You (and anyone else) are always welcome to post on my thread.
Right now I'm swimming through some rocky currents in my own marriage so it's kind of nice to take a break from it and spend a little time thinking about someone else's situation....
Four years of separation does seem like a very long time. I think you need to try and take a very hard objective look at the entire situation and consider what is best for you and your children. What do you gain, or lose by divorce at this point (especially looking at the finanical angle)? How will it affect your kids (financially and emotionally)?
If, after going over pros and cons, you do decide that divorce really is the best option then I think you need to start planning very methodically the best way to do this. With a husband hiding money, I might consider hiring a private investigator to gather financial information and find the best attorney. Since you have time and there's no rush (from him), you have time to research and plan this out. That's not so bad....
Has your husband always been cavalier? What brought you two together in the first place? What motivates him? I know I was very divided about sex and separation and divorce, but it seemed like everything I read encouraged continuing that connection if possible. I think the bigger question would have been could you yourself handle having sex with someone who was not fully connected to you? Can you still emotionally detach while maintaining a sexual relationship?
Now, if you do decide not to divorce (possible reasons; better for the kids, financial stability for you and them....), then I think you need to live your life entirely for you. Don't make changes for your husband, do them for you and don't give a blank about whether he notices or not. It's NOT for him the changes are for you. Sheesh he's a blind man!!!. Don't try to lure him back, don't go to counselors to figure out "how to make the marriage work," and stop taking anything he says personally. You need to emotionally detach entirely so if he sends nasty emails or talks demeaning you can just smile inside and see the humor in it all!!!! YES humor!!! And think, oh gosh, it's that cranky old coot again needing to let off some steam!!!! At this point why care about his emotionalisms. Life is short... go enjoy it.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
