LL, I posted last before reading the two previous posts that you made. I likely would have altered what I wrote... Anyway, I want to throw a few things out to you...
I'm curious as to what changed your view from your first significant post on this thread, as I quoted below...
Quote: ok so why my sudden change of attitude. because I know that most of what I feel is simple frustration at the way things are dragging and what I am doing is focussing on the things that aren't going well instead of focussing on what is.
I'm concerned because I see you growing more resentful. Maybe you ought to reevaluate your goals, the progress (albeit slow) that your H is making, and call a DB coach? Step back from your sitch and take a long hard look at it, write things down, and carefully examine the progress.
Stay strong (not that I think you are doing anything less than that).
Not sure what to say, besides venting away. Frustrations are necessary, because we always want more than what we have. It is wise of you, though, to know what you can get, when is the best time to ask for it, and who to vent your frustrations with...
We both know your H is trying... very hard. I am sure he'll find his ropes soon.
Hi LL, I directed you to the article on marriagebuilders.com because I thought you could use the section of the Man's house and how the wife wants not to be just one room in the house but to be involved in all the rooms. Let him read that part of the article. Maybe it will help him understand your POV, by using a different anology.
Most of all you need to find a way to build a bridge over the communication gap. Not being an "engineer" by trade, it can be hard to figure out how to build that bridge. Those DB coaches are the "engineer" that could help you find a way to build that bridge.
thank you all for allowing me to vent as I do and not thinking me a nutbag when I start to see a bit of light...hey I like music so does anyone know the rocky horror...there's a song at the end..."there's a light, in the darkness..of every body's life" and yes there are a lot of good things that h is now doing that he wasn't before..problem is there is so much that h wasn't doing before that the things he is doing now aren't enough to sustane and I don't see progress being made in the important things. yes h is spending more time around the house. yes h is more respectful of my time (even though he came home late today knowing i was going out) letting me "sleep in" on occasion (as if I really still sleep once the kids are awake but it is nice to stay in bed) helping out with the kids...making it so that I can go out before they go to sleep. is accepting my invitations to go out together
but
oh LL's famous BUT!
h is still (or is back to) feeling the same way he did before...he loves me but is not in love with me...and as insignificant as that phrase may seem...I know that it is not a good thing...loving someone is not enough if you think or feel there should be more...you will never be happy. how do you get to feel that in-love feeling??? I would assume by sharing thoughts ideas feelings etc...one does not fall in love by doing dishes sweeping floors and watching tv..one falls in love with a person not what they do.
am I in love with my h...part of me still is...and I accept the fact that if I want that part to grow I have to nurture it...work at it...do the things that feed that type of love...h as it seems either does not believe it can come back (or thinks it never was) or just does not want to put effort into it.
h would not mind if I went and did my thing every night of the week...if I went out every night to shop..have meetings...go to work...school...play etc...as long as I am happy all is well with h.
that does not rest well with me.
KAW....I did tell h of the "house" analogy...I forget how I got on the topic...I tend to try and squeeze things in as reference to others so he does not feel threatend that I'm talking about "us" seems to work best that way and he is more open to listening or rather "hearing" the message that way.
I do know that h loves me and wants to be here for me AND the kids. to make sure we are ok. but is that enough to keep him happy? is that enough to keep me happy??
I know what it is I want...if I were to go to another I would know exactly what it is I was lacking in this r that led me to seek it elsewhere...h either does not know or will not say what it is that he was lacking...what needs of his were not met etc...oddly h is basing everything on gut instinct..but what drives that instinct??? what is it that makes him tick??
sometimes I wonder if h is not a clone or something as at times he just seem so in human...I am not the first to say this either his own brother said "it's like his business sucked everything that was human about him out"
his brother had hoped that this "crisis" would be an opportunity for h and I to finally start to communicate but I fear that h just wants to continue to "hide"...
life is safe here...as long as he works and pays the bills..gives love and attention to the kids...gives me a little help now and then and on occasion spends a little time with me all is well and he wont have to face life.
maybe he started to face life when he walked away...but realized he couldn't just walk away from me...maybe if I had let him come see the kids everynight like he wanted he would not have come home. but I could not live that way.
I've asked h to fill out the forms from the c...read a book..do something because if things keep going the way they are I will shut down emotionally because I can't handle it anymore...I want to be loved and appreciated for the person that I am not because I am a wife or a mother but because I am me.
so now I go to sleep and hope that h is kind enough to let me stay in bed tommorow moring...and who knows perhaps he will be kind enough to at least give me a hug that says he loves me even if he can't say the words without a prompt!
yup only thing is h doesn't get right up when the kids wake...kinda let's son linger in our room while dd calls dad-dee from her room...so that was waisted time and I felt like just getting up myself bringing them downstairs and then crashing on the couch..but didn't...stood (or rather laid my ground) found it odd that h who has been sleeping til 9 shortly after 8 let me know that I needed to get up. whatever.
h left to go to work...and asked me to come to the door with dd for that token peck I've been getting every morning when he leaves.
h did not bother to look at the questionare I asked him to fill out last night while I was out...didn't even appear that he looked at the thing.
I've decided I don't really want to give a rat about h anymore...h is home, h will pay the bills, h will be here to watch the kids so I can go out and get things done, h will help out around the house, and if there is an occasion where I need a date h is likley to obliged and give me his elbow. I will do my best to no longer share my feelings with h. I am tired of letting this man know me when he is content to keep himself from me.
I am spent on this r..and I don't want to try anymore...I really don't care if h never opens up because if he actually did I don't think I would know what the hell to do as for the better part of the past 10 years h has been a rather non-person and I am too used to it..if he were to all of a sudden be a person it would make me uncomfortable, resentful, fearfull etc...but it is not likely to happen anyway and I give up on trying to get him to be a human. he can live in his box all he wants...he can continue to get grey hairs keeping it all inside...it really is not my problem anymore. I have a life a full life granted I do not have a fullfilling love relationship but I can do just fine without one...and it's about time I let go of the idea that h will wake up and be the man I met years ago (honestly that can't happen cause he was but a boy...I am no longer a girl I am a woman) and start living my life!!!
so then since h doesn't seem to keen on paying for my education...here's the plan..
I've filled out the application to volunteer for the ambulance co in town..they will pay to have me certified as an emt...I "work" for them one night a week (on call from home) and then find a paying company work a few shifts..put money asside...pay for myself to get a masters degree and get on with my life and hope that while I am living my life that I do not have the misfortune of meeting a man who wants to talk to me and not just shoot the [censored] conversation..but open honest dialouge.
LL, you know very well that won't work for very long.
Quote: hope that while I am living my life that I do not have the misfortune of meeting a man who wants to talk to me and not just shoot the [censored] conversation..but open honest dialogue.
You also know this is inevitable...especially when you start going to school and work. What you are not getting at home will come from some other guy and you'll go WAW on your H.
You know, I wrote a big long post to you yesterday and deleted it. I will say something now that I wrote yesterday. Maybe it's time that you start making some "demands." You are beginning to drift and your R with your H will not survive very long as you will continue to drift ever further apart. I think it's paramount that you two really try to find ways to communicate. I know you've tried to tell him certain things, but have you told him some of the things you've posted to us...how close you are to giving up because he has never really "communicated" with you? We all have our breaking points, LL. Are you afraid to be REALLY blunt because of what the consequences might be?
LL, Good luck with the application. I think that is a great idea! Something for you! You deserve to have something for you outside of home and family (and SAM's).
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
