thank you all for allowing me to vent as I do and not thinking me a nutbag when I start to see a bit of light...hey I like music so does anyone know the rocky horror...there's a song at the end..."there's a light, in the darkness..of every body's life" and yes there are a lot of good things that h is now doing that he wasn't before..problem is there is so much that h wasn't doing before that the things he is doing now aren't enough to sustane and I don't see progress being made in the important things. yes h is spending more time around the house. yes h is more respectful of my time (even though he came home late today knowing i was going out) letting me "sleep in" on occasion (as if I really still sleep once the kids are awake but it is nice to stay in bed) helping out with the kids...making it so that I can go out before they go to sleep. is accepting my invitations to go out together
but
oh LL's famous BUT!
h is still (or is back to) feeling the same way he did before...he loves me but is not in love with me...and as insignificant as that phrase may seem...I know that it is not a good thing...loving someone is not enough if you think or feel there should be more...you will never be happy. how do you get to feel that in-love feeling??? I would assume by sharing thoughts ideas feelings etc...one does not fall in love by doing dishes sweeping floors and watching tv..one falls in love with a person not what they do.
am I in love with my h...part of me still is...and I accept the fact that if I want that part to grow I have to nurture it...work at it...do the things that feed that type of love...h as it seems either does not believe it can come back (or thinks it never was) or just does not want to put effort into it.
h would not mind if I went and did my thing every night of the week...if I went out every night to shop..have meetings...go to work...school...play etc...as long as I am happy all is well with h.
that does not rest well with me.
KAW....I did tell h of the "house" analogy...I forget how I got on the topic...I tend to try and squeeze things in as reference to others so he does not feel threatend that I'm talking about "us" seems to work best that way and he is more open to listening or rather "hearing" the message that way.
I do know that h loves me and wants to be here for me AND the kids. to make sure we are ok. but is that enough to keep him happy? is that enough to keep me happy??
I know what it is I want...if I were to go to another I would know exactly what it is I was lacking in this r that led me to seek it elsewhere...h either does not know or will not say what it is that he was lacking...what needs of his were not met etc...oddly h is basing everything on gut instinct..but what drives that instinct??? what is it that makes him tick??
sometimes I wonder if h is not a clone or something as at times he just seem so in human...I am not the first to say this either his own brother said "it's like his business sucked everything that was human about him out"
his brother had hoped that this "crisis" would be an opportunity for h and I to finally start to communicate but I fear that h just wants to continue to "hide"...
life is safe here...as long as he works and pays the bills..gives love and attention to the kids...gives me a little help now and then and on occasion spends a little time with me all is well and he wont have to face life.
maybe he started to face life when he walked away...but realized he couldn't just walk away from me...maybe if I had let him come see the kids everynight like he wanted he would not have come home. but I could not live that way.
I've asked h to fill out the forms from the c...read a book..do something because if things keep going the way they are I will shut down emotionally because I can't handle it anymore...I want to be loved and appreciated for the person that I am not because I am a wife or a mother but because I am me.
so now I go to sleep and hope that h is kind enough to let me stay in bed tommorow moring...and who knows perhaps he will be kind enough to at least give me a hug that says he loves me even if he can't say the words without a prompt!
