectful to me. Somedays he treats me worse than he should treat his enemy and I am his wife. I try to tell myself that this is not the man that I married. This is a man who couldn't handle the struggles of life and made bad choices, and can't live with himself. He hates himself. If he was happy, I would have let him go along time ago. I not only have been hurt by him, I have to stand back and watch someone that I care about so deeply self-destruct, while this conniving OW is standing by his side and doesn't even realize what a mess she made of him. It is a very sad situation, but at this point, I have to step back and say it's your life and you are going to have to live it. I care about you, but you are a grown man and are making your own choices, just don't expect me to be there to pick up the pieces.
My own family is there for me, but I have not relied on them much because I didn't want to make reconciling with my H any harder than it has to be. We also have been closer with his family during our M.
I can't wait for this vacation. I really need to get away.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
No new updates. Haven't heard from H which is a good thing. I did receive a very nice email from my niece saying that she would be there for me and that she would love to do something together. She said that I will always be her aunt, that she loves me, and that everything happens for a reason. This email made me feel better.
Okay, so H has successfully ruined my day. He is 3 hours away, but can't let me alone. Just got tm that says, "If I want to be like you, there will be no changes to the D papers, see you in court". He is referring to our confrontation that we had Saturday night. I usually hold back from yelling or arguing with him, but he set me off Saturday. I knew I shouldn't have done it and that it could end up hurting me in the divorce. I am not responding. If he has something important to say to me, he can come see me. Can there be any more of a cowardly way than a tm?
I am so concerned about this D. I am asking for the house, my retirement, and my vehicle. I am offering him everything else, but it isn't a 50/50 split. It's more like 65/35. I cannot afford to stay in our house if he wants equity out of it. My dad built our house. In the original D papers, he wanted $25,000 equity out of the house plus all the other stuff that I was offering. He never asked me to sign those papers and our marriage date was incorrect so they were no good anyway. I am going to let this all ride until I get back from my vacation next week. No responding to tm or vm. For all he knows, I fell off the face of the earth. His mom seems to think that he sends these tm to me just to have contact with me and to get a reaction from me. Her response is don't respond. Does anyone else's WAS do this?
I think I need to find my own attorney and see what my options are. I was hoping that he would get the papers changed and we could have an amicable ending to this, but it doesn't look like it. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, but he sure can fire mean tm at me. Does anyone know how abandonment and desertion play into the D process? My H left 6 months ago and hasn't provided any financial support since October. I have been providing his health insurance since January and paying the mortgage and utilities since November. He has sold off a lot of the items that we owned. He also put money down on the house that OW bought in her name alone. Nothing falls in his favor, all in mine, but the one attorney that I talked to told me to accept the offer with the $25,000 and do it as soon as possible because I was losing more everyday and guys like these never change. I wasn't impressed with his advice at all. Any insight?
Last edited by hopeless11; 06/26/0702:11 PM.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Hopeless, I would not worry to much about the TM...Yes, your H is being cowardly. Yes, he is acting like a little brat. Yes, he is selfish and shallow. I know it is hard to let go/detach when the WAS reopens wounds like this. But from what I am reading and if you have kept track of all the spending and selling, you will get more then your fare share after the D. His TM means only that he is frustrated and you are the only person he can take it out on. I think this is normal, I know that my W does this to me. BTW, I would change the locks to the house so H cannot come by while you are out of town and take anything..... It sucks to have to think this way but I would do it if I where you.
Let your hair down, put on that smoking hot new bikini and ENJOY your vacation....
Thanks ERC, you made me feel better. He's been selfish and shallow for 8 months, why would I expect him to change now. He is taking his frustration out on me. His way of dealing with this is anger. Anger towards anyone that isn't standing by his side. He's trying to get a rise out of me. Well, he's getting a rise, but he is not going to see it. He threatened me with going to court way back in February and he still hasn't even filed for D. If I had to guess, he hasn't talked to his attorney since December. He has a lot of bark and no bite. I just have to remember that. I can't believe anything that he says.
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BTW, I would change the locks to the house so H cannot come by while you are out of town and take anything..... It sucks to have to think this way but I would do it if I where you.
It's sad what my life has come to, but I did this way back in March. I still don't even know if he realized that I changed the locks, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that he can't get into my house when I'm gone.
As far as I am concerned this M is over, if he would provide me with D papers that are drawn up the way that we agreed on, I would sign them and it would be over. There is so much water under the bridge at this point, I think moving on is better. I really don't think that he is going to rake me over the coals with this D and spend all kinds of money on attorney fees, but I didn't think that he would cheat on me and leave me for another woman, so I have learned never say never. I still think that God will take care of me. I gave it my all to help my H and save my M. Flying off the handle at him one time, doesn't make me a bad person. If he fights me on this D, he's the one that will have to look at himself in the mirror for the rest of his life and know that he did me wrong over and over and over and never made it right. If he does take this to court, I can tell you that I will never have anything to do with him for the rest of my life. I don't need someone in my life like that.
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Let your hair down, put on that smoking hot new bikini and ENJOY your vacation....
My hair is already down and the smokin' hot bikini is packed. I always told everyone that I didn't want it to show on the outside that I was going through all of this. I am going on vacation as a confident, hot blond that is happy with the world, at least on the outside.
