yup only thing is h doesn't get right up when the kids wake...kinda let's son linger in our room while dd calls dad-dee from her room...so that was waisted time and I felt like just getting up myself bringing them downstairs and then crashing on the couch..but didn't...stood (or rather laid my ground) found it odd that h who has been sleeping til 9 shortly after 8 let me know that I needed to get up. whatever.
h left to go to work...and asked me to come to the door with dd for that token peck I've been getting every morning when he leaves.
h did not bother to look at the questionare I asked him to fill out last night while I was out...didn't even appear that he looked at the thing.
I've decided I don't really want to give a rat about h anymore...h is home, h will pay the bills, h will be here to watch the kids so I can go out and get things done, h will help out around the house, and if there is an occasion where I need a date h is likley to obliged and give me his elbow. I will do my best to no longer share my feelings with h. I am tired of letting this man know me when he is content to keep himself from me.
I am spent on this r..and I don't want to try anymore...I really don't care if h never opens up because if he actually did I don't think I would know what the hell to do as for the better part of the past 10 years h has been a rather non-person and I am too used to it..if he were to all of a sudden be a person it would make me uncomfortable, resentful, fearfull etc...but it is not likely to happen anyway and I give up on trying to get him to be a human. he can live in his box all he wants...he can continue to get grey hairs keeping it all inside...it really is not my problem anymore. I have a life a full life granted I do not have a fullfilling love relationship but I can do just fine without one...and it's about time I let go of the idea that h will wake up and be the man I met years ago (honestly that can't happen cause he was but a boy...I am no longer a girl I am a woman) and start living my life!!!
so then since h doesn't seem to keen on paying for my education...here's the plan..
I've filled out the application to volunteer for the ambulance co in town..they will pay to have me certified as an emt...I "work" for them one night a week (on call from home) and then find a paying company work a few shifts..put money asside...pay for myself to get a masters degree and get on with my life and hope that while I am living my life that I do not have the misfortune of meeting a man who wants to talk to me and not just shoot the [censored] conversation..but open honest dialouge.
