Even if I could somehow convince myself that I could divorce her, I would probably wait until my youngest leaves home in 8 years. Divorce now will NOT benefit the children in any way.
I didn't say go through with it. I just said to bring it up, talk about it... let her even know it has entered your mind.
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I am still trying to figure out how to implement boundries in a christian marriage where divorce is not an option and is not something to threaten someone with.
If you haven't already, you might want to read "Boundaires in Marriage," by Cloud and Townsend. It is a Christian centered book. Very Christian Centered, as a matter of fact.
Yes, both spouses need to make changes. So how does this happen:
1) Both spouses make changes conditionally. 2) Both spouses make changes unconditionally.
In order for either one of your options above to occur, SOMEONE must go FIRST. Seems you are waiting for her to either do it first, because some sort of "AHA!!!" moment clubed her over the head, or do it with you at the same time. It doesn't work that way. As far as any of us knows, or even Mrs. CeMar knows, everything is fine with your R. What's there for her to be changing if she thinks eveything is fine?
And don't tell me, she SHOULD KNOW. She obviously doesn't. Change your part of the R. It is the only thing you have control over.
If you take sex out of the relationship, why would a man need a woman?
Then answer me this Cemar ... My H married me 18 years ago and we have been together 19. Why? We don't have any children together and we don't have sex - answer that one if you are so intuned with men.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Anyway, thank you sooo much for all of your replies (even though some of them were a bit harsh)... Ok I can take it!
Well I will start by telling you that I was very young when I was married 19. My h was very jealous and obessive. He has changed drastically since then. He's always had an overactive sex drive. He would have sex with me 2x a day if I said yes.. anyways, Last year I caught him posting a naked picture of himself on this site called adultfriendfinder... well I was crushed!! I left for 2 days with my kids hoping to gain some courage to go back and really let him have it. So his reason for this is he says "not enough sex from me" he said knowone ever contacted him or anything.. I think he was looking for attention personally. Well My baby was only 5 mos old at the time and My kids unfortunately don't sleep well.. so no we were haven't a lot of sex.. by that I mean only maybe once a wk. So things got a little better... Though I was exhausted I still tried to fill his needs. But my certainly weren't being met. My h works 12 to 15 hour days. He is a really hard worker and I know he does it for us and Im not faulting him for that. But it can be hard on me when I have two kids to take care, the house and also I do work for his business.. Im worn out. I guess I feel like Im not appreicated at all, and I think I do show him that I appreciate him as much as I can when I do see him. When he does have a day off he's grumpy and mean and then wants to have sex... kinda kills the moment.
Oh and kinky you wanted me to elaborate... I hope that he never finds this site...
Well he likes toys and such.. He tells me its fine and I shouldn't feel weird about it and he's being using them for about 3 years.. now he wants to use them all the time... I get sick of it. I want the closeness of just him and he doesn't get that. I have dealt with his use of toys for 3 years without complaint other than to tell him that we need to change up sometimes. I don't feel any emotion from him during this time and that is what bothers me.
I know he loves me, but I do think most of his love for me is lust.. (is that possible??) Sometimes he doesn't respect things I do, everyday things and just acts uncaring, but expects sex on those days.. like everything is fine.
Although I agree that he has needs sexual ones, and I don't have a problem with that, what I do have a problem with is everybody wants a piece of me until there's nothing left.. and NO im not feeling sorry for myself it's just the way it is, but something's gotta give. I am with the kids 24/7, I never get a break because I don't have anyone to watch them, and yes I get burnt out. Just once a month even I would like time by myself just to recharge.
We actually are going away for the first time in 5 years ALONE... going up to saratoga for a RUSH concert...So we will see how it goes.
Thanks again for all of your insite..
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
If you take sex out of the relationship, why would a man need a woman? What about women would draw us to them?
1) WHY must you always go to the extreme? I have NEVER said to remove sex completely from arelationship. But IF a man did not need sex, he may want female companionship of the sort his mother, sister, best friend, etc. cannot and should not give. He might be drawn to her intelligence, beauty, caring nature,charisma, etc. He might like how he feels around her. Just a few ideas. Again FOR ME I would NEVER exclude sex, I just believe their are additional things a man probably loves about his woman.
2) So let me turn this type of all or nothing question back on you. If a man ONLY needed sex from a woman, then why marry? Why not use prostitutes where he could get constant attention and varying women and would NEVER have to worry that someone else's needs or feelings might need to come before his own? Or just strong together one night stands, where again you have variety and interest and can just run out the door afterwards? WHY in the world DO men get married if their attitude is only about sex and getting their needs met on their own schedule?
3) And to respond to another post to me, I NEVER reject my man. I may not be up to sex but my partner ALWAYS understands how I feel about him. It is not a rejection of him and it is NEVER a risk for him to try again the next day. I KNOW this because MY relationships have had good communication. And in fact my I have said I was too tired, stressed or whatever, my partners have been able to laugh and/ or be understanding about MY state of mind - FWIW I don't particularly ENJOY being so exhausted that sex sounds like a chore. I wish I was always so well rested and relaxed without a care in the world that I could ALWAYS feel up to it but unfortunately I do live in the real world which includes illness, work and all the common stresses of every day life. Which is why I am understanding when my partner is not always able to do the things I appreciate most at the moment I need them. I understand that he might be tired or stressed himself and either actively listening to me, to do additional chores, to buy a gift or whatever may be too much extra on his plate and I CUT HIM SOME SLACK!
4) Unless BOTH partners develop some ability for empathy, I would think that relationships will always be difficult for those people.
My thoughts for the day...
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
My h works 12 to 15 hour days. He is a really hard worker and I know he does it for us and Im not faulting him for that. But it can be hard on me when I have two kids to take care, the house and also I do work for his business.. Im worn out.
12 to 15 hour days, all the time? Wow, no wonder he's cranky all the time. He's worn out too.
Is he making a lot of money? Are y'all saving a big chunk of it, or spending nearly all of it? He may think he need to do all this work to keep you happy or keep the family afloat, especially if you're spending almost all he makes now. Or he may not be good at managing money. He may even be poor at managing his time, and only getting about 5 hours (or even less) of actual work accomplished per day, and doing his best to hide that fact.
But I'd say that things are unlikely to get better until his work situation is improved... there's no way he can be fully present with you or meet any of your needs with so little free time available.
Originally Posted By: tiredandlost
I am with the kids 24/7, I never get a break because I don't have anyone to watch them, and yes I get burnt out. Just once a month even I would like time by myself just to recharge.
You do have someone to watch them... their father. Leave the kids with him and don't take no for an answer. I actually wish my own wife would do that a lot more often. He may actually be more comfortable watching them by himself than trying to do anything helpful in your presence.
Originally Posted By: tiredandlost
We actually are going away for the first time in 5 years ALONE... going up to saratoga for a RUSH concert...So we will see how it goes.
Thanks again for all of your insite..
Enjoy yourselves, and don't wait 5 years to go somewhere by yourselves again.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I gotcha. I am a mother to small children and I know how it is when they don't sleep and you are their sole caretaker. You have lost yourself. You need to find some childcare assistance for your own sanity. What about a high school kid who can help after school for a couple of hours even if all you do is take a nap or a bath? What about forming a childcare co-op with a few neighbor ladies? Right now I am not talking about sex. I am more concerned that you allow yourself some very basic breathing space.
About the toys. I can't say they do much for me either - maybe on a once in a while basis. To me that lacks passion, spontaneity, the human touch if it is all the time. I doubt it is because the only thing he feels for you is sexual desire but rather he may be hung up on only having sex with a "dirty" girl and when you use toys he is better able to get into the right frame of mind. IOW -he may have a few hangups (most people have some).
Are there some very basic agreements that you can reach? Can you agree to once a week sex in exchange for a once a week break from the kids?
He might be drawn to her intelligence, beauty, caring nature,charisma,
Most men ARE drawn to these qualities. I want them, I want them from my LOVER! But NONE of these can make up for LACK of desire! Us HD men love all kinds of things about our wives, but the ELEPHANT in the room is going to be HER DESIRE!
2) Men don't need sex from women, Men need DESIRE from their wives, which can't really happen WITHOUT sex. Again, this can ONLY come from a LOVER, which his wife is supposed to be.
3) If you turn a man down for sex, that is rejection. Once in a while is probalby OK, but we are not talking about that on here. Most LD women turn down most of the time. Also, I noticed that you said if he trys the next day, you will allow it to happen. This is another form of rejection. If EVERY SINGLE time the initiator is the MAN, he will get wise to this and will start resenting you for not pursuing him. Most couples when dating, the WOMAN actually INITATES on many occasions. This is ALSO a huge rejection of the man. Women who really DESIRE their men initiate with them on occasion.
4) People need to be empatheic. True. Men need to try and accomodate lower sex drives in their wives, but LD women must recognise that sex (desire) is crucial to ALL of his emtotions. In other words, he is going to need lots of passionate sex and you should not resent him for the effort you must go through.
TAL sounds like you want a sex parter and he wants a sex performer. The difference is usually the level of emotional intimacy, not the physical intimacy of penetration etc.
A lot of men have this view of women as "sexual objects" by that I mean a thing to use sexually, I certainly have had this view.
