I'll have to take a look at your thread on MLC. There's some great reading on that board. I think you'll gain some good wisdom there. Actually, it already sounds like you already have.... I can tell there's a lot of strength and goodness in you. By the way, thanks for the kind words!
Unfortunately, I can't talk with my husband about my feelings about OW because he takes it personal and always thinks I'm "rubbing" the situation in his face. It doesn't matter how delicately I try to do this, he's extremely sensitive and doesn't want to hear anything about OW at all. And refuses to share any feelings, thoughts or details about that relationship.
I think much of his reaction has to do with how I behaved after his first affair (the post baby one! He had his first affair -- a very short 2 month EA with just a little PA, nothing major -- after the second child was born). After that first affair which he freely admitted to me out of guilt, I emotionally lost it and put him through a year of complete insanity. I was extremely angry and hurt, and I was very mean to him during that time. I was also a young woman so I was a lot more self-centered and ignorant.
This time (with the MLC "exit affair") I've been much more level-headed and I have even tried to be very understanding and supportive. But he doesn't trust me, and doesn't feel "safe" talking with me about it, so I cannot really talk with him about my feelings. We do go to MC once a month so I'm sure we'll go through things there. That's a "safe place."
In the meantime I've done a lot of damage this week. I said some stupid things to try and manipulate him into giving me details. Gosh I'm soooo bad!!!! Anyhow, it's been kind of gut wrenching and nutty. I did increase my celexa slightly (1/4 a pill) to help me.... so I'm on this fabulous serotonin high right now! I'm not sure where my marriage is going at this moment. I guess there's this part of me bracing for "the end" and being very accepting of whatever way this goes. He did tell me that he thinks that he used to try and run away from his problems (the affairs, previous separations, wanting to leave), and he now thinks I'm trying to do that because I told him I'm open to whatever he wants to do. But I don't think that. I think it's more me testing him and preparing myself for him running away again.
Oh well.... that's my drama this week!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
